Diary of a Perfectly Unperfect Mom

Information of the old and new

2007-10-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Well for the two or three of you that still read this, though I wonder why as I am such a bad blogger, here is an update of the last month of my life.

Jerrod: Well, he made it to four, much to the surprise of me and probably him. The magic age of four has not brought him out of any of the 'terrible' phases; just given him more reason to say that he is a big boy now. Other than that, I finally got him to hit 35 pounds... it only took me right at four years. I don't understand where he gets the great metabolism from, but I hope he keeps it. He has entered a new phase though. I am sure all of you parents can attest to the 'Why?' phase. Yes, we have reached it and made me wonder 'why' there are some many things in life that are confusing. You never think about everyday things until a four year old points it out and asks why. Being the parent you of course start to answer, only to find yourself dumbfounded as you can not remember yourself why it is that way. There are many mornings as we drive the hour to school and work that I ask myself how I became an adult seeing as how I can't even remember why the four way stop goes in rotation for turns and who gets to go first. (And yes, that was an actual question out of his mouth.) Hopefully all of the things that I am telling him are going in one ear and out the other, and eventually he will learn the real way things are supposed to be and not his mother's recollection.

The job: It is still going well. The girl that is selling her house is still there, and still waiting for the house to sell. But, I think that I am making a good impression and convincing my boss that I am definitely the person for the job. Here's to hoping anyway. I am keeping my options open though, and have applied for a few other jobs locally. They all pay more than what I am making, but are not the exact industry that I want to be in. Either way, where I am now has its pay offs even if the money isn't all that great. As of today, I established myself as a patient for one of the PA's in the office. It's actually the same one that Peg has seen and feels so comfortable with. I must admit that I almost gave myself a panic attack... ok I did give myself a panic attack before going into work today, and then again before going to the actual appointment. Over the past few years my anxiety has grown to a point that at times I don't feel like I can deal with it. I know it has a lot to do with my past and everything that I went through in recent years also, but until recently I hadn’t really come to terms with it. Thanks to Peg and a looming birthday of my own, AJ’s and also Jerrod’s a lot of things hit me at one time. Throw Steve into that mix and it was just a breakdown waiting to happen. As always, Pegs came to my rescue… well her and about a dozen glass bottles. (Don’t ask, don’t tell… lol) I have hopefully started on my way to recovery or at least learning a way to deal with it all in a more healthy way. Well that and the fact that my new doc has put me on anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety pills and also recommended that I put myself into therapy. I am along for the ride, and can only hope that I come out of this with a better perspective than what I have now.

The new beau: As I am sure you have all seen on Peg’s blog, there is a new man in my life. We shall just call him Beau and he is not only adorable, but funny and sweet. While he may be a little on the child like and hyper side, I really enjoy being around him. We actually have quite a bit in common, and not surprisingly, even went to a few of the same schools at the same time. Although we don’t remember each other, it was odd and funny to find it out. I like him a lot and can only hope that we can continue to get to know one another. I am taking it one day at a time, not getting too involved too quickly and definitely trying not to get too emotionally involved too quickly. Although I do enjoy being around him and spending time with him, I have been burned too much in the past to jump into anything too quickly. Not to mention, I am still working on me and that is more important than a relationship, no matter how good it feels to know that I have a man in my life that enjoys being around me as much as I enjoy being around him. It also doesn’t hurt that he is not hard to look at!

As always, thanks for tuning in and your words of support. I will be back in another month or so with another update I am sure. Hope all is well with all of you… *muah*

Strength in Numbers

2007-09-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!

~Amanda Bradley

(Marci, H.P., Peg, Ya-Ya (Peg's Mom))

Updates.... and of course more promises.. lol

2007-09-10T15:41:00.001-07:00

Hello to all, I don't really know that many of you still read this but if you do here are some updates. I have had a lot going on in my life in the last month or so and have hardly had the time to breathe, let alone blog about it all. As I predicted in my last post, the job didn't last. What I didn't mention in the last post, was that I had been warned before taking the job, that the girls I were going to be working with were not verry east to get a long with. I should have paid a little more attention to that warning, because I was thrown under the bus to take a fall that was not my fault. Needless to say, I was let go. It was definitly a blow, but I have another job. I have to say, although the money sucks, the job is good. I like everyone that I work with and get respect when deserved. That means a lot to me, as I am usually the one that goes out of my way to do things that are not nesscarilly apart of my job, but I know that need to be done. Don't get me wrong I don't look for the accalades, but it is nice to know that what I have done has been noticed. Cross your fingers for me that this one will last a while.

