Friday, December 22, 2006

Coversations within Myself

So after three very odd and interesting dreams last night I have decided that I need some changes in my life. Whether or not these changes happen I thought I would share them with you. Maybe you all will get some of the same amusement out of them that I have.

  • I need a man in my life. No, not because I need someone to support me or because I don't want to be alone. I just need that smell and presence that men give off. You know the ones I am talking about; The smell of a man after he has worked all day, kind of a mix between sweat and whatever cologne he grabbed that morning. Is there anything better? Or just the presence they tend to give off. Masculine and steady without saying a thing. Or knowing that just having them around makes you feel sexy, wanted, and safe.
  • I need to do something different with my life. Now what this is I haven't figured out yet, but I just know I need to. Should I get a haircut? Or maybe finally decide what it is I want to do with my life.
  • I need (Read: NEED, with every part of my being) to get laid. Not fall in love. Not date. Just pure, raw sex. I want to feel the weight of a man on top of me. I need someone to make me hurt (No, I am not an S&M kind of girl, but the kind of soft pain that usually comes after a good night of sex, at least when it is done right.) and more than anything I just need it to relax. I want someone to make me sweat, hell make me beg at some point for it, just give it to me!
  • I need to lose more weight. Granted I have lost 34 pounds since August, I still need to lose more. I need to get back to my 'happy' weight. I don't know that I was ever completely happy with that weight, but I do know that I was more comfortable with myself and my self image.
  • I want someone to want me. I want someone to have that everlasting, can't live without you, can't help but touch you need to be around me. (Yes, I realize this is probably a fantasy and no one truly does this, but hey... it's my wish/want/need list. :) )
  • I need to quit letting my parents (Read: Father) influence me and make me not believe in myself or feel bad for the decisions of how and why I live my life.

Yeah, I think this about covers them all. From this, I think you can probably guesstimate what my dreams were last night (And yes, all of the listed above where in some way, shape, or form in my dreams last night.). Anybody have any suggestions? :)

Thursday, December 21, 2006

*Warning* Rant Ahead

Yes, I know... it seems as that's all I have been doing lately is ranting and whining, but I assure you that after the first of the year I will try to make things better. Thanks for sticking with me and all of your kind words and thoughts! Now, on to the rant.

Telemarketers (TM) and bill collectors (BC) can bite my ass. I know it is not only me that is constantly bombarded and annoyed by these people, but I wish they would leave me the hell alone! There are sooooooo many things that I could say about these people but I am taking a cue from a great (Read: Hilarious, honest, and thought inspiring!!) blog I have recently stumbled upon and have put it into a 'Thursday Thirteen'.

  1. 85% of the working world has a Monday through Friday job and at least 75% of those people work some kind of hours between 7 am and 7 pm. So why in the hell would telemarketers and bill collectors call between those hours? Because they too work those same hours, yet are completely inept at the idea that they are bothering you at your job, nor do they care. How about I call you at your job to ask when you think you might be able to make a payment or to up sale you on more credit on the card that five minutes ago you were calling me about to make that dayum payment??? Yeah, I didn't think so.
  2. Why in the hell would you ever, and I mean EVER, call someone only to have them pick up the phone to an automated voice telling them they have a 'Very important phone call. Please hold the line for the next available customer service agent.'?? What is the point in this? Don't you realize that by telling the general population that they have an 'important' message they are going to realize that it's a BC or TM??? Not to mention the fact that everyone that does realize who in fact is calling, is NOT going to 'hold the line', but rather hang up the phone.
  3. If you have called the same person, for the same thing more than three times in a month, it doesn't matter how rude or obnoxious or illegal you make it sound, you are NOT getting your money. Move on!
  4. I want to know for what idiot TM's actually work for. You know there is someone, somewhere out there that actually buys something from time to time, otherwise these sadistic morons would stop calling.
  5. By all means, please tell me what could be so appealing about a free month subscription to a magazine that no one has ever heard of that makes the idiots mentioned above want to buy it??
  6. If I already have some type of service that you offer, do NOT call me once a month and offer me to upgrade. Be thankful that my service is still with you!
  7. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT, get rude with me because I don't have time to talk to you. As I said above, you are apparently at work the same as I am. I don't call you at work at ask you to pay your dayum bills!
  8. By all means, if you are one of these sadistic morons that work in a TM or BC call center, do your job right. Say my name correctly (C'mon.. it's not that hard of a name. Sound it out!), don't talk to you friends in the cubicle next to you while waiting for the phone to beep in you ear to tell you that you have a call coming through (Duh, I can hear you talking about how drunk you got last night! I don't freaking care, and probably neither do your friends!), and by all means, please God, know what the hell you are talking about (If you can't do your job and tell me the correct amount I owe you without putting me on hold for 10 minutes, get a new job!)
  9. Have a little courtesy! I guess because I am born and bred southern, telling someone 'Yeah, that's right.' or 'That's not what your account says.' just irks the shit out of me. Is it that hard to say 'Yes, that is correct.' or 'No ma'am, let me look again.'
  10. DO NOT EAT WHILE YOU ARE ON THE PHONE!!! No one wants to hear you 'masticating your meat' while on the phone with you. (*Bonus points to the person that knows what movie that's from.*)
  11. Do not tell me that I don't know what I am talking about, and then a minute later say 'Oh, I see that' and try to make me feel like an idiot. Look, I will go through the dayum phone and beat your ass.
  12. If I tell you I don't want it, I DON'T want it! Don't try and keep me on the phone, or tell me that I will get a special gift just for trying it. I don't want the dayum thing! If I did I would have said so. I am not holding out, trying to get a fucking gift or trying to play coy to get a good deal! I apparently feel that I have no need for whatever item it is you are trying to sell, move along!
  13. Quit calling me, period. I will pay you when I have the fucking money. If I think for any reason I may need what ever it is you are selling, I will find a store that sells it. In the words of my mother... 'Get it? Got it? Good, now fuck off.' Gotta love Mom.

