Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Stupid, STUPID, boys.. or is it me?

**Warning... if you are a man, then you might want to wait for the next post because you are probably not going to like this one. You’ll get over it... Thank you. **

Why is that boys are just the most stupid things roaming the earth?? I mean seriously! I know that most men think with their ‘little head’ 75% of the time, but dayum can’t you guys just for once think of something or someone besides yourself?? I know that a lot of this could do with the fact that I have a sordid past and bad taste in guys apparently, so I guess I should fill you in on why I feel this way. I am going to give you a little back ground on the ‘men’ through out my life, and then fill you in on why this started today. Get ready because, here we go...

*All names have been changed*

Russell: My mother’s 3rd husband before she remarried my father. I was 7 years old, I hadn’t seen my mother in many years because she moved around a lot and my father was raising me. I went to visit her and my half brother for two weeks that summer. I had never met nor talked to Russell, but my first impression of him was not the best. He and my mother fought constantly so I stayed away from him as much as possible. That didn’t last all that long, because he lost his job about four days into me staying there. My brother was involved in some kind of summer camp, so he was not around all that much through out the say and my mother was still working, so it was just me and Russell. He started becoming more and more loving towards me, which in the eyes of a 7 year old was ok, but still kind of odd. That’s when the ‘touching’ started. It eventually turned into him molesting me. I am not going to go into detail with this, because people don't want to read that kind of that thing. Now, please tell me… How can any man, or person for that matter, get any pleasure out of a young girl? How can anyone make an innocent child do things like that? So started my much skewed opinion of men.

Duncan: Cousin by some means and a few years older than me, by about 6 years actually. I was 8, almost 9, and I had just moved back to Paradise with my father, not too long before my parents got remarried. I had been helping my cousin Moria, Duncan’s mother, in her yard and garage while my parent’s were off playing golf. She tells me that she has to go to the store and will be back in a little while. She left me with Duncan, and that’s when it all began. It started out with him holding my hands and hugging me a lot. Then he was coming to the house a lot to baby sit me when my parents were gone and it just kept going further and further. I knew something with this wasn’t right, but because of Russell, I just kept my mouth shut and took it. He never took it as far as Russell did, but it was just as bad. Again I ask, what does a young innocent girl have to offer an older man??

Billy: He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. You know the one, your ‘first’ of pretty much everything. I met him in 1993 right before I went in high school. He was about to be a junior at a different high school and I thought he was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. We were together until Feb. of 1998. Everything was great for the first year or so. We did everything we could together. Our families got along which helped us spend a lot of time together. After the first year, we started the whole break up and get back together thing that most high school kids do, but we always ended up back together. After I graduated in 1997, we practically lived together. I was over at his house all the time, stayed there most nights and helped pay bills. It was good, until he started drugs. Nothing too serious at first, but then he got hooked on steroids. It was ok at first, like everything else. He would have mood swings from time to time, but nothing too major. On Christmas Eve of 1997, he came home and started flipping out because I wasn’t there. I had told him numerous times that I was going to an office party, and that I would be home late. By the time I got there, he had destroyed the entire house, and was not finished yet. He tried to grab me, but I got away and left the house. I didn’t talk to him for a month or so, but he eventually got to me and I gave him one more chance. As much as I was scared of him that night, I couldn’t imagine my life with out him in it. On Valentine’s Day of 1998, I was supposed to be home early that night because he had something special planned for me. I ran late at work, and got home about an hour late. I ran in apologizing and pleading him to not be mad. He wasn’t. Which I found very odd, but was too happy to care. We had dinner that he made and then he gave me my Valentine’s present. An engagement ring… I was shocked and crying. After I said yes, he went to put it on my finger, or at least that’s what I thought he was going to do. He grabbed my hand, and threw me into a wall. He said, that’s what I got for coming home so late. And it just got worse from there. I am not going to go into detail, because honestly it’s just not something I talk about, or even care to think about. I will just say that he beat to an extent that my own parents had a hard time recognizing me. He went to jail and that’s that. But it was the first in a long line of bad choices in men that I would make.

Jose: After Billy, I decided that being in a relationship was not for me. I had fun, did what I wanted, and lived my life as I chose. In August of 1998 I met Jose through my job at the time. We hung out a few times; I honestly didn’t think it was going anywhere. He was a cool guy and dayum good looking, but he was a player and I knew it. Then in November, he told me that he was moving to Orlando, but that he wasn’t to get with me one more time before he left. So, I said what the hell? I wasn’t attached to anyone. Yeah, just another mistake. We got together, went to dinner, and then back to his apartment. We did our usual make out session, but this time he just wouldn’t stop. At first I thought maybe he thought I was playing hard to get, so I made it a little more obvious. I started getting a little scared, and told him so. He said that I was being ridiculous and that I wanted it as much as he did. I said again to stop, but this time he didn’t listen and I knew that he heard me. I think you can put two and two together and figure out from here what happened. The kicker is that about 8 months later, I get a email from him telling me that he is back in town and wants to see me again. Yeah, I don’t think so was my response. Jackass. Moving on…

Wayne: Now, if you had read any of my blogs, you have probably read about LOML. His name was Wayne and he is and will probably always be the love of my life. I am not going to go into a lot of detail with this for a few reasons. Mainly, because you have probably read a lot about him, and you know the general basis of the beginning and end of our relationship. Also, even though it is years later, it still hurts, and most likely always will. And, well there is nothing more to it than it was just another wrong choice in men for me.

Zach: The same as with Wayne on this one. If you have read my blog on October 2nd then you will know all there is to know about him. He wasn’t so much of a bad choice, as just wrong timing and conflicting interests.

Kyle: I met Kyle on Halloween of 2001 at a local bar. If you notice the time, it was less than a month after I had my first son. I was in no way shape or form ready for any type of relationship, but I desperately needed something to take care of and cling to. Or at least, I realize that now. It was lust at first sight for us two. I fell for all the things that I didn’t usually fall for. Within a month he was telling me he loved me, and of course I reciprocated. I thought things were perfect, I over looked the fact that he didn’t have a job, because I loved him. I didn’t care that he lived with his aunt, and had no ambition to move out, again because I loved him. Needless to say, the boy played me like a fool. On January 3rd of 2002, he called me and said it’s over. Just that simple. That was one of the only relationships that I can say was completely my fault and pure stupidity. Nothing more. The boy was good at playing, and he played me like a fiddle.

Steve: Yeah... I wouldn’t even know where to begin on this one. I know you all know a lot about the divorce and such, but there is oh so much more to the story. As before, I will not go into a lot of detail, but I will give you a little back ground on why things went so bad between us. I met Steve in September of 2002. He wasn’t my normal type, but after Wayne, my first son, and Kyle, I was just ready to settle down. So, I jumped right in. As with Kyle, within in the first month or so, he told me he loved me. This time I didn’t reciprocate as quickly, but nevertheless I did eventually. In January of 2003, he proposed and I accepted. Somewhere down in me I didn’t think I would ever follow through, but thought that maybe I could learn to love him like he loved me. In February, we moved in together and within days found out we were expecting. I was thrilled, scared, nervous, and sad all at the same time. It was then that the problems started between us. I think now looking back, that we both knew it wasn’t going to work, but we stuck with it. It wasn’t very long after that, that I started finding out that he was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. And, that was only the start. Throughout our entire marriage he cheated on me time and time again. I know that living with me was not easy because I was depressed and miserable being with him, but I never cheated on him. Not only that, but he had a very bad habit of forcing himself on me. It didn’t matter what I said or did, if he wanted sex he was going to get it one way or the other. The man was a pervert. He couldn’t go an entire day without looking at porn, or doing something sexual. The longer it went on the more it disgusted me, not to mention I was practically getting raped by my husband. Yeah, say it with me, another bad choice.