Jerrod is Jerrod. Nothing to much has changed with him. Well, let me take that back... one major change has been made. We are FINALLY POTTY TRAINED!! YAY!! Fully and completely! He has only had one accident in the past three months! I am so proud of him, yet at the same time, it's a little blow too. He's growing up more and more, and not only can I not stop it, but there are people that have missed the past two years with him and can't replace all these accomplishments he's made. Those are the ones I feel sorry for. I am sad that he is growing up, but at least I have these memories to look back upon and remember the way he was.

As you can probably see from that statement above... there has been no change to the Steve situation. He is still non-existant. And to be honest with you, I am over it. I am over letting it hurt me, over being pissed and upset about it, and definatly over trying to get him to be involved. As I have said, and now believe in, he is the one that is going to have to answer to all the missed times and years in the end, not me.

I do have some semi good news about my ever so lonely love life. I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much, but I have found a really sweet guy. I think there is something there, and hope that it works out. He's adorable, funny, sweet, romantic, and understanding. Not to mention a very good kisser. >big smiles<

I am hoping that September is going to be my turning point. I have made a lot of new decisions this month and let go of a lot of old ones. Thanks to Pegs (and a few others), I think I really might be able to turn over this leaf and keep it over this time. I have learned a little bit about me in the past week or so, and am going to try my damndest to keep going with it and keep the promises I have made. Not only to a few very special people, but mostly to myself.

Hope this finds everyone doing well!! Now that I am on a more steady schedule and things are starting to relax again, I am going to try to update more often. Yeah, yeah I know.. I have said it all before, but here's to hoping. :)

So here I am...

2007-07-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I am alive and I am here... for a moment or two anyway. As Peg has been so nice to tell all of you, I started a new job and things have been... to say the least... hectic. I have to give Pegs and Al a lot thank yous! They have been a lot of help to me with all of the wild hours I have been working. I would love to tell all of you that I am loving the new job, but I can't. I don't exactly hate it, but it's far from the happiness I felt with my old job. First of all, I am back at the bottom (Read: Non-existent to anyone) of the food chain. That wouldn't generally bother me, or wouldn't have in the past anyway, but I am of a certain age now and at a point in my life that I thought I would be a little higher in my career. Not to mention the fact that for the last few years I was the boss. The one with decision making power, a true say so in how the business was to be run, and very valued opinion on that business. To now be just another faceless person in a new place and have no say so in anything that has anything to do with my place in this business or the business is something to get used to. To make a long story short, it's a job and it gives me somewhat of a paycheck, but I am still keeping my eyes and ears open for something else.

Jerrod is still Jerrod, 3 and a half going on 30. Though I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he comes by a lot of his attitude naturally, I think a lot of it also has to do with that in his almost four years of life he has had a lot of changes. I mean he started off with both parents in the same household. Granted, as I have said before, Steve was never a part of his life unless it was a convenience to him or made him look good in some way, but at least his 'father' was still around. He was always home with one of us. Then to go to being with one parent or the either, to finally just one parent all the time and never seeing the other. Now, not only does he never see nor hear from Steve, he is living with three other people. I would think that has some kind of effect on him.

Me... well... I am me. Nothing really new to report. There are no new interests or boyfriends. I am living each day, just trying to survive. Some days are good and some days aren't so good. But I am here. Somewhere here anyway. I would say that I will try to get more updates on here, but I won't say that... probably because I won't do it. But I will try to get back from time to time. I hope all of you are doing well! By the way, though I am not writing I am still reading your blogs! I do promise that. Take care until next time... *muah*

Something to Tide You Over

2007-06-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

Marci's still doing well, I just don't think she's been inspired to write anything lately.

Here is a pic I took of Jarrod during our Mardi Gras parade a few months ago.

Hey!