OK, I think I feel a little better now. And in case I am not back before Christmas, I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday Season and a great New Year. May all of your dreams and hopes come true, and may it all be surrounded by love. *Muah*

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Bah Hum Bug

Is it me, or does it just not feel like Christmas? I know that I have my issues going on right now, but it seems like I am not the only that is not in the ‘Holiday’ spirit. Every where you look people are leading normal, everyday lives. I hardly hear anyone speak of Christmas, gifts, or even parties. It just doesn’t feel like Christmas. I mean, how is supposed to feel like Christmas when here in lovely Paradise the temperature is close to 80 degrees? This is not winter or Christmas weather. It’s even too hot for normal here, in fact we set a record high yesterday… 77 degrees on December 18, 2006. That’s just CRAZY! Sure, there are Christmas lights on houses and decorations abound, but how is one supposed to get in the ‘Spirit’ with record setting weather? I can’t even get in the mood to wrap presents, write cards, or finish my shopping. I am about ready to give in and say Bah Humbug!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Why is it?

**Warning- This is probably going to be a real pity party post, so I will not blame you if you don't continue past this point. This is a rough time of year for me and it's all been getting to me lately, not to mention to stupid boys. **

This is not going to turn into another 'fishing' post, but why is that after a guy leaves you they want you? Honestly... the relationship ends, you finally move on after the 'grieving' period only to find out that the guy now wants to continue calling and be in your life. If you haven't figured it out already I have this problem right now. Not with only my soon to be ex-husband, but an ex-boyfriend and a friend's ex. What gives??

If I wasn't wife or girlfriend material the first time around, why keep calling or stay in contact period? Is it because you realize that I wasn't as horrible as you made me out to be? Is it because no one else will put up with your quirks the way I did? Or is it simply because you realized that you let go of a great girl, not to mention a sexual goddess??

If I didn't 'treat' you right or wasn't available, why try now? Maybe because you passed up the opportunity for a great thing and you realize what a dumb ass you are now? Or maybe it's because you realized that although I am not a size 0, or even a 10, I am a wonderful person that would treat you like a fucking king, even when you don't deserve it?

I just don't understand. I can't seem to find or keep a good man, and yet when I do they aren't interested or date me for a while to break up the monotony until they find something better. How about this... if you have read this far you are either really bored, can understand to a point where I am coming from, or you just enjoy trying to figure out the male species as much as I do (Please note the sarcastic tone in my voice.), so I am going to give you the situation that I am faced with right now. If you feel like it or just want to, give me some insight here.

The ex-husband: If any of you have read this blog before, you seen what I have written about Steve. He is not the brightest crayon in the box if you know what I mean, but he won't leave me the hell alone. Me... not his son. He tries constantly to find a way to convince me back into his life. Hellllooooo! You are the one that kicked me out; You are the one that moved 7 states away with no notice and not only abandoned me, but your two year old son. Not to mention the fact that you not only live, but work less than two miles away from your child at all times and yet the last time you saw him was for two hours on Halloween night. Oh and let's not forget your latest ploy to get me back... (and I quote here folks) "Let's have a little baby girl. That will force us to get back together." Excuse me?? Are you f*ing kidding me? First of all that would require me to have sex with you... oh lord, I just threw up in my mouth... but it would also require me to look at you. Let's not forget here that you already have one child that you don't have anything to do with. What in the hell would make me go for this idiotic plan?? Uhm........ No.