Greg: This is the latest in bad choices. I met Greg about two months ago online. We talked almost every day for a solid month, before we decided to meet. He was sweet, funny, and was a single parent like me. We met this past Sunday and went to lunch with Al and Pegs. I honestly thought he was going to be a good guy to get to know, man was I wrong. While at lunch, he kept checking out the waitresses and playing with my legs. Not necessarily a big deal, but on a first date? With my friends there? I blew it off, thought maybe he was just nervous or something. This would haunt me in about an hour. After lunch, Al and Pegs went back to their neck of the woods, and we went back to my place. Do you remember one of your first dates as a teenager? Sitting on mom’s couch and making out like crazy while she wasn’t there? The guy pushing, and pushing and you thinking it was fun because you were just that young and stupid? Yeah, well, I am 27 years old. When I say stop, that means stop dumbass. That doesn’t mean continue thinking I am playing hard to get, especially when I flat out tell you that I am NOT playing hard to get. The boy would not leave me alone. He kept trying to push me down on the couch, trying to get a hand up my shirt, and just over all trying to force him self on me. I am not kidding people… it really does sound like a teenage date doesn’t it? I even told him at one point that he was scaring me and to get off, he still tried. Needless to say, I ended the date and sent his ass back to wherever the hell it is that he came from. You know what the kicker is? The boy is still calling me! Well, at least he was until today.

So here we are, back at today. Now that you have a little information on all the bad choices and situations of my life, you might understand a little better why I am so ticked at the world today. It started out as a normal day; I posted my clit piece yesterday, and as usual have gotten some good and interesting responses to it. What?? You didn’t read it? Oh, please... go read it now! It’s the best one yet, of course I am a little bias. Ok, back to the story… I am doing my morning ritual of checking all email and sites that I do everyday, when I see a message from Steve on the world’s largest gathering space. I check it and this is what it says:

“LOL love the new blog! To funny!

I think you 'taught' me how to do it pretty well most of the time! lol

I see your current mood is 'horney' so if you need any help please let me know lol You know me Im always hungry! lol

Just messing with you! (maybe!)

Well hope your having a great day and please be careful in this rain.

I do miss you... and love you… Steve”

Yes, he really is that bad at grammar and spelling. This might not make sense to you about why I got so mad, but this is only the latest in a line of sexual comments and suggestions he has made to me in the last few months. I told him one of the last times, that it was disgusting and that he needed to stop. As usual, he didn’t listen. So I notice that he is online and I instant connect with him. This is how that story plays out:

Marci: not working today?

Steve: day off and not feeling good

Marci: sorry to hear that

Steve: crap going around work

Steve: Jerome’s sick and about 3 other guys at work are sick too kinda sad

Marci: ewww

Steve: and both kids are home from school today sick

Steve: so im trying to avoid them all lol

Marci: lol

Marci: and i cannot believe you just sent me that email

Steve: LOL

Steve: at least i didnt post it as a comment!

Steve: lol

Marci: yeah.. i appreciate that

Steve: apparently i just never really change.... lol always the same horn dog, just a little older and a little wiser

Marci: wiser?

Steve: yea i think so

Steve: trust me Marci i think ive learned a hell of a lot in the past couple months.... stuff i SHOULD have known already lol but day late dollar short kinda thing

Marci: why don't you enlighten me to what you have learned.. and how you learned it.. i would love to know

Steve: learned the hard way that you never let the one you love go no matter what. that you have to do what ever it takes to keep them happy , and so much more

Steve: boring sappy stuff and makes me pissy eyed if i think about it

Marci: pissy eyed? what the hell is that? and why?

Marci: because all of that you said, you have said before.. it's nothing i haven't heard

Steve: Marci im not trying to start anything i was just saying i have learned alot from my mistakes in the past year

Steve: i cant make it up to you or anyone else in my life that i have hurt... thats the past

Marci: i'm not trying to start anything either.. i just am curious to hear what you have learned as you say.. but as usual it is nothing new..

Steve: hell Jerome pointed out to me sunday that him and Katie think im not over you yet since the first words out of my mouth when i get home from your house is about you and im allways smiling when i talk about you

Marci: i don't know what to tell you Steve. you know how i feel about the situation and that is most likely not going to change

Steve: Marci, i never thought me telling you this stuff would make it all better

Steve: but i get to stay your friend and that counts alot

Marci: like i said earlier. i just find it funny that you always want to say that you have learned so much in these past few months, but when asked what you have learned it's

never anything different..

Marci: the lying is still going on.. the immaturity is still there..

Marci: it's just funny and frankly sad.. but that's in my opinion

Steve: im sorry

Marci: for?

Steve: everything and anything i have ever done to you and to US and to our FAMILY

Marci: why do you think that when i say things like i did that i am looking for an apology?

Marci: i'm not.. nor have i been in a very long time..

Marci: i am basically hoping that one of these times that i repeat myself over and over again that it will sink in for you that you need to grow the hell up. Act your age, stop the lying, and by all mean try your dayumdest to act a little more mature. I am sorry if it sounds like I am being a bitch, but I am so tired of getting childish remarks from you and when I call you on them, you revert back to the i'm sorry for everything mode

Marci: I want to be your friend Steve, if for nothing else but Jerrod and the history we have, but I'll be dayumed if I am going to keep having to decipher the truth from the lies, and the disgusting remarks, only to have you try to turn it on me or get mad... I was done with all of that in Jan and am not going to change my mind on that/

Steve: ok

Marci: wow

Marci: all of that and I get a 'ok'

Steve: Marci i dont know what to say,

Steve: your right about all of it

Marci: sad thing is Steve.. is i knew that is what you were going to say.. you can't face things head on... you don't know how bad i used to want you to just say it all .. put it all fucking out there.. but no, you always run..

Marci: are you still there? or just not talking to me?

Marci: ok.. well i am sorry to go off on you like that.. but I asked you the last time you sent me a comment like that to not do it again.. i didn't like it when we were married and i dayum sure don't like it now.. and you caught me in the middle of a very bad day..

And that is the last I have heard from him today. I doubt that anything will come of it, but I had to get it all off my chest. Of course, some more interesting news is that right in the middle of getting into it with Steve, Greg calls. Yeah, needless to say he got an earful also, and I seriously doubt I will hear from him again. So there you go, another interesting look into the life of Marci. Not always exciting, but when it happens, it happens. I’m going to my best neighbors tonight so Pegs can torture me by doing my hair. Maybe this will kill some of those brain cells that cause me to fall for the wrong guys!! Hmmm… now there’s a thought.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Sex for the Slow: Your Friend and Mine, the Clitoris

You like the title? Yeah, well... I am trying to educate here, because boys let me tell you something. If you think you know where a woman’s clit is... move about 2 to 3 inches up. Yeah, that’s right. To all of you out there that think you are ‘good’ at eating, or even pleasing with hands there, I can almost bet that your girl is faking. Wait, don’t flip out guys! Yes, some of you are dayum fine at it with hands and/or mouth, and I mean dayum fine at it, but there are others that aren’t. Let me say this though, in defense of some of the guys out there, it’s not all the guys fault. Ladies, you have to know what feels good to you and express that. Most of the time, guys are more than willing to listen to what feels good to you and what you want. Ok, let’s get started.