2007-06-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll this is Peg.

No Marci hasn't fallen off the face of the Earth, she's still hanging in there.

She started her new job and she comes home feeling "drained" every day. (ask her why)

Jarrod is doing well....ok....Jarrod is doing.........ummm........Jarrod is Jarrod. He's a rambuncious three year old little boy. His purpose in life right now is to see how many times he can make us say "Dammit Jarrod!" in a 24 hour time frame.

Marci still hasn't found anyone to fall in love with yet, but there are a couple on the horizon so keep your fingers crossed!!

Leave her some love in the barren wasteland that is her Comments section so she'll feel like blogging again!!!!!!

She lives, not to be confuse with 'She Bangs'

2007-04-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I am alive. I'm sorry I haven't been around! Between Jerrod getting sick, all the job interviews I have been going on, and the weekend adventures the Bundy's and I have been taking I haven't sat down and written anything in a while. So, here I am with an update... it might be long so be prepared.

Since the last time I wrote anything, I officially lost my job. It's still sad to me, but there's nothing I can really do about it. Regardless of how imperial I happen to think I am, I am the most expendable position there. Yes, I might keep the bills paid and the money coming in, but if it wasn't for the other guys there would be no bills or money to bring in. I have been to numerous job interviews and feel confident that I will find something soon. I was actually offered a job that starts next Monday. It's a great job, don't get me wrong, but I don't know that it can become a permanent thing with me and the situation I am in. The job is an office management/data entry position with one of our local blood banks, but the hours are crazy. One day I could go in at 4 am and not get off until 7 or 8 pm, and then the next day work a regular 8-5 shift. It's a wonderful opportunity and I am stoked that I was one they choose, I just worry that I would never get to see Jerrod and relying on the people that are going to have to help me with him is going to get hard for me. We will see though, because I am going to try it until I can either work these issues out or find something else.

As for Jerrod, he is good... now. Last week I got a call from his day care saying that he had a rash that started on his chest and back then went down to his legs. Needless to say he had appointment with the doctor's the first thing the next morning. Did you know that having Strep throat will sometimes present itself in the form of a rash and fever? Yeah, me either. (Although, after speaking with my mother to tell her what he had been diagnosed with she informed me that myself and my aunt both carry a rash when we have had Strep... apparently it runs in the family.) But, that's what it was. We are now on day 5 of antibiotics and finally back in school and so far so good. Other than that, I have recently found out what a flirt and heartbreaker my son is. I will start with the pictures Peg, Al, and I had made of the kids. We all know that we each feel that our child/children is/are the most adorable in the world, and I am no different. To me, my son is not only adorable, but handsome as well. Not to mention the pride I have in Kelly; she is a beautiful and adorable girl. So of course when we go to have pictures made (See picture further down) we expected to have the photographer to fall all over them, and they did, but it was at this point that my son for the first time expressed his flirtatious abilities and ‘Mr. Personality’ ways. He told the photographer that she was cute and continued to flirt throughout all of the pictures. Every time we go to a store or a drive-thru he has to make sure that he has the undivided attention of the checkout girl or attendant. (Yes, this is only with women/girls, he will only wave and say hi to the guys.) Tonight at a locally owned restaurant he boldly, and not to mention loudly, told our waitress that she was his ‘Girl,’ and continued this throughout the dinner. I will let you draw your own conclusion from what I have said, and the fact that last week as I picked him up from daycare, I was told that he must come from an affectionate family. As I pondered this and asked them what they meant, they told me that he had kissed not one, but two girls that day. Oh the fun I have to look forward to.

How adorable can two kids be??!?! (What? I warned you I was biast.)

As for everything else, it’s still pretty much the same. Steve is still as non-existent as my love life. Life with the Bundy’s is still better than I could have imagined and going well. Well except for the camping trip I was treated to a couple of weekends ago. Let me just say this, I LOVE camping. I always have, and I look for opportunities to go when I can. I am going to let Peg explain the experience itself, but I will tell you one thing. If you decide spur of the moment that camping sounds like a fun idea for a night with no kids, make sure you have everything you need. That’s all I’m saying.

