Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Birthday Thoughts

Ok people.. I am back, and I am going to repeat myself here... I would like to say that I have been away for so long because I have miraculously found a life, but I can't. Life has been the same old thing, nothing new and exciting to talk about. Jerrod, is the same. Still pushing his limits on how far he can take things, yet he has recently become a little more loving from time to time. Take for instance, last Friday nite Jerrod stayed with my parents so Al and Pegs could take me out for my annual day, oh by the way.. Just want to give a public Thank You, to them.. I had a GREAT time that night! Luv you guys!. So, back to the story, I picked him up Saturday morning and we came back home. We played and did our normal weekend thing, but at one point he looked at me and asked me to hold him. This doesn't sound all that weird to you, but for my little man, it is. I picked up and put him in my lap, he threw an arm around my neck and said "Momma, I love you." I said "I love you too, baby." And then it happened..... Now, I have told you all before, I am not a real girly-girl.. I am not all that emotional, nor do I really care to be, but dayumit.. What my little man said to me next, put me on my knees. He looked me in the face and said, "Momma, you're my best friend." Now tell me that doesn't pull on your heart strings, because I know it pulled at mine big time!
Moving on....
So, as I mentioned earlier... I recently went through an annual day. This is not usually a big thing to a lot of people, and to me it's just another day. Let me explain here... Honestly, the day is 27 years old.. There is nothing special about it anymore. There is no big party to go to with special gifts or cakes. There is no big deal. But every year about the time this annual day rolls around I start thinking. Thinking.... What have I done with my life? I am sure this is a question that everyone asks themselves at one point or another throughout the years, but I only seem to do it around that time of year. So, after spending the better part of the last two weeks thinking about it here are something that I have come up with:

1. I was the one of the very few in my family that completed school.
2. I have many failed relationships and one very failed marriage.
3. I have a child that I would give up anything and everything for.
4. I have friends that I would go to the ends of the earth to help and protect, and I am almost positive they would do the same for me.
5. I am not okay with my life as it is right here and now.
6. I have a wonderful family that would help me with anything they could.
7. I am tired of being thrown away, used, abused, and left behind.
8. I have a job that I love.
9. I don't know what I would do without any and all of the above, because they have made me the person I am today. I may not always be happy with the person I am, or the situation I am in, but I know that no matter what I am loved and things will eventually work themselves out or lead me to a crossroads and point me in the right direction.

So, this is where I stand with my life right now.... I don't know what is going to happen with, and I am not sure that if I could know, that I would want to. I am sad and happy with that, but as in everything else.. There are many conflicting emotions with everything, and especially me.