The clitoris is the most sensitive part of a woman’s sexual organs. I don’t care what you heard about the “G-Spot”, it’s honestly all about the clit. Being too rough, biting it too hard, or in some cases over stimulating the clit will cause a woman severe pain or loss of all feeling in this region. Some women do need more pressure applied, and some women will claw the ceiling from the lightest touch possible, ask your partner what feels good!! Without some form of communication between you both, your sex could be the worst possible experience for everyone involved.

Women, you have to know how to please yourself, before you can have great, satisfying sex. We all know that men learn this at the age of two, just touch it and they are happy. But for us, it’s a little more difficult. This doesn’t mean that you have to ‘please’ yourself, by yourself. It simply means, as I have said numerous times before, that you need to pay attention to what turns you on and off, and what feels good and what doesn’t. Pleasing your self, can be one of the best ways to find out what you like and don’t like. I will admit, I am not a big fan of this, but when it came to learning what I wanted and what I didn’t, I jumped right in. You simply can NOT lie there and let him do what he thinks feels good to you. First of all, how would he know? Secondly, if you aren’t into it, it’s not going to happen. If he is nibbling a certain way that feels great, let him know or if he moved in just the right way, let him know. You have to be willing to let go of your personal issues and talk to him. Most men are more than willing to please in this area, but just aren’t sure of themselves. As I said in the ‘Let’s talk about Sex’ post, you have to guide them and teach them, but mostly just find a way to let them know!

Men, where to start with you? I mentioned earlier that most of you are pretty good at eating or playing to make us happy. But there are a big percentage of you that don’t have a clue. I was also serious when I said, that most of this is not your fault. Women in general are nice, consoling creatures. This means that even if we don’t like what you are doing we won’t tell you; well most women won’t tell you. Hey, not everyone can be as comfortable with sex as me. Most of the time women don’t speak up because we know how sensitive a man’s ego can be, especially in the bedroom. We are not meaning to hurt your ego when we say things like that; we are simply trying to enjoy ourselves the same as you do. One thing to remember, whether it is your fingers, tongue, or dick that is anywhere near the prize, don’t be so rough! Yes, it can be awesome from time to time to get the hell fucked out of us, but not all the time. This also doesn’t mean that we want it all soft caresses either. **Insert gagging sound here** Just take your time and do it right. So, being the sexual goddess that I am, I am going to give you guys some pointers when it comes to pleasing women.

I’ll start with dick. If you read the ‘Let’s Talk about Sex’ like a good boy, then you would know some of the things I am about to talk about. If you haven’t read it, do it now. Seriously, go and read it. I’ll wait… ok, ready now? Ok, since you read it I am not going to go into major detail. I am just going to point out the biggest things to remember. Do not just pump away, it does nothing for us! Beating yourself into us does nothing but hurt or numbs the most sensitive part of our bodies. This is not what you should want to accomplish. Do not just lie there. Be inventive and thoughtful. This is the perfect time to play with our clit. Do play with the clit. It is one of the most pleasurable spots on a woman’s body. Do have fun! I can’t say it enough. Be inventive, creative, and mostly attentive.

On to the fingers. This, as I have said before, is enjoyed by some and not by others. I, personally, have never been a big fan, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy it from time to time. It just has to be done right. As with your dick, don’t just pump away with your fingers. Slide one or two in, and try a snake like motion. Try a drummer like motion. It doesn’t matter what kind of motion it is, just don’t forget about the clit. While you have your fingers in, try using your thumb directly on or around the clit. Just don’t be too rough, as before, too much pressure will only hurt and numb the area. If you want to be a little more creative, try placing a finger on either side of the clit. Then apply some, notice I said some, pressure, and then move your fingers up and down. Honestly there is not a lot that is creative or inventive when it comes to fingers, but it can be enjoyable if done right. It is also a good time to caress and kiss your lady.

Now to my favorite, the tongue and mouth. Yes sir, there is nothing better than having the hot breath and mouth of your lover on your most special place. That is if and when it is done right. As I said earlier, it is not all about the tongue. Yes, while the tongue can be pleasurable, there is so much more to it than that. I can’t stress this enough. Please, lick, suck, or even nibble on the clit, please! Contrary to popular belief, mostly thanks to Gene Simmons, a long tongue doesn’t do shit for us unless you use it on the clit. It doesn’t matter how far you stick the dayum thing in, it isn’t going to feel better than some loving attention to the, say it with me, clit. I would like to be able to give you some more specific things to do, but this really is one thing that just about every woman differs on. I could give you what makes me want to crawl up a wall backwards, but then that would only be me. And I know for a fact, that what I enjoy is not enjoyed by some of my girl friends, so what would be the point. Well, other than being able to know what pleases me, but that probably wouldn’t help you, and unless you are coming to see me anytime soon, it’s not going to help me either. The one thing I can tell you is something I have said before. Don’t believe what you see in the movies, there is never an excuse or good reason to stick your head in and shake. It doesn’t feel good, hell it doesn’t do anything but make us want to bust out into a fit of laughter.

Conclusion:

If you take one, and only one, thing from this; remember that the clit is your friend and definitely mine. Pay attention to it, and it will do you and the ladies both a world of good. Not to mention it will earn you major points if you can listen to your lady and please her.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Dating for Dummies: How to help you find and keep a REAL MAN

Well, I thought since I have done a lot of ‘sex talk’, that today I would help some of the guys out and enlighten some of the ladies out there to the do’s and don’ts when dealing with you guys. I am not saying I am an expert or even somewhat knowledgeable on this subject, so I am just going to put into words what I have experienced, witnessed, and been told by both sexes. I mean, I am still single with a lot of bad relationships and one very failed marriage under my belt, so take everything with a grain of salt here people. So, grab a drink, a notebook, and get ready because here we go….

The first thing I am going to talk about is where to find ‘real men.’ This can be a difficult thing. If you are like me, and live in a pretty small area then it is even more difficult. You really only have four choices and none of them are better than the other. Let me explain..

- Around town. By this I mean anywhere. You could be in a store, in the mall, hell even in your car. Sometimes this can be a good way to meet. It’s a little more open, and can get things started on the right path. By this I mean, that 75% of the time, if you are running errands you are not looking for anything but what’s on your three mile long list of things to get or do. The old adage of stop looking and it will find you is true to an extent.

- In a bar. This is not one of the best places to meet a guy, but you take what you can get right? I have actually met and dated some nice guys at bars. You just have to know what to watch out for. If they are coming on strong, they are probably just out for a piece of ass. If they aren’t putting any kind of moves on you, then they are probably not interested or in a relationship of some kind. If they keep buying you drinks, they are just getting you drunk. If they are actually trying to have a conversation with you, they are either interested or want to be.

- In church. Look, I told you I am in a small town, not to mention the Bible belt! This is the most difficult place to meet guys; ok well it is for me. I don’t attend church regularly, or really at all, but that is another story… The thing about church guys is that while they are good guys, sweethearts, and will treat you right, they tend to be momma’s boys. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not good either. That is something you are going to have to figure out on your own, as I don’t have a lot of experience or stories for this one.