Hope all of you are well!! I promise I will get around to reading and catching up with all of you! Thank you for those that left me sweet messages of concern and encouragement! This is normally where I would say that I am going to try to keep up with this better, but I am not going to do that this time. Maybe that will make it more likely to happen. J

Till next time… *muah*

What Goes Around...

2007-04-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

Hey all! I am still here. First of all let me say thank you for all the kind words I have received. Secondly, I guess you are all wondering what is going on, huh? Well, I was surprisingly told on Thursday morning that the company I work for will be closing it's doors in the near future. I knew that the company wasn't doing all that well, but I was not under the impression that it was that close to going under. I love my job, I really do. I have a great boss, great peers, and flexibility. Granted I don't make all that much, there is no insurance, or paid days off, I love (Read: I HEART MY JOB!) it as is. I am given credit when credit is due, my opinions are valued and sought after, and I get to tell a bunch of grown ass men what to do all day long. I was actually very lucky to get the job. I originally started out with a different company that shared an office with the company I am with now. The owner, who would become my now boss, was impressed with my knowledge and adaptability, how I quickly changed the way the other company was running to a more efficient way, and my quick wit. He eventually came to me and asked me to join him and become his secretary. Of course my response was: "I'm not a secretary. I, for what you want me to do for you and your business, am an Office Manager." Of course that just sealed the deal, he loved that I spoke my mind and was honest, with a good humor to boot. In the beginning it was just me and him, over time we brought on five more employees. Like I said, I knew we weren't doing good, but what 'new' company does in the first two years? Well as of next Friday, I will no longer be working for him, nor his company. I am extremely sad about this. More than I am willing to show him at the moment for fear of upsetting him. But what I have found out over the last few days is that when he has spoken with a few of the companies here in town that we deal with on a regular basis they have all asked about me. Apparently an Office Manager that knows what they are doing, has stability and is willing to actually do their job is a rarity here in Paradise. Not to mention that they have been continually impressed with me and my work ethic over the last few years we have all worked together. Yay me! That made me feel that while I do sometimes loathe certain aspects of my job, I am doing a good job at what I do! It hasn't all been in vain! So keep me in your thoughts that I get another job before I have to leave my beloved company that I am with now! I will keep you updated as I am in the know.

PS- Next post I will update you all on the divorce and lawyer situation! Bet you all can't wait!! He he he

It's that time

2007-04-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll this is Peg, it's not my place to say what's going on right now, but I thought you all need to know...Marci needs lots of love and support right now.

So show her some love, okay!!

It's Meme time

2007-04-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

I found this Meme on a random blog and thought it was different and interesting. You can tag as many or as little people as you like. I am choosing four that I think their answer would be not only hilarious, but interesting as well. So... Peg, Deb (Fresh Air Lover), Queenie (Queen of Mayhem), and Mist 1 (To do: 1. Get Hobby; 2. Floss) show me what you got!

LIST FOUR SENTENCES YOU'VE NEVER SAID BEFORE:
1) Wow! Snakes on a Plane was a great movie!
2) I'm so glad I'm broke.
3) I love Sanjaya!
4) I hate reality T.V. (Sad... yes, I know.)

LIST ANY (AT LEAST FOUR) NUMBER OF SONG TITLES THAT DESCRIBE HOW YOU'VE FELT THIS WEEK:
1) Beautiful Disaster, Kelly Clarkson
2) You Deserve Much Better Than Me, Hinder
3) U + Ur Hand, Pink
4) What this Woman Needs, SHeDaisy

IMAGINE YOU'RE HAVING THE IDEAL PERFECT DAY. WHAT FOUR THINGS WOULD YOU BE DOING?
1) Sleeping in late.
2) Driving to the river with the windows and sunroof down and the music blasting.
3) Going in the canoe with the gang (minus the kids, hey everyone needs a day off).
4) Completely relaxing, sipping on fruity drinks, talking and singing at the top of our lungs, and watching the sunset. (No one ever accused me of being high maintenance.)

