Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I didn't mean for you to get hurt...

This is probably not going to make all that much sense, or really be all that interesting to anyone but me, but I am doing it anyway. Do you ever just have so much to say or do that you need to write it all down in the hopes that it will alleviate some of the pressure building up into a massive headache? Well, I am having one of those moments days years… yeah that’s it, years. Which to be honest is completely sad as it is only 59 days into 2007. If you haven’t figured out yet, I am on a rampage. I have given warning to those close to me, so as to not make them think it is them, but that everyone else can kiss my big, fat, white ass. At this particular moment I hate:

  1. Steve. I am sure I really don’t need to say much more, but there is oh so much that could be said. Hell, even if I was to tell you two things you would probably begin to understand why I am so pissed.

i. The man is selfish, idiotic, perverted, lazy, and disgusting… not to mention that it has now been one month since he left town and he has yet to make any contact, or even attempt at contacting, with his son. Yet, he is dating his ex before me again, who has a child, and is living at home with his brother who just had a child, you would think seeing those children would remind him that he has one also.

ii. He is letting yet another car get repossessed. How much of a moron do you have to be to have not one, not two, but three cars get repossessed? Let’s not forget that he is not the brightest crayon in the box, because on his application for one of the ‘Buy here, Pay here’ places that he got the car from, he put down his parents names and address with the wrong phone number. So they have tried to call me. Not to mention that he signed for this car in September or October of 2005 and hasn’t made a payment on it since January or February of 2006. When he moved the first time he took it with him, but when he moved back to Paradise in August of last year he left it with his mother, who by the way didn’t make a payment on it either.

iii. One more, just for shits and giggles… I wrote him a letter early this week letting him know that I had finally gotten all the papers done and filled out so that we can finally get this divorce over and done with. I have been exceedingly nice throughout this entire process so as to save my self time, energy, heartache and BS along the way. (Yes, I know… stupid me.) Have I gotten a response? No. We are talking the papers that will include how long, when, and if he gets to see his child. How much and when he owes money for that child. If he owes in money in the arrears for that child also. Not to mentio1n what and how much he owes for the debts he left in both of our names.

iv. I think what annoys me the most about him is that as much as I try to be nice, or not let the things he does upset me, he still gets under my skin. Whether he does them intentionally, which he LOVES to do, or not it all gets to me eventually. I might be ok with the first or even second stupid or selfish thing, but by that third time I am ready to drive to wherever it is he is and … well, I don’t think I need to leave any incriminating evidence incase I actually do it this time, but you all get my point I am sure.

  1. I am in the process of finding out if my cervical cancer is back. This is one of the things that have been going in my life that I haven’t found a way to deal with or tell all of you about. I don’t have a lot of info on the matter, and to be honest with you I haven’t found a way to deal with it or talk about yet. I am just so beyond caring at this moment that I thought why not just tell you all and maybe it might help me to be able to deal with it. The only thing I know is that when I went for a check up on the 16th, the doctor saw lesions on and around my cervix again. The doctor is worried because the last time that the lesions were found it progressed very quickly. She doesn’t want that to happen again, but it could be anything, or so she said. The lesions could be remnants of the first surgery, scar tissue that has darkened from the first surgery, or the worst it could be the beginnings of cancerous cells again. Either way, she took a scraping of the area and sent it in to be analyzed. I am scheduled to go back on March 9th for the results and a Colposcopy, which is where they take a biopsy of what is left of my cervix. She wanted to do this regardless of the result of the scraping because she wants to have a better feel for what all is going on in my body and if there is a bigger problem at hand.
  2. I was also told at the same doctor’s appointment that I could, she tried to stress could, be diagnosed with what she called livable depression. The way she explained it to me was that I had a slight case of depression, where the body and mind does fine 75% of the time, but it’s that other 25% that sends me into a tailspin of emotional and physical roller coaster. Sounds like fun doesn’t it? No, not really. (Hey, at least I still have some of my humor left...) She didn’t want to put me on anything at the moment until we get the girly stuff taken care of.

So there you go… everything that has been going on in my life and a few extras rants thrown in for good measure. I can’t promise that my next post will be any time soon or any better for that matter. I know you are all kind and loving people, and you will read this and wish me all the best in the world, so I will say thank you to all of those people here and now. I really do appreciate the kind words and thoughts; I just have to work through this somehow.

Before I go, I want to give a very, very special thank you to two people:

  • Pegs, without you I don’t know that I would wake up each day with out something positive to think or do. I love you more than words can describe and appreciate all you have and will do for me. You are my sister, period.
  • Queen… I know that we don’t really know each other, but every time I am going through one of my down periods or even the good ones, you are there with the perfect comment at the perfect time. Thank you so very much, for just being you. It means a lot.

Title is a quote from Gwen Stefani's "The Sweet Escape."

Monday, February 26, 2007

Time for a Change

Well, as you can all see I have made some changes to my blog. I thought it was time for an update, as there has been a few changes in my life recently. A few of them I will tell you about, but there are a couple that I am just not ready to talk (Read: deal with) yet. The quote you see in the title box comes from a couple of different quotes I have seen online with a couple additions of my own. All in all I think it rings pretty true to my life in the past and right now. I am not perfect nor do I think I want to be. I think being unperfect gives me my own identity and reason.