- Online. Hmmm.. I am not a big fan of this one for one reason. This is where I met my ex, in all of his flabby, disgusting wonder. Though, this is also how my two best friends met, and it seems to be working for them. The only real advice I have to say about this is: (a) Do not meet anyone offline and not let at least one person know where you are going and what you plan on doing. (b) Don’t trust photos, voices, or anything else. By all means, give him the benefit of the doubt, but do not go in believing you have your prince charming and end up watching a movie with a toad. Lastly, (c) Don’t expect anything! It doesn’t matter how much talk has went on, go with the intention of meeting someone new and that’s it.

Now, once you have found somewhere that you are comfortable and you meet a guy these are some things you need to remember.

1) When you are interested in a guy, let him know. Now this doesn’t mean push yourself on him by calling him every five minutes! This also does not mean play hard to get. We all know that men have a very short attention span, so if you play too hard to get they will get bored or frustrated and move on. The best way to let him know is to be subtle. If you come on too strong they will most likely run. Also, don’t be afraid to ask him out or for his phone number. A lot of times, guys can be too shy to ask you out or for your number. Make it a little easier on both of you and step out of your comfort zone. Just remember, don’t push yourself on him. If you ask him out or for his number and he doesn’t respond, give it time. If you have given it time and still nothing, then move on. Don’t dwell, don’t get pissy, and most importantly DON’T stalk him and ask why he didn’t do anything. If he’s not into you, there is nothing you can do about it. MOVE ON!

2) If there is an established interest made, move forward.. SLOWLY! The more you push for something, the farther away you are going to push him. Enjoy the time spent together and let that be it. Let me explain a little better.

A. If you go on a date and he doesn’t call, don’t flip out on him. This will do nothing but make you look like a bitch and an idiot. If he doesn’t call, then take it as a sign that he either, wasn’t interested or is busy. Whatever you do, DO NOT listen to the ‘3 day’ rule. This is a cop out brought on by men that aren’t interested and don’t have the balls to say so. They will either call or they won’t. It’s as simple as that.

B. If you are dating for a while and getting to know each other, don’t expect anything! Like I have said before, this is why it is called dating. It is the getting to know each other period. This does not mean that you are committed to each other or that he owes you anything. Granted, like I said before, this doesn’t mean that you or he should date more than one person at a time! It’s rude and childish. Once both of you feel comfortable or know that it’s not going to work, then the conversation will be had and you can make the decision on whether to move forward to a committed relationship or not. And yes, it will take more than a few days to figure this out.

C. Most importantly, DO NOT say love to anyone two weeks, hell even two months, into dating someone!!! I can not stress this enough! It is not love you feel, it is lust that’s it. I know all of you are arguing with this, but I am serious. Lust is not only a sexual feeling; it is also the feeling of connection with someone that is very strong. But remember, although it may be strong for you, doesn’t mean it is for him. Just let things happen on their own time, if it is working then you will know.

3) Once you have established a committed relationship, don’t quit working on it. This is one of guy’s biggest complaints. You act one way while dating and a completely different way when the ‘girlfriend’ role comes into play. I admit, this is a problem I had in younger years, and a lot of my girl friends still have. This is true on many different aspects, so don’t put on a front to impress a guy, they won’t know the difference and will expect it to always be that way. Be who you are, they will either like it or not. For example: Don’t pretend to be a sexual goddess, when you aren’t! Speaking of sex, let’s talk about that. Guys love sex. We all know that, but what you don’t know, is that though they love it, it isn’t the most important thing to them. Yeah, laugh it up, but you know I am right guys. Don’t make it all about the sex, show that you have interests in other things besides trying to keep him happy in the bedroom so he will stay around. Show him that you have an interest in things that he likes. Even if you don’t know anything about it, try to learn.

Conclusion:

As I said earlier, I don’t claim to be an expert, but these are just some of the things that guys, and girls alike, have told me over the years. One of the most important things to remember is to be you and be honest! If that happens, there will be more likely of a chance that the relationship will work.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Dating for Dummies: Let's Talk About Sex

Well, after ‘man bashing’ yesterday, I thought I would take a break and bash both sexes equally. Sex is a difficult subject for most people to deal with, much less talk about. Thankfully, I am not one of those people. As I have said before, I can talk about sex at anytime and anyplace. It doesn’t bother me; in fact I quite enjoy it. So today, I am going to take my experiences and things that have been told to me and put them out there for all of you. Maybe you will learn something, maybe you will laugh, but all of you will at least be able to relate to something. You might even talk to your partner about it, and end up letting the freak out of the closet. Who knows, but here we go.

First and foremost, sex has to be mutual on both sides. I can’t stress this enough. And no, I am not talking about rape or anything like that. What I mean by that statement is that you have to both be willing to participate. If you aren’t into it, DON’T DO IT! Your partner will be able to tell and it will be miserable for both. I have said it before and I will say it again and again until you all listen to me. Talk to your partner about what you like and don’t like, what turns you on and what is a major turn off.

The following list has been compiled over time from both my own experience and stories shared with me by friends. These rules are not set in stone. If you and your partner find something that goes against the rules but tickles your fancy, then by all means, enjoy it and rock it out all the way.

A. Ladies do enjoy being rough, just not as rough as guys can be. Ladies do not like being man handled. There is a big difference there people. Most women like to be pinned down or held up to a wall from time to time. This does not mean that we like to be thrown around or beaten; there are laws against that type of stuff. A gentle spanking from time to time can be nice… Oh wait; we aren’t talking about me are we?

B. Men like to be caressed, just not all the time. We all know that men are not gentle creatures, *see above*, but they do like soft touches from time to time. Offer a massage or gently stroke his face or back, it will set a different mood and might be a new experience for both of you.

C. Both men and women like to be dominated from time to time. Wait... NO, I am not talking about whips and chains here people, although... well never mind... To be dominated doesn’t have to include leather and ball gags. It simply means to take charge, be aggressive, and assertive. Nine times out of ten, a woman will allow her man to always be in control of the bedroom. We let them initiate sex, we let them put us where they want us, and we let them do all the work. Ladies, we can do better than that, can’t we? Come out of your shell a little. This process starts before you hit the sheets though. While you’re working on balancing the checkbook, cooking dinner, or folding laundry get your point across verbally or physically. Tell him that you want him. Grab his face and plant the sexiest kiss you can on his lips, and then casually walk away. If he knows that you are already interested, he will be much more inclined to drop the game or turn off the TV and head for bed. Once you make it to the bedroom, take over during sex. Even if you did nothing to initiate it, you can take charge. It’s not that hard, and no one is going to laugh at you. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that they will sit back and let you take control. I will get more into this later... *wink*

Now, I am going to move on to more specific things. Foreplay, Sexual positions, the do’s and don’ts of these positions, and the most taboo subject of all time, oral sex. These are subjects that I am comfortable with, so I will warn you that these might be a little graphic. You’ve been warned... you may now proceed…

Let’s start with foreplay, the way it should be. Foreplay is a major part of any sexual experience. Foreplay is anything that gets you in the mind set or ‘mood’ for sex. It can be anything from making out to massages, or even sexy messages in text or email. Yes, you can have sex without foreplay, but it is so much better when you have set the mood. As I said before, this does not mean that foreplay can be considered asking your partner ‘Am I getting any tonight?’, or grabbing a handful of ass or breasts. And again I will say, THIS DOES NOTHING FOR US! The best thing about foreplay is the anticipation of what is to come. *No pun intended....* I have always said, “Anticipation is the best form of foreplay.” And I truly mean it. Contrary to popular belief, foreplay does not have to include touch. Some of the best kinds of foreplay are thoughts and sexy words. Putting small thoughts like ‘Do you know how bad I want you?’ into your partners head at the beginning of the day and letting them think about it all day before seeing you is amazing. It lets the imagination run and by the time you do get together it is wild passionate romance. I am just going to stress one thing here, don’t forget the foreplay in some way, shape, or form. It doesn’t matter if you just started dating or have been married for years; it needs to happen to make the experience worth while.