MAKE UP FIVE CREATIVE NAMES FOR A NEW ROCK BAND:
1) Chaotic Rebels
2) Faw-q
3) The Snoring Fingers (LMAO... story behind that one.)
4) Reign of Innocence
5) That Other Band

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET TO GO BACK IN TIME AND ENSURE THAT THREE SONGS WERE NEVER WRITTEN, THUS SPARING HUMANITY FROM EVER HAVING TO HEAR THEM. WHAT THREE SONGS WOULD GET THE AXE?
1) Livin' La Vida Loca, Ricky Martin
2) Macerena, some foreign group
3) Barbie Girl, Aqua
(There is so many more, but it said only three! Sorry world!)

***Update: Doh, I'm such an idiot! I meant to tag VB (Virginia Belle) also, she was the main one I thought about when I was tagging! Sorry VB! Have fun everyone, and let me know if you guys do this so I can link to you! *muah*

Men vs..... Me

2007-04-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have a beautiful face. Yes, I have an outstanding personality. Yes, I have a sex drive like you wouldn’t believe. Yes, I also have a sense of humor that is admired by many. So why is that when you see or experience all of these qualities you like what I am, yet when I tell you or you find out that I am a ‘thick’ girl I am no longer good enough for you?

I will never understand that. I will never understand that while I have beautiful features, glowing personality, and a sense of humor that I am not good enough for 85% of the population of men. Aren’t these the qualities that men supposedly look for in a woman? Or is it what they just tell us they look for? I am thinking it is the latter. According to three articles I have read recently, there are seven important things that a guys looks for:

1. Men want a fun and exciting companion.

2. Men want great sex (consistent, frequent, and passionate lovemaking score high with men).

3. Men want to share meals with their woman companion (especially when she cooks for him).

4. Men want you to support them in their work and boost their confidence.

5. Men want you to look great, keep in shape, and express confidence about your body.

6. Men want you to listen to them and treat them with respect.

7. Men need private time, to unwind, to engage in sports and hobbies, and to spend time with other men.

My take on the seven:

1. Out of all of my girlfriends, I am the only I know that is willing to get dirty in the woods, camp without a ‘bathroom’, try things like sky diving, and go to live sporting events. To me that would all qualify as fun and exciting.

2. As I have said before, and will continue to say, I am a sex goddess. Yes, I know that might sound a little cocky or conceited, but when you are good at something you can’t help but be that way. Not only do I have the sex drive of an 15 pubescent teenage boy, but I am tri-sexual… or in lamen’s terms, I am willing to ‘try’ anything once. What can I say? I love sex, period.

3. Ok, I will admit this is not one of my strong points. Granted I love food, but anyone that knows me knows that I cook only three or four things well. And two out of those four would not make a good meal. But I would be more than willing to try and learn if I had the gumption to. To be honest, there is only one thing I make extremely well…. Reservations!

4. This is where one of my main downfalls lands. I am supportive of not only my beau’s career and activities, but also of him. In every aspect of his life, almost to a fault. I have been known to downplay my wants or needs to make my man feel good about things that might be going in his life. Don’t take this wrong, I am not a puppy dog nor do I give up my life, but I do make sure they know what they mean to me and that they are doing great in whatever it is they are doing.

5. Now granted that we all know that I am a ‘bigger’ girl, I have confidence like you wouldn’t believe. There are a few things on my body that I am not comfortable with, but I don’t let that come across all that often. Even though I am a bigger girl, I am not one of the ones you see running around in daisy dukes and tube tops. I know how to dress fashionably and sexy for my size. My theory is just because they happen to make a particular fashion in my size doesn’t mean that I should wear it. (Pay attention ladies… this might come in handy for some of you. You know who you are… )

6. This answer relates to my answer in number four. I love to just listen to people, it is one of my favorite things to do. Not only does it help them in whatever way it is that they need it, but it makes me feel like I am helping and needed. I have yet to figure out if this is a bad thing or not.

7. I am all about my private time or girl’s time, and have always given equal opportunity to my guy with his private or boy’s time. I am a firm believer that you don’t need or have to spend every waking moment with someone for a relationship to work. Hell, there are times in every one’s life where they would kill to have alone time, whether it be from their significant other, child, friends, or family. So why make it a big deal if your man wants some alone time? I have never understood why some women get all uptight about this.