The ex-boyfriend: Like Steve, I have talked about Jefferson before. What I never disclosed is that we actually dated a looooong time ago. Pre failed marriage and child, pre first child, and pre maturity growth. I met him when I live in Jayville on one of the many 'pauses' in mine and Wayne's relationship. (Can I even call that one a relationship?) He too was a Military man, and I fell for all the same shit. Although I do have to admit, he came to Paradise many of times just to see me. I thought at one point he was even marriage material, but alas I was wrong... again. Hell he even got stationed in Paradise just to be with me, only to break up with me about a month before he was to move here. To make a long story short, after Steve and I split we ran into each other again. He was still stationed here and that is the Jefferson you read about. He has since gotten out of the military and moved back to his home town. Over the past few months since he has been gone he has stayed in contact with me. Even telling me that he missed me, that if he had the opportunity he would move down to give us another chance, and that he should have never let me go the first time. Oh, and don't forget the "fact that you give the best f*ing blow job in the world." (His words not mine... although I already knew that. He he he) Yeah, I am going to to do everything in my power to be with someone that says those heartfelt and caring words to me... again, please note the sarcastic nature of that remark. I wasn't good enough for you the first time in '01, or the second time in '02, and let's not forget the latest try in '06... my thoughts: Three strikes you are out... O-U-T! I am not an idiot, although my choice in men seem to make me think otherwise. I am sorry that you couldn't figure out what a catch I was one of the three times we 'tried.' I am also sorry that you are single, lonely, and think that I will just take you back with open arms because I am the same. Nope, don't think so buddy... move along.

The friend's ex: Ah Shaine. This one is a little different. There has never been anything between us but flirtation. Why you ask. Well I met him through a friend. He was her husband until early last year. I know, I know... woman's rule, never date a friends ex. But here's the catch. I haven't seen nor spoken to this friend since early '04. Why? Don't really know, she just kind of disappeared on me. I knew that her and Shaine were having problems and I also knew that she was cheating on Shaine. Last I knew of them Shaine had found out about her cheating on him, because she found out he was cheating on her. Yeah... not a good marriage right? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Since then I didn't hear from either one of them until early '06. Actually, Jefferson is the one that told me they were divorced. (FYI: I lived with Shaine and her in Jayville when I met Jefferson. Shaine and Jefferson worked together on base.) Shaine found me after that on the world's most known space and we have been talking ever since. He wants to come and see me. He says that he always wanted to know what it was like to be with me. (More FYI: Shaine was also the one that hooked me up with Wayne; They were best friends, so you know there was talk... great...) He says that he has always been attracted to me. Yet, there is no talk of anything beyond sex. That is not what I need or want in my life, though to admit it, I have always wanted to know what's it like to be with him. He wants to fly into Paradise after the first of the year and stay with me while he is in some kind of training. At times I feel like telling him that I will not be a 'Port of Call Girl', but I also know what a great guy he can be. I also know that he is caring, yet an asshole; We get along really well, yet fight like siblings at times.

There are also a few others that I won't get into, because (a) I just don't have the energy and (b) I really don't feel like depressing you or myself any more at this point. I just don't f*ing get it. I am only wanted by losers, deadbeats, or people that live a minimum of 4 states away. WHY?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Four years ago today I witnessed my closest friend’s world shatter to pieces around her. I watched helplessly, wishing I could run to her and pick up those pieces as they fell, but knowing that I couldn’t and that her world and mine would forever be changed by the events of that day.

Before this fateful day, I had watched my friend go through some of the best and worst times of her life. She had been with me that dark and dreadful night, in a maternity ward, where our innocence was lost. I had been with her as she had found, and lost, what was thought to be the love of her life, as she had been with me through mine. I had been with her to watch her blossom as she discovered herself and everything she was. I was also with her when she found out what every woman fears and dreams about.

She was pregnant.

I held her hand that day and have never felt so much fear, hurt, doubt, and joy as I did that day. I watched as her eyes pleaded with me to tell her it wasn’t so. I held her close as her tears fell with worry and love. I stood there as everything inside battled within her being. I listened as she talked about all the good and bad that could come of this situation; All the love and fear that would surely result from it too. Mostly, I was just there, as she had wanted me to be. Wishing that there was something I could do to ease all the emotions that were wrecking havoc with her. Wanting to yell at her for not being more careful and remember what I had just went through. Wishing that by remembering, it could have saved her all the pain she was dealing with. All the while, telling her that everything would be OK, that it would all work out; Telling her that she had family and friends that would support her and help her as much as humanly possible; Telling her that I would be there regardless of anyone else, as she had been there for me.