Moving on to sexual positions and the do’s and don’ts of those positions: I am just going to jump in here and start with a list of the most common positions. Why these positions are good or bad, and what can be better about them from both sexes. Ready? Here we go…

Not just for the Amish anymore! Generally thought of as the most boring of all positions, Missionary can actually be very exciting if both partners participate. Ladies, don’t just lay there. It’s not doing anything for you and its damn sure not doing anything for him. This is your time to shine girls! Be inventive! Throw one leg over his shoulder, or both. Wrap your legs around him. Lift your self up to meet him every time he enters you. Play with your clit yourself. Do NOT just lie around and let him do all the work while you moan and think about what you want to cook for dinner tomorrow. If you want to get real inventive, once he enters you, pull your legs together. This will let him feel like he is getting deeper, and it will give you more action to your clit. Men, please, please, please, DO NOT just pump away. As I have just told the ladies to be more inventive, you do the same. Tease a little by going in slowly just to pull our fast and do it again. Put her feet on your chest and lean down on them, DON’T CRUSH HER, just lean down. Put both of her legs over one of your shoulders. If you want to be a little more inventive, turn her on her side with one leg between yours, and the other on your shoulder. This will give you full access to view what you are doing, and deeper penetration for her.

One time for the rodeo! A girl on top is one of my personal favorites because it puts me in control, and we all know I like to be in control. This is the best position for women, as it generally leads to orgasm quicker for us. Once again, I will start with the ladies. Please, do NOT just bounce up and down like a yo-yo! While this can be fun, there is so much more to it than that and the penis is a breakable muscle. We don’t want that on our conscience do we? Try, like the song says, ‘Save a horse and ride a cowboy.’ I know most of you reading this are from the south and I know that most of you know how to ride a horse. Ride your man! Don’t just bounce! Try rotating your hips around while having him deep. Maybe even reach behind you and play with his attachments (I hate all words associated with testicles, so I choose attachments, just a little FYI for you.). If you want to be real inventive, put your hands on the surface below him. Lean up until all that’s left inside you is the head, then slowly rotate your hips or sit back down. This will drive him crazy and give you some very nice sensations also. Ok, on to the men. Like I said to the ladies with the missionary position, DO NOT just lie there. This is the time to play with her breasts or ass, don’t GRAB them, play with them. Scratch down her back (without drawing blood) and watch her arch into you. Move with her by putting your legs on top of her heels and matching her rhythm. Hold onto her hips if that helps you. If you want to be real inventive while she is on top, sit up in a quasi Indian style position and wrap her legs around your body. This will give both of you deeper penetration, while also allowing you to be close to one another and kiss or hold.

You can do it put your ass into it! Doggy style is one of the most versatile positions there is. I will start with the men on this one. Please, be more inventive with this position! Do not just get behind us and start pumping. **News flash- It’s not that good of a feeling!!** Try pulling her hair, don’t tear it out, just pull or tug on it. Try holding her shoulder instead of her hips. Try kissing down her back or running your hand down her back, (both men and women please remember the goal is not to draw blood from your partner’s skin!) Try reaching under her and playing with her breasts, or better yet, her clit. One last important thing I want to touch on before moving onto the ladies. Under NO circumstances should you touch or try to put anything in our ass, especially without asking first. There are some women out there that enjoy this, **Sorry... had to throw up a little in my mouth there** but it is few and far between. If you want to have ass sex, go find a guy! Ok, I feel better. Moving on to the ladies. You, like the men, need to be more inventive with this position. Don’t just lay there on your knees! Push back against him. Try rotating your hips as if you were on top. And by all means, if he is banging your head into something, STOP HIM! You don’t enjoy it, so tell him!

Just to be close to you. Spooning is not one of my favorite ones, but it can still be enjoyable. This position can be difficult, and there is not a lot of variety to it. The best way I have found is to lay next to each other, ladies put one of your legs over his behind you. From there you need to find your rhythm together. The one thing I do like about this position is that it keeps you close together for those sensual kisses and sexy whispers.

I am now going to move on to one of my favorite things about sexual experiences. Oral, Ok people, take a deep breath, relax, and learn something.

I am going to start with the ladies. Give your man head, suck on the blow pop, a blow job, eat some tube steak, slob on the knob, or what ever you want to call it!! Though you may not enjoy it, or know what to do, give it to him. This will put you in control in the bedroom, and sometimes if you’re a ‘goddess on your knees’ it will get you things out of the bedroom too. I am one of the very few of my girlfriends that enjoy doing this, so I am going to give you some instructions to make it better for you and amazing to him.

For the Ladies:

1) Keep your lips and mouth moist at all times…dry heaving on a penis is not the most attractive look. Not to mention it will make it easier for you to please, and him to enjoy.

2) The number two rule of blow jobs: COVER YOUR TEETH!!! I can’t stress this enough! Wrap your lips around them, do something. There is nothing worse than teeth on a sensitive area like that.

3) Don’t just bob you head up and down like a yoyo? Do something different, run your tongue up and down the length, make circles around the girth with your tongue, take only the head in your mouth and lick around the shaft. Be inventive.

4) If you can’t ‘deep throat’, use your hand to simulate it. If you do it right, they won’t know or care about the difference. And, they would much rather feel the hand, than to feel you gag on it.

5) To spit or swallow, that is the eternal question. There is nothing I can tell you one way or another about this. It is a personal choice. Just remember, if you do spit, make sure you have something handy for the clean up. No one wants a mess everywhere.

6) Don’t forget about the attachments. These need attention just about as much as anything else.

7) If you are not one of us lucky girls that can pop your jaw out, take the time you need to relax before and during. No one wants to have sex with someone when they have lockjaw or TMJ. Take this time to kiss his penis, talk dirty to him, and kiss up his abdomen or down his thighs; just don’t forget what you are there for.

For the Men:

1) DO NOT HOLD OUR HEADS DOWN!!! If we want to come up, by God let us. If not, you might be nursing more than a hurt ego.

2) Do NOT pump yourselves up and down. Again, see above. All this will do is cause problems for us and your dick. Let us do our thing, if you don’t like it, then in a calm tone tell us what to do to make you feel better.

3) Keep it trimmed up down there, or shaved. There is nothing worse than coming up with a hairball! It’s really not all that hard, and most girls will be willing to help you with this!

4) Talking dirty to your woman can be very beneficial to both sides, however, the phrase “That’s right bitch, suck my cock!” is not your safest bet. Remember, her teeth are wrapped around the only thing you treasure in life, use your big head or lose your little one.

On to the men, give and you shall receive. This can be one of the most pleasurable experiences for women. Even if you don’t get her off, the sensations are worth it.

For the Men:

1) the most important rule of eating right is to LISTEN! It doesn’t matter if she is talking to you or just moaning. Listen and you will know when you are doing something right or wrong. We will tell you. It doesn’t matter how shy a woman is, when it comes to this most of them come out of there shell!