So if you read what men are ‘looking’ for and then read the qualities that I posses based on that, you would think that I would have men lining up at the door, right? Yeah, I would think so too, but that’s not how it is. Why, you may ask. Well, I have yet to figure that out, but my main thought for a reason is that I am not, in any way, shape, or form, your typical girly-girl. I am not a size 2 or even a 12, and probably never will be. I don’t spend hours getting ready or primping, and never will. I am not shy and demure, quite the opposite actually. But I do love myself, 99% of the time anyway. I take care of myself, and dress the part when the time is right, or if I simply feel like it. I am quite outgoing and love to have fun, even if it is at my expense. So, why does the fact that I am bigger girl scare men away? I’m still me, that’s never going to change, why can’t they just accept that?

Ha ha ha, I'm so funny.... At times.

2007-03-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

I have a myspace page. It's not a big secret, I have talked about it before. I mainly use it to stay in touch with friends from high school or friends in general that no longer live in the area, though I must admit that sometimes I use it to keep my self from falling asleep do to boredom. Today was one of those days... about once a week or so I go through all of the bulletins. I read all the funny or stupid jokes that people post, and from time to time I fill out a survey or two. Well, today was one of those days. It is Monday, and everyone is where they are supposed to be here at work and I have caught up on all the work I had sitting around. I logged onto my myspace and started reading some of the bulletins. I noticed one labeled 'Can you answer 27 questions about your #1 friend?' If you don't know anything about myspace (That is if you have been under a rock for the past year or so.. lol), you have a friends list that you can put the people you choose to show off on. Of course being the loving friend that I am, Peg is my number one spot. So I decided to fill it out.

Here is the survey and my answers:

1) What's this person’s name?
Pegs

2) Do you trust them?
With everything

3) Where did you meet them?
Tom Thumb.. lol

4) How old were you when you first met them?
20

5) Is this person one of your best friends?
Yes'm she is

7) Is this person older than you?
No, I'm older by 8 months

8) When was the last time you saw this person?
About an hour ago at lunch

9) Do you miss them?
Not at the moment.. but I did this past weekend.

10) Are you related to this person?
Not by blood, but in heart yes

12) Do you have nicknames for this person?
Yep... Pegs or Baby Girl

13) Is that person bringing sexy back?
Hell yeah! LOL

14.) Do you think this person will repost this?
Maybe, if she is as bored at work as I am

15) Could you live with this person?
I do

16) Why is this person #1 on your top friends?
Becuase she is my sis and I love her!

17) Have you seen this person cry?
Many times..

18) Do you know this persons middle name?
Sure do.. oh, you want to know? Nah, you will have to ask her about that.. I happen to value you my life thank you. :D

19) Do you two do everything together?
Generally.. lol

20) Doing anything tonight?
Nothing more than usual I am sure..

21) If so, what?
Maybe play volleyball.. lol

24) Does this person have a bf/gf?
No, but she has her husband

25) Can this person drive?
Well that's a difficult question... she has her liscence but that doesn't mean she can drive per say.. lol

26)Do you love this person?
With everything I am! *muah*

Not bad right? Yeah, I didn't think so... but I messaged her and this is the conversation that followed...

Me: i'm so funny.. ok well at times anyway. lol

Peg: what'd you do

Me: survey about my number one.. which is you..

Me: 18) Do you know this persons middle name?
Sure do.. oh, you want to know? Nah, you will have to ask her about that.. I happen to value you my life thank you.

Peg: lmao

Me: 25) Can this person drive? Well that's a difficult question... she has her liscence but that doesn't mean she can drive per say.. lol

Peg: asshole

Me: lmao

I don't think she found as much humor in that as I did.. he he he he. Good thing she loves me! Trust me, I keep reminding her of that! :D

Here me is!

2007-03-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

I am back... although not for any lengthy post. I have a lot to share, and I promise I will when I have the time! For now though, Pegs and I found this little challenge over at Pink Shoe Diaries. We thought it looked fun so of course we did it too!

Challenge: Put together a cute ensemble for a party, for under $50.00. It must include at least clothes and shoes but if you want to try for a matching handbag and jewelry like she did then by all means do it!

Here is my ensemble:

Dress from Old Navy- $32.50

Shoes from Payless- $9.99 (Adorable!)