Over the next few months, I watched her and the baby inside of her grow, in many more ways that physically. I watched her mature beyond her years. I watched as she became everything that I couldn’t be such a short time ago. I watched as she was given the opportunity to love and cherish her child and little family. I watched as she walked every step of the way with a loving man right beside her. And I watched as that loving man left her broken and torn the day their son was born.

From that day on, the most impressionable memory I have is watching as she became the epitome of strength, duty, love, and motherhood. She gave everything she had to her son. I watched as she would cry, watching her son in the NICU. I listened as she would tell me about her fear, hopes, and worries about him. I held her when it all became too much and would just need someone there to lean on. I would take him from her, to give her a needed break, and let me be close to him. And I was there when those pieces started to fall….

Four years ago today her son passed. At four months old, he left this world to join another. I will never forget him. But I will never forget the pain, sorrow, hurt, remorse, self doubt and loathing, and shock I witnessed her go through. I will never forget laying on her mother’s bed with her, looking into her eyes and seeing nothing and everything at the same time. I will never forget feeling so helpless and worried for her, and being able to do nothing about it.

As always, I was there with her through everything; Every step of the way, as much as I could be and as much as she wanted me to be. I watched as her world was torn away from her and turned upside down. Knowing that no matter what was said or by whom, there was nothing that I, or anyone else, could do.

Since that day, four years ago, I have again been there. I have watched her put her life back together. I have watched her find true and undying love from a man that is everything to her and everything she deserves. I have witnessed her become a mother to a child that is not of her blood, yet that child is treated as if it came from her womb. I have watched as that child’s biological mother has abandoned that child, and my friend has stepped up to be the mother she was not given the chance to be, and excel at it. I have watched as she has endured even more pain and suffering that she does not deserve, yet stood amazed as she keeps on trudging through her life to make it everything it can be. So today, I write her story through my eyes. I tell the world of the pain and love that she has been through in her life, in the hope that whoever may read this will hold their child a little tighter, or that another story of the same will be given hope that there is life left, it’s just how you choose to live it.

And to her I say this… I will forever be in awe of you. You are one of the strongest and loving people I know. What you have been through in your life is not deserved, but you walk with your head high and your hopes and dreams alive. I will be here, until my dying day, for you to lean upon at your will. I will be the rock that you have been for me through so much, and only wish that I will be half of the person you are in my lifetime. I will remind you again of the love I have for you and the memories still yet to be made. I will not say that all will be OK, because that is not up to me to say. But I will say, that no matter the falls and spills or the joys and triumphs, you will always be a part of me and I can only hope to be the same for you.

And to my Godson I say… You are dearly missed. You brought such joy to people in what little time we were given with you. You taught us all so much, and were so wise beyond your time. You are loved even though you are gone, and you will never be forgotten. I love you NickyNick, and I know that you are watching over all of us. G.B.N.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Is it odd?

What do you do when you feel like your world is falling down around you?

That is a question that many have asked me, and that I now find myself asking. This is very difficult for me to write about, let alone admit. In my life I have always been that rock that everyone leans on. Don’t get me wrong, I love being that rock. I love knowing that people can come to me about anything and everything and they know that I will be there regardless. But, that is where the problem lies. People come to me knowing that I will do, to the best of my abilities, what I can to help. This puts me in a position where I know how bad or good things are going for these people. So I often feel that I don’t want to burden them with my issues when I know how things are for them. I know deep down that they will help me, as I have helped them, but I find it difficult to open up and feel like I am just adding more weight to their shoulders when they have their own piled up already. I worry and stress constantly about everything, but how do I tell anyone when I feel like this? I worry about everything from money to Jerrod, from my friends to my life; I stress myself out so bad that I give myself migraines, and still don’t want to or know how to deal with anything. I’ve had nightmares since I was a child due to one reason or another. For many years I was able to get rid of them, but over the last few months they have returned with vengeance. It makes it difficult to sleep, when sleep is all I really want, and that, in itself, is a bad thing too. I have gotten to the point where I am hardly eating again. Not because I don’t want too, but I just can’t make myself make time to sit down and eat. I have always had issues with self esteem and that seems to be making a come back as well. The scariest thing to me is that very, and I mean very, few people truly know this about me. Even the ones that do know, don’t know to what extent it is, because I ‘fake’ everything so well. I fake so well in fact that even I sometimes find it hard to know what I truly feel about myself, let alone anything else. Sure, the ones that know me and truly care about me think they have an idea, but in all honesty they don’t. How could they when I, myself, don’t know the deepest extent it reaches?