2) Contrary to popular belief it is NOT all about the TONGUE!! Yes, the tongue feels great, but you can’t forget about the clit. If there is one thing you focus on, make it the clit! Suck on it, nibble on it, and/or lick it, just DO NOT forget about it.

3) Fingering while doing this are a complete optional thing. Some like it some don’t. But if you are going to use them, don’t over do it. It doesn’t do anything for us when you are slamming away with your fingers and nothing else.

4) Fellas, no matter what the movies show, it is never ok to stick your face in a woman’s pussy and shake your head like a cheetah tearing up a prairie dog. Seriously, if that is your signature move, we might be here longer than I expected. Oh and another urban myth that doesn’t do ANYTHING is licking or humming the alphabet. Don’t do it!

5) For Pete’s sake, whatever you do, DON’T stop for any reason. We are not like you, we can’t just go right back to where we were. If you move, we are done and you have to start back at the beginning. If you think you have us close or any where near stay there, just like we do for you!

For the Ladies:

1) First rule of having a guy want to go down on you, keep yo’ shit trimmed up or shaved! As I said to the men earlier, it is not fun to come up with a hair ball! Plus, it makes it feel better when there is nothing in the way, if you get what I mean. If you can’t afford to get waxed or you are scared to shave alone, ask your man to help. Even bathroom grooming can turn into foreplay.

2) Tell him what feels good and what doesn’t! Most men are not too confident in this area, so they need to know what you are into and not into. Use your voice ladies, speak up and tell him. If you are scared to speak out, use your hands to point or slowly guide him where you want him.

Conclusion:

I hope some of this has helped all or any of you, whether it is just for a laugh, or if you actually learned something. I write these to help take some of this flood of information and experiences off of my mind, but mostly I write to help everyone out in the ‘love’ and ‘sex’ departments. Just remember this, if nothing else. Sex, like relationships, has to be equal on both sides and be talked about, either beforehand, afterwards, or during. TALK TO EACH OTHER PEOPLE! You would be amazed at how much better sex and relationship you can have!!

**I promise I am working on the Clit piece, just bare with me. The sexual goddess that I am needed even more research..!! (Accepting applications for research study partners...)**

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Dating for Dummies:
A guide to dating a REAL WOMAN


As you all know, I am back in the single scene. This sucks all around for numerous reasons, but mostly I just hate putting myself out there for all the idiots to find me, and believe me they do. This seems to be the general progression of things in my life; Meet a guy, have interest in a guy, date a guy, have sex with a guy, guy disappears. Now, don't get me wrong.. I have had some dayum fine looking luvahs in my life, but they were only around for the sexual goddess I tend to be. ::wink:: So, because I keep running into the same things with these dummies, I have decided to help you guys out a little bit.

**Warning- I am not meaning to 'man bash.' I am equally pissed at all of you... he he**

1) When you are interested in a girl, tell her! Get over yourself and what your 'buddies' might think. She is not going to laugh at you or degrade you. As women, we usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Yes, physical attraction is just as big to us as it is to you, but that is not the only thing we judge on, unlike you. We love personality, humor, and affection just as much as we do looks, if not more. If you can tell us we are beautiful and mean it we will love you, but if you can make us laugh we will love you forever. Most of us women are naturally shy, MOST, because we have been laughed at, degraded, or thrown away. This is because, unfortunately, we give men the power when it comes to relationships and attraction, so we tend to get hurt a lot and hold that against all of you in general. Yet, in spite of this, we still look for that one that will make us smile and our hearts melt. So again I will say, if you are interested in her, TELL HER!

2) Once you have established that there is some kind of mutual interest, keep it going. Don't just lay back and let her do all the work when it comes to moving that interest forward. Step out of your comfort zone, like we do for you, and ask her out, surprise her, or flat out tell her that you want to try dating. Let me explain that last statement a little better.
A. Ask her out. This doesn't mean that you need to take her to an expensive dinner, a movie, or anything that will cost any money. We like just spending time with someone to get to know them. Find out what they like, for example: If they like the outdoors, ask to take her for a walk or drive in the woods. It really is that simple, you don't need to spend money to impress us. Show a little thought with out of the ordinary thinking and it will go a long way!
B. Surprise her. Again, this doesn't mean spend money. Most women enjoy the simplest things in life. Do something to just let her know that you thought of her. Send a text message, an email, or just stop by her work or house out of the blue to say hi. If you do spend money, don't spend a lot. This means if you know that she likes monkeys and you see a sticker, key chain, or anything small and silly get it for her. This will tell her that you thought of her and that will mean more than flowers or anything else. Speaking of flowers, if this something you like to do for your lady, at least do something out of the ordinary! Don't be like every other man in the world and give her roses. It doesn't matter if they are red, white, or rainbow they are still roses and that takes absolutely no thought to buy roses. Purchase a single tulip or a bunch of garden flowers if you really want to impress her.
C. Flat out tell her you want to try dating. This is not a commitment! Just because you are dating does not mean that you are stuck with her or that you will marry her. It is just DATING. That's the reason we date, so that we can get to know you and you know us. If it works, then great! If not, then the world is not going to attack you. Let me just say one thing though, even though it is just dating does not mean that you can date two or three girls at the same time. If you want to do that, then tell the girl up front. She will either be ok with it or not.
This may seem like a lot of work or effort, but it really is not if you truly have an interest in the girl. These are things that should come from you without much effort, the same as they do her.

3) Once you have established you both have an interest in dating, DO NOT make it all about sex. Don't go from the guy she likes for his humor and/or looks to the pervert that won't leave her alone. We like sex as much, if not more, than most men. But that does not mean that we want to be groped, told about it, or talk about it all the time! I am an odd girl in this respect, I love sex. I can talk about it all the time, but I also know that there is a time and place for it. If you want to let your girl know that you want to have sex do it in an unconventional way. Don't just say 'So, am I getting any tonight?', this will most likely garner a 'No' response in some form or another. Don't walk up to her and grab a handful of butt or breast. **Newsflash- THIS DOES NOTHING FOR US!** If you want to get something started, gently kiss on the neck, run a finger down the arm or cheek, or simply kiss us in a 'non throat check with your tongue' way. Yes, it really is that simple. As I have said before, it is the littlest things in life that matter most.

4) Now that you have established a mutual interest and have started dating, do not.. I repeat DO NOT, stay around if things are not going good or say things you don't mean or feel. This will only prolong the inevitable. If you aren't into her, tell her. We all know that if she isn't in to you then she is going to tell you in one way, shape, form or fashion. It's just that simple. You don't have to tell us you love us for us to stay with you. You don't have to say that you want to be with us forever either. A little more clearly, don't say what you think, think being the key word, we want to hear. Most, of the time it's going to be the wrong thing or only cause problems in the long run.

5) One of the most important things to remember is communication. I can't stress this enough. Calm down boys. This does not mushy, gushy talks or talking about feelings, it simply means that you need to remember that you are with that person for a reason so you need to talk to them. Whether it is about something that you did or happened to you, listening to her on something that she did or that happened to her, or just a conversation of any kind. If there is a problem, don't blow it off. Deal with it right then and there, it will make life a lot easier than letting it fester like a zit, getting bigger and bigger until it just explodes one day and neither one of you know what caused it. Nine times out of ten we are going to probably get upset with whatever it is, but if you tell us beforehand or soon there after it will calm down a lot quicker and be a hell of a lot easier to deal with and move on from.