Necklace from Claire's Accessories- $6.50 (So cute isn't it!!?!)

Total for all- $48.99

Yay! I did it!! And I happen to think it's a pretty cute outfit! If you guys want to do this challenge feel free! Just let me know if you did so I can look at yours!! Until then...

A day in the life...

2007-03-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

Being the emotional train wreck that I tend to be sometimes, do you ever wonder what it would be like to spend a day with me. Well thanks to Peg and Al, and my oh so cute Pink Razr, I am going to give you a little glimpse. Please don’t mistake this one day as a ‘typical’ day, but it is one that tends to happen from time to time. Yesterday my mom picked up Jerrod for some quality Nona and Jerrod time, and being that it was Kelly’s weekend to be with her womb donor Pegs, Al, and my self were left kid less. It was a great feeling! And probably a very needed break for me, and hell them too. I know what a pain in the ass Jerrod can be from time to time! After much enjoyment of the complete and utter silence and much discussion we decided to all get ready and go to breakfast somewhere. We head out to our local Denny’s, only to find that everyone and their mother in Paradise had decided that they were in the mood for Denny’s also. After very little deliberation of whether we wanted breakfast that badly or not, we headed over to…

It was my first time in Bennegians (FYI: It's kind of like an Irish pub mixed with an American grill), and I must say that although the atmosphere was pretty good, I was not terribly impressed with the food nor service, but I can be pretty picky with that kind of stuff. With that being said, let me explain the interesting points of this experience. As we first walk in the door to be seated, this woman (whom I can only assume was a manager of some sorts) greets us and then looks directly at my chest and says ‘Looks like you have been in the sun, you have a slight redness on your chest. It’s such a beautiful day isn’t it?’ Of course I ask myself, why was she looking at me chest? Eh… oh well. As we sit down the crazy, I mean the waitress comes over and one of the first things out of her mouth was ‘Wow, I am so glad I finally got some sleep last night!’, why would she tell us this? Again… oh well. We all decide that yes, even though it is barely noon, we need a drink. Al gets a Guinness, I get a daiquiri (which was absolutely disgusting, because the mix had soured… needless to say it was sent back), and Peg gets this…

Pretty isn’t it? It’s called a Barney Blast, or something to that effect. It is a combination of Peach Vodka, Mango Vodka, and Blue Caraco, blended together like a daiquiri. Needless to say Peg LOVED it. So much in fact that she had two! I love my girl, really I do, but alcohol is not her strong suit. At that point we decided we better get some food. Everything was great, but what was even better was what I had for dessert. It was some kind of chocolate, caramel, vanilla ice cream, warm brownies, and whip cream thing. I really couldn’t tell you, because after the first bite I was too concerned with eating it to tell you what all I was eating…. It was literally sex in a bowl. You have got to try one!

After lunch, Pegs and I wanted to go for a pedicure. It has been forever since I had one, not to mention I have never had the ‘Spa Treatment’ kind. (Oh so hooked on those from now on!!) We convinced (connived, pushed, threatened, flat out told him) Al that he wanted to get his feet done too. People, I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my life as I did for the 30 to 45 minutes we were there. Not only did they have to shave off about a pound of dead skin, but he got the most beautiful… well just see for your selves.

Yes, Al.. I realize that at some point you are either going to kill me or I will be walking around with 'Sinep Evol I' or some other ridiculous saying, somewhere on me, but I think I have some to the conclusion that it might be worth it.

It's kind of hard to tell by this picture, but he actually got a french paint and even a beautiful flower to accent it. It really is quite adorable.

So there you go people, a day in the life of me. Not all that interesting most of the time, but dayum does it have it's moments!! Oh what I wouldn't give to relive that day over! *muah*

I didn't mean for you to get hurt...