As you all know I moved in with Peg and Al at the end of January. It was something I did for a few reasons, but mainly because I couldn't afford to live on my own, take care of Jerrod and feed us both all at the same time. I know what I did was the right choice, but being independent and stubborn like I am, it has still been a little hard to swallow. The Bundy's have been more than supportive of me, in the past and now, and I couldn't appreciate what all they have done more, but it's still hard to admit that you need help. Over all we have adjusted to being there. Kelly and Jerrod are enjoying each other and not being the only child anymore, OK... well mostly they are enjoying it. I do like that I now have consistent help with Jerrod and that I don't have to be the only person in the house anymore. Thankfully we all get along, well 90% of the time, and love each other.

As for everything else going on, Jerrod is doing good, Steve hasn't made an appearance, phone call, or any other type of communication since the last time, and Carl... well, not really sure what's going on there. I will write about the other things when I have come to grips with them, but I should be back later in the week. Hopefully, I will have something a little more interesting to talk about. Until then... *muah*

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I'll be Bachk... Yes, I know I am a dork :)

I am taking a leave of absence. I don’t know how long I will be gone, but I thought it fair to tell you that I will probably not be updating this all that often. I have a lot going on in my personal life and a fear that I have a lot of hard decisions coming my way very soon. I will try to continue to read as many of your blogs, and comment, as I can. Sometimes, you just can’t talk for yourself… Hope you are all well and happy!! I hope to be back sooner rather than later… Take care, and until next time… *muah*

Friday, February 16, 2007

Valentine's, Breakups, and Drownings...

I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day! Mine was uneventful, but nice. My loving friends, Peg and Al, both gave me a valentine which was very nice! Instead of going on dates or someone being left alone on Valentine's, we all went to Peg's parent's house for dinner. Which I have to say was absolutely d to the e to the licious! (Thank you Fergie for teaching me how to spell that. Or am I the only one that has noticed that she has put her 'Speak -N- Spell' to good use?) Over all it was a great day... well except for the aggravating letter I got from Steve. I am not ready to talk about that one yet, but I will eventually.

I think I am on the break up path with Carl. Don't get me wrong, he is a good guy and all but there are many factors about him/the relationship that are difficult. First of all, he tends to annoy the piss out of me. To be perfectly honest, I can't even tell you why the things that he does annoy me, they just do. He tends to be sexual in a lot of the texts that he sends, well I take that back... he used to be that way until I asked him to stop. He has a problem with being a little over affectionate when we are together. I am not talking about kissing or touching, which he does often, but the constant touching and groping. I swear it's like being in high school all over again. Yet, I think the most difficult thing is the distance between us. It's not like we are that far apart, but we are a good 45 minutes to an hour from each other. Normally this wouldn't be that big of a deal, but with me having Jerrod and him having two jobs it makes it difficult to see each other. Not to mention, coordinating schedules to spend time together. Eh... we will see I suppose, but I honestly feel it starting to fall apart.

Touching on my next subject, I have to first curse Pegs for getting me attached to this one. I have recently become a fan of Grey's Anatomy. For any of you who haven't seen it, you really need to try it out. It is not the soap opera drama I thought it would be, although it does have it's tendencies. For those of you who are fans, how do you feel about the Meredith situation? Can they honestly get rid of the main character? I mean what would it be called then? Yang's Anatomy? Izzy's Anatomy? O'Malley Anatomy? (That's my personal fave, although it does make it sound like a comedy...) I don't know if the show could handle losing it's main character like that... Not to mention I would be one pissed off little girl!! Though, I wouldn't be quite as angry and upset as Pegs. Guys and girls, if you know me then you have probably read some of Peg's stuff. The girl is my heart, but she can be a little hotheaded and crazy at times. To prove my point, below is a part of the conversation we had after the show. Oh, and go read her take on the whole situation at her blog.

Me: WTF!?? They can't get rid of Meredith...

Pegs: They can't get rid of her... it's her show. I am f**king pissed.

Al: Hey, they could call it Yang's Anatomy

Me: I doubt they will get rid of her

P: She was dead. She saw Denny and that bomber guy.

A: Yeah, that's true Marc

M: Yeah, but they could tell her it's not her time and send her back like they do in all those white light shows or something.

P: You better hope so. I am pissed. Someone call ABC and tell them they can't do this!

A: Where is that? New York City?

P: Yes.

M: What are you doing Al?

A: I am calling 411 for the number.

**None of this is a joke. He actually called 411 and got the number for ABC Studios on 66th Ave in New York. **

A: (Message left on Grey's Anatomy comment line) You can't kill of Meredith. You just can't. My wife would cause holy hell if you were to kill Meredith's character and change the show. So, please don't get rid of Meredith. You just can't do it. I am telling you my wife would just go crazy. Thank you.

M: (Laughing my head off) OMG... tell me you just didn't do that?!?

P: Thank you Al. You have proven your love to me once again! Yes, I am spoiled.

M: That's great.

A: Well, I had to do something...