I have written in the past, that over the last few years I was in a state of depression due to my failing and loveless marriage. That is not all true. I was in a state of depression, and it was, in part, due to the bad marriage, but it actually started a long time before that. To be honest, I am not sure when it started. I could say that it started with Russell or Billy, or maybe it started with this, but I just really don’t know. For most of my life, I have been able to suppress it and go on about my daily life, but it seems to be getting harder and harder.

When Steve and I split, I was lost for a while. It wasn’t losing him, so much as it was just realizing I had failed at one more thing in my life. That was hard to deal with for a while, and then one day I woke up and I had found a way to suppress it all over again. Yes, yes I know… it’s not good to just suppress it, but what can I do. I have enough stress, worry, and other problems in my life. I can’t deal with them all. I wake up daily and decide what I can and can’t deal with today. I try to figure out what is worth it and what isn’t. Most days it’s a simple choice of Jerrod and everything else as it comes. Then there are the other 75% of days that I just want to go back to sleep and deal with it all later. This isn’t fair… it isn’t fair to anyone in my life or me.

I made a step yesterday. I didn’t set out with the intention of making that step, it just ended up that way. My intention was to find a way to go to an OB/GYN to make sure that I am still cancer free. I have been having a lot of the same terrible pains I had before my surgery in 2004 to remove two thirds of my cervix. These pains are bearable most times, but it’s the times where I hit my knees in the middle of a job that throw me for a loop. After enduring this for the last few months, I decided it was probably time to do something about it. Let me stop here and explain something… since the split I haven’t had insurance. It is not offered at my current job and I can’t get approved through the state for any kind of help. Because of this, I spent an hour and a half calling around yesterday to see if there was anyone who would or could help me. I was finally able to find a reputable office that bases fees on your income. You have to answer some questions and submit some documentation to be considered. It was during this questionnaire that I answered truthfully for the first time in a long time about my depressive tendencies. It was then that the nurse I was speaking with offered to set me up with an appointment to see a therapist also. I have always found that odd. That I am in need of therapy. Not because I don’t need it or it’s an admittance of being ill, or something of that nature, but because that is what I have always wanted my career to be. I want to help people; I want to find a way to help them fix their problems and relationships. Do you find that as odd as I do? Maybe that is why I need the help. Am I so willing to help others and look to find rhyme and reason in their lives that I can’t see my own? Am I so closed off to things inside of me that I can’t see anything? Am I mistaken for wanting to help as many people as I can, when I can’t help myself? Am I strange for wanting to point out the good and bad in others when I can’t seem to find anything but bad inside of myself? I wonder… if being a therapist can help so many others, is it true that I might just find the help I need for myself?

Friday, December 01, 2006

A to Z Meme

Found this on a cool blog. For those of you tagged, feel free to do it or not. :)
Hope everyone has a good weekend!

A-Z of Me !!!

A - Available/Single? In between
B - Best Friend? Pegs, Al, Jerrod, and Mom
C- Cake or Pie? Cake
D - Drink Of Choice? Water
F - Favorite Color? Any shade of blue
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Both please.. YUMMY!
H - Hometown? (born in ) I will just say Alabama.. ok.. you can stop laughing now
I - Indulgence? SLEEP!! J
J - January Or February? February.. don’t really know why.
K - Kids & Their Names? 2; Jerrod
L - Life Is Incomplete Without? My son, family, and friends.
M - Marriage Date? Was July 5th… but that is no longer…
N- Number Of Siblings? One half brother, Chad
O - Oranges Or Apples? Either or is fine with me.
P - Phobias/Fears? Small spaces, not being a good mom, and dying alone.
Q - Favorite Quote? “Tell me why it is that women always pull the same kind of men to them? The one that will taste them, eat them, swallow them, and then spit them out…Only to leave them at the side of the road, drive away, then back up to say, ‘You want another ride?”
R - Reason to Smile - Jerrod
S - Season? Fall
T - Tag Four People? He he he… Pegs, Deb, Jenny, and Heather
U - Unknown Fact About Me? I love to sing, and think highly of my singing… whether others do or not I don’t care.. lol.
V - Vegetable you dont like? Not a big fan of corn… blechk
W - Worst Habit? I have a few…
X - X-rays You've HadRecently: Haven’t had one in a long time.. but I did have a ultrasound in August when they found the gall stones. Does that count?
Y - Your Favorite Food? Mexican
Z - Zodiac Sign? Virgo