6) The other most important thing is sex. Yes, I said sex. As I said before, we like this aspect of a relationship the same, if not more than you. The first rule of sex is this: If you get it once, DO NOT DISSAPPEAR! This will only cause more anger and problems for other people down the road. *This goes for the ladies too!* Don't take a girl out, have sex with her and then never talk to her again. It doesn't work that way. That makes you look like a complete ass and us feel like idiots because we fell for the game. Once you are having sex, don't let it just be sex. No, this doesn't mean 'make love' **huge barfing sound inserted here**. This means, be inventive, aggressive, willing to try new things, and mostly willing to be taught and LISTEN! Just because you're last partner said you were good in bed, doesn't mean it will be the same with the next. Every man and woman is different in their needs and wants. Listen to what your partner has to say and try to do it. At the same time, let your partner know what you DON'T want too. If there is something that turns you off or disgusts you, then tell them! Don't let them think they are your new sex god, when you don't like what they are bestowing upon you. It really is that simple. Some of the best luvahs I have ever had were because they gave and received instructions well.


Conclusion:
I have written all of the above for much reason. One, because I have a lot of male friends in my life and these are a lot of the issues they deal with on a constant basis. They want to find that girl that makes them happy and carefree, but, like us women, have problems sorting the bad from the good. The second reason is, well, because I hope that some of the guys in my life that I am interested in or have dated will read this and understand what I have been trying to say. And, lastly, because I am sick of being treated like dirt or a piece of meat. As I said before, I am back in the 'dating' scene and it sucks. Guys, even at my age, still want to find a piece of ass. While this might be good for some of you, and we all know I heart a good piece myself, we are older and wiser now. Let's grow up, and have a real relationship before we are all 80, please. This doesn't mean go out and jump into a committed relationship, but let's not make it all about the sex. If we go out and have a good time, let that be it. Don't push for sex, and by all means, dayum sure don't ask for it. Because if you ask for it, it doesn't matter if we were thinking of giving you a little or not, you dayum sure aren't getting it now. I hope this has cleared a few things up, or even just gave you a good laugh.. Either way I feel better for having said it and am now moving on. ::wink::

**Stay tuned for Sex for Dummies: Your friend and mine, the Clitoris.**

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My Best Neighbor Friends

Well, here I am again. I survived yesterday. Not with exceeding success, but I survived none the less. A lot of that has to do with two of the best neighbors a person could ask for. And because of that I would like to tell you why they are that way, at least to me.

I'll start with Pegs...
I met Pegs about 7 years ago, 7 YEARS??.. Wow.., through a, at the time, mutual friend of ours. We have since weeded that other friend out so it could be just the two of us, he he. It was pretty much down hill from there, LOL. Over the years we have fought, cared, been there, fought some more, learned, lost ,and mostly loved. Without her I don't know if I could have survived the last 7 or so years of my life. She is.. Well, let me just make a list.. LOL
1. She is one of the strongest women I know. She knows what she wants in life, and is willing to do anything to get it. Some times to a fault, but never completely forgetting herself and others either. She has been through so much in life, but hasn't let anything stop her. Things that some other people can never even imagine, or begin to cope with.
2. She is one of the funniest people I know. I once left her a comment on a blog she wrote that said, "You make a dreary day fade away into laughter." I don't know where this came from, but since I wrote it I have thought more and more about it. I have finally figured out that was the best way to describe her, in my eyes. She makes just the right comment at some of the best, and worst times, better than anyone I know. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she has a crack for everything. She see things in so many different lights than others, and for that she is a absolute comedian!
3. She is one of the greatest loves of my life. I am one of those people that believe in soul mates, but not to the conventional methods. I believe that a soul mate does not have to be of the opposite gender or be someone you marry and sleep with. In my eyes they are people put on this earth to meet and either, balance each other's personality differences out or fit together like puzzle pieces. She is my balance.
4. She has taught me so much, with so little words. This is a hard one to explain, but I have learned a lot from her. Without her who knows where I would be today.
I eff'n heart you, Pegs!

On to Al... Hmmm.. Al. How to describe this... Well, I met Al about 4 years ago through, of course, Pegs. Although Al will be one to tell you that he knew me in school and a former menial job of mine. I would like to say that I remembered him, or knew him, but I can't. Not because he didn't mean anything, but simply because I don't remember a lot from that time of my life. **Different story for another time.. LOL**
As I said earlier, I believe there are people put on this earth to find each other. Al is my puzzle piece. We are 'two peas in a pod,' 'peas and carrots,' or 'PB&J' how ever you want to say it. We are so similar in most things, and so very different in others. He, like I, is a huge romantic at heart, though it takes a lot to pull that out. But for that right person, it just flows out endlessly. Not always a good thing, but again for the right one it is. Here are some things that I have learned about Al over the past few years.

1. He loves like there is no tomorrow. Once you earn his love, it is something you will never be without. The best part is that he lets you know that. Some people will love you so much, but never let you know, not Al. He is the quintessential 'Lover, not a fighter' man. And for that he will always hold a piece of my life and heart.
2. He is one of the best listeners around. It doesn't matter what is going on in his life, he will always have an open ear. Most will never use it, but it is wonderful to know that if and when you need it it's there. Not only does he listen, but he actually hears. He takes everything you say and processes it, and then comes up with something that will either make you bust out into a fit of laughter or make you cry and understand your situation a little better.
3. He is the biggest kid. Sometimes, when things are so hectic in your life it is glorious to know that you can count on Al to do something silly to get a laugh out of you. Whether it is to tell a corny joke or play fight, it's enough to take your mind off things for a while.
4. He, again like me, enjoys the simple things in life. The simplest pleasures or moments in life, mean the most. And for that he will be the best neighbor friend I will ever have.

For all of these reasons, is why I will love these two neighbors for the rest of my life. Through good and bad, ups an downs, and anything else that will come our ways. They are my best neighbors, but mainly they are the loves of my life and for that I thank them eternally. There are not words to describe how much they mean to me, so I will just say.... I love you both, and look forward to many, many years of friendship and love. Thank you for always being there for me, and trusting me to help you both in your times of need also.

Monday, October 02, 2006

A Little Explanation

Here I am... Things have been hectic lately, and I haven't really taken the time to blog, or anything else for that matter. This is a bad time of year for me. Everyone has their own personal “sad” time, for one reason or another, and this season is mine. It generally starts a little before my birthday, as I said in the last blog, and ends somewhere around Halloween. There are a lot of reasons that this is a bad time for me. Some mundane and not all that interesting to anyone but me, and some that only I will ever know. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, people putting their thoughts, feelings, stories, tragedies, and over all life out there for the world to see. Some say that it feels better to just let it out. That the anonymity of the internet helps in the fact that you can say what you want, that it doesn't matter if people judge you on it or not. They say it's just nice to get those things out that 95% of people keep locked inside for fear of judgment and disgrace. I am one of the 95% of people that keep things locked inside. I have this box, back in the darkest places of my mind. I keep a lot locked in there, for fear that if it got out, I would be judged, ridiculed, or embarrassed. I live my life the way I live it, some like it, some don't, but it's the way I choose to live it. Even though I live freely, I still worry about the shame from my past evils. I wouldn't change anything about my life, and I have no regrets, but there are choices that I have made that I don't wish upon anyone. Ok, ok, already... I will stop stalling and get on with it. I am going to share something that very, very few people know about me. It all starts about 6 years ago...