P: If they change the show, I am cancelling cable in the house for one year. That's how long it will take me to get over it.

M:Whoa, hold up sister. That's a little crazy...

A: Yeah, you can't get rid of cable... what about Desperate Housewives?

P: Oh... well.. I will just ban anyone from watching ABC except on Sunday nights.

Yes, this was a real conversation had... I couldn't make that shit up if I tried!! Until next time kiddos... *muah*

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Finally... **Updated**

Well, it’s finally happened. I am a full fledged member of the Bundy household. I finished to moving this past weekend, turned in the keys to my place, and unpacked everything as of last night. It’s a both a happy and sad feeling that I feel. I am so amazed by the love and support that both Peggy and Al have extended to me, yet it is still saddening to me that I had to have that help and support offered to me. Everyone keeps telling me that it is not a defeat that I needed help or that I took it, but somewhere in me keeps telling me different. I am sure that this feeling extends from my father and the way that I was raised, but it still hurts me to admit that I need help. I know in the long run that this is a great thing, and I will be able to get back on my feet, so I am happy with the decision… I just wish I would have been able to make it on my own. Let me stop here and again say that I love the Bundy’s. They are my family and I couldn’t imagine life and laughter without them in it, so it’s not all that sad. Not to mention, we picked up Sophie this weekend! She is the most adorable and funny puppy around! Well except for at one in the morning when she starts screaming like a banshee… No, wait… even then she’s cute.

I haven’t written about Steve in a long time, and that has been for a few reasons. First of all, I got really tired of going back and reading how upset and pissed off he was making me. It just wasn’t worth it to me to continue to let him get me upset and so riled up. Secondly, he has pretty much stopped calling, coming around, and communicating in general. This makes me absolutely livid and very sad at the same time. I hate the fact that he is so selfish he can’t see beyond himself and what he wants. Worse than that, is the fact that I have to consistently fib to Jerrod on where his father is and why he can’t see him. I hate Steve for putting me in that position, but worse I feel sad that one day Jerrod will look at his father and not even know who he is. The last reason is just a simple one of I didn’t want to give him any more air time than necessary. Silly, I know, but true. I was sick of reading and hearing about him all the time, so I took him off the page. In fact, the only reason I am writing of him now, is because he is once again proven to me how selfish and immature he really is. Last Tuesday morning, I received an email from him entitled “Don’t know where to start...,” and as usual I was not surprised with the contents of the email. He started off telling me this (taken directly from his email):

“I'm sorry for everything I have done to you and to Jerrod over the past year and a half… either of you deserve what I have done to either of you. I have gone from being a bad husband to being a bad father. To be neither a husband nor a father. We've all been waiting for it to happen and it has, I have hit rock bottom. So far on the bottom that I don't know how to climb out of it. Ive been so depressed this past year that its not even funny.” And then went on to this: “I'm leaving. I'll be leaving for VA on Thursday morning at 6am.” That’s it… No I want to see my son before I leave, in fact what he had to say was that he couldn't see Jerrod before he left and he didn’t know when he was going to get back down to see him. But, that he is coming down in March to go to his best friend’s wedding, yet even then he wouldn’t be able to see his son then because of the wedding. Eh… oh well, he is the one that will have to answer the questions one day about why he didn’t have anything to do with his son’s life. Enough about that… I am starting to get pissed all over again.

Moving on to Carl, remember him? He is the ‘boyfriend’ if you can call him that. This man is the most confusing person I have ever met. We have been ‘dating,’ if you can call it that, since the beginning of January. In that month we have seen each other once and we talk on the phone every three or four days. He is a good guy, I just don’t think he knows how to date someone. Not to mention, he has never dated anyone with kids so that kind of makes it more difficult. Still… I ask you, what is the point in ‘dating’ someone when you never call, and don’t make time to spend with them? Honestly, it’s pointless, or at least in my opinion it is. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a lot of free time either, but at least I make the effort to call and try to make plans. He just calls when he feels like it… yeah my ESPN (*Bonus points if you can name one of the movies the ESPN gag comes from*) is telling me that this relationship will not last much longer. Oh well, it was nice, good, weird, yeah that’s it, while it lasted.

Well, there is a slight update… there is more, but I am just too exhausted to talk about it right now. Hopefully I will be back sooner than later this time… *muah*

**Update- It is now Wednesday February 7th. It has been six days since Steve has left town and I found out this morning that he has already gotten back with his ex-girlfriend, Samantha (didn't take long did it?). I am truly not upset about this, what I am upset about is the comment he left her of "I can't wait to see the look on your Mom's face when I come to pick up Savannah." Who is Savannah you ask... well it's Samantha's daughter. That's right, not even his child and he is going to pick her and spend time with her, when he can't even call his BIOLOGICAL son and talk to him, let alone ever see him. WTF?!?!? I am happy that he is back with Samantha, maybe she can deal with the bull-shit that comes along with being in a relationship with him, truly I am. But why does Jerrod have to suffer with no having a 'father,' when his 'daddy' is running around with a child that is not even his but has had more to do with than him? (By the way, none of this probably makes any sense, but I am a little pissed and just needed to get it out there somewhere.)