This could take a while...

In 2000, I met the love of my life. As in any relationship, things were hard, but it made it harder on us/me because 6 months after meeting he was stationed 1,500 miles away. We continued to try and date, but it didn't always work. It was on one of the splits, in late December of 2000, that I met Zach. Zach was a cutie, he was sweet and funny. He was also here and that was more appealing than anything else. I knew deep down that I could never really get involved seriously with him, because my heart was 1,500 miles away with LOML. Yet, even though I knew this, I still dated Zach for about 3 months. When Zach and I split, of course, LOML came swooping back into my life. I could never, and probably still couldn't, refuse him. This time it only last about a month or so, before he was calling it quits again. He said he just couldn't do it anymore, that we were just better off moving on with our lives. Talk about heartbreak! So, in May of 2001 I moved to Jayville. I still to this day don't really know why, but I did. While there, LOML visited numerous times for one reason or another. We never tried to start anything up again; we just enjoyed each others company while he was there. In August of 2001, the friends I was living with started having a lot of marital problems, and I figured it was time for me to go. I left for many reasons, but the main being that I didn't know if I could handle seeing LOML many more times without breaking my heart more each time. So, I went back to Paradise . Through out all of this time, nothing out of the ordinary happened, until I moved back. My parents were really upset with me that I had just up and moved away, so I couldn't stay with them. So, for a while I basically lived out of my car or on friend’s couches. It was the beginning of September that I noticed something was wrong. I had been feeling odd for a while, but nothing that really threw up a red flag. I have always had problems with reflux and heartburn, never been completely regular for that girly time thing, and have always had issues with my weight. But this time, I just couldn't put my finger on it. So, a friend of mine decided we should go to the doctor. Imagine my surprise when they told me that I was pregnant.

Oh my fucking god?!?!!


Are you kidding me???

Yeah, you heard me.... Things start running through my head. When? Who? How? I had only been with two men that year, and one of them supposedly had a vasectomy, the other I hadn't seen or had sex with since March. How the hell was this possible??!? Then the lovely nurse told me that I was about 8 to 8 1/2 months along.

WHAT??!?!??

You’re telling me that at pretty much any day I could have a baby?? No, there has got to be something wrong. I can't be pregnant... let alone THAT pregnant. I've had my period off and on for the last 8 months. I didn't get sick, well only with the stomach flu, that both of my friends had too. I haven't gained weight, ok well maybe a few pounds, but that was because I just lost the love of my life. And I certainly don't have a big pregnant belly! Yes, I am a big girl, but c'mon now... I am not THAT much over weight that I wouldn't be able to tell if there was a baby in there. What the hell???!?

It was after I got all this out, that the nurse calmly told me again, I was 8 to 8 1/2 months pregnant. And yes, it is possible to have your period throughout a pregnancy, to not gain that much weight, and not to have sickness. She then told me that I need to get to a doctor as soon as possible, to make sure that the baby and I are both healthy. She starts talk to me about all the options…

Options

Was she kidding me? What options do I have?? I am way too far along to think about aborting. But yet, I can't possible keep the baby... I am practically living out of my car for heaven's sake!!


Then she mentions adoption.

Adoption

Even now, when I say or hear this word I think of people that can't have babies. Or I think of my innocent childhood ideas and plans of adopting when I grew up. I rationalized that it would be silly to bring a child into the world, when I could adopt. Like I said... Childhood innocence…

Oh God, what was I going to do?

Adoption?

It's the only option that makes sense. I am 8 to 8 1/2 months along, I am living out of my car, and I don't have a steady job.... yet, could I do that? Can I live with that decision? Hell, it's not like I am 15 or 16 years old... I am 21, about to be 22 in a couple of weeks. But what life could I give a baby with the circumstances I am living in?

The nurse made me an appointment with a doctor. My first obstetrician appointment… It is a day that I will never forget, for many reasons. One of the main ones being that it was September 11th, 2001. Yep, I remember where I was... I was, like the song says, 'driving down a cold interstate.'
It was in the waiting room that the thought occurred to me, I have no idea where Zach is. I knew that it was his baby, but how was I going to find him? Oh God, how in the hell was I going to tell LOML???!? He was still in my life, though there was nothing going on between us, he was still there. How do you tell someone that you are pregnant, by another man? Let alone, that you had been with him while being pregnant by that other man.

**Side note- I did eventually tell LOML. It wasn't exactly peaches and cream, but he was ok. He understood the decision I made and was still choosing to stay in my life.**

After my doctor's appointment, I met with the adoption agency. There's that word again... “Adoption” How was I going to do this? What would they think? Would they think about me giving up a child at my age? Would they think I was a horrible person? I certainly did.
The woman I spoke with was nice. Shit! How would I make her understand that I was not a tramp, whore, or some other degrading word for women? How would I prove to her that I was not just taking the easy way out? That I wasn't just giving up a baby so I could continue on with my life like it was? Most importantly, how was I going to tell her I had no idea where the father of the baby was?? After listening to me trying to explain all of this to her, she told me to do what I could and that we would cross that bridge when we got there.

I did eventually get in touch with Zach, and he came in to talk to the adoption counselor. He knew what needed to be done and had no problem in doing what he needed to do. How awkward is that? To see somebody for the first time in 6 months, just to tell them that you are pregnant with their child and giving it up for adoption. Thankfully, he was the same Zach I once fell for, understanding and thoughtful. He was concerned about me and agreed with me on almost everything. He didn't question me, or want to battle it out; he trusted me and went along with it all.

Less than a month later, I was induced. On October 2nd, 2001 at 8:43 am I gave birth to a 6lbs 10ozs little boy.
I never saw him.
This is something I think I will always regret, but everyone around me thought it would be better. I was so detached from everything that I let others make the decisions. Looking back I will not complain. I know they had the best intentions, and who knows, they were most likely right.
I gave him a name and signed away my rights all in the same day.
He was adopted by a very loving, giving, and happy couple. I know that he is in the best hands, and that I did the right thing. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me feel better.

Today, that little boy is 5 years old.
That means that in 13 more years he has the right to find me. Will he?
If he does will he hate me? I don't know, but God I hope not. I hope that he understands that I did the best I thought I could by him. I hope that he understands that it wasn't that he was unwanted, but that I wanted him to have the life that I couldn't provide to him. He didn’t ask to be brought into the world, or to live a life of struggle. I gave him up so he could have the life he deserved.
He deserved everything that I couldn't give him.

I was given pictures of him over the first year of his life. Since then, I haven't received anything. I understand the parents reasoning, honestly I do, but at the same time I guess I am being selfish. I would like to see what he looks like. I would like to know that he is enjoying life and everything it has to offer him.
It makes it hard some times to look at Jerrod and not wonder what if they share the same traits. Does he look like Jerrod? Because in the pictures I do have of him, they are the spitting images of each other. I love Jerrod more than anything in the world, but I still wonder about my older son. I still wonder if he will question that almost exactly two years later I had another child, and kept it. I wonder if he will understand that so much can change in two years time. I wonder if he will understand that I didn't want to give him away, but did what I felt best for him. I still wonder a lot, I still hurt, I still feel ashamed, I still question. I still feel... everything and nothing at the same time.
But mostly I still love.