2007-02-28T13:45:00.000-08:00

This is probably not going to make all that much sense, or really be all that interesting to anyone but me, but I am doing it anyway. Do you ever just have so much to say or do that you need to write it all down in the hopes that it will alleviate some of the pressure building up into a massive headache? Well, I am having one of those ~~moments~~ ~~days~~ years… yeah that’s it, years. Which to be honest is completely sad as it is only 59 days into 2007. If you haven’t figured out yet, I am on a rampage. I have given warning to those close to me, so as to not make them think it is them, but that everyone else can kiss my big, fat, white ass. At this particular moment I hate:

Steve. I am sure I really don’t need to say much more, but there is oh so much that could be said. Hell, even if I was to tell you two things you would probably begin to understand why I am so pissed.

i. The man is selfish, idiotic, perverted, lazy, and disgusting… not to mention that it has now been one month since he left town and he has yet to make any contact, or even attempt at contacting, with his son. Yet, he is dating his ex before me again, who has a child, and is living at home with his brother who just had a child, you would think seeing those children would remind him that he has one also.

ii. He is letting yet another car get repossessed. How much of a moron do you have to be to have not one, not two, but three cars get repossessed? Let’s not forget that he is not the brightest crayon in the box, because on his application for one of the ‘Buy here, Pay here’ places that he got the car from, he put down his parents names and address with the wrong phone number. So they have tried to call me. Not to mention that he signed for this car in September or October of 2005 and hasn’t made a payment on it since January or February of 2006. When he moved the first time he took it with him, but when he moved back to Paradise in August of last year he left it with his mother, who by the way didn’t make a payment on it either.

iii. One more, just for shits and giggles… I wrote him a letter early this week letting him know that I had finally gotten all the papers done and filled out so that we can finally get this divorce over and done with. I have been exceedingly nice throughout this entire process so as to save my self time, energy, heartache and BS along the way. (Yes, I know… stupid me.) Have I gotten a response? No. We are talking the papers that will include how long, when, and if he gets to see his child. How much and when he owes money for that child. If he owes in money in the arrears for that child also. Not to mentio1n what and how much he owes for the debts he left in both of our names.

iv. I think what annoys me the most about him is that as much as I try to be nice, or not let the things he does upset me, he still gets under my skin. Whether he does them intentionally, which he LOVES to do, or not it all gets to me eventually. I might be ok with the first or even second stupid or selfish thing, but by that third time I am ready to drive to wherever it is he is and … well, I don’t think I need to leave any incriminating evidence incase I actually do it this time, but you all get my point I am sure.

I am in the process of finding out if my cervical cancer is back. This is one of the things that have been going in my life that I haven’t found a way to deal with or tell all of you about. I don’t have a lot of info on the matter, and to be honest with you I haven’t found a way to deal with it or talk about yet. I am just so beyond caring at this moment that I thought why not just tell you all and maybe it might help me to be able to deal with it. The only thing I know is that when I went for a check up on the 16^th, the doctor saw lesions on and around my cervix again. The doctor is worried because the last time that the lesions were found it progressed very quickly. She doesn’t want that to happen again, but it could be anything, or so she said. The lesions could be remnants of the first surgery, scar tissue that has darkened from the first surgery, or the worst it could be the beginnings of cancerous cells again. Either way, she took a scraping of the area and sent it in to be analyzed. I am scheduled to go back on March 9^th for the results and a Colposcopy, which is where they take a biopsy of what is left of my cervix. She wanted to do this regardless of the result of the scraping because she wants to have a better feel for what all is going on in my body and if there is a bigger problem at hand.
I was also told at the same doctor’s appointment that I could, she tried to stress could, be diagnosed with what she called livable depression. The way she explained it to me was that I had a slight case of depression, where the body and mind does fine 75% of the time, but it’s that other 25% that sends me into a tailspin of emotional and physical roller coaster. Sounds like fun doesn’t it? No, not really. (Hey, at least I still have some of my humor left...) She didn’t want to put me on anything at the moment until we get the girly stuff taken care of.

So there you go… everything that has been going on in my life and a few extras rants thrown in for good measure. I can’t promise that my next post will be any time soon or any better for that matter. I know you are all kind and loving people, and you will read this and wish me all the best in the world, so I will say thank you to all of those people here and now. I really do appreciate the kind words and thoughts; I just have to work through this somehow.

Before I go, I want to give a very, very special thank you to two people:

Pegs, without you I don’t know that I would wake up each day with out something positive to think or do. I love you more than words can describe and appreciate all you have and will do for me. You are my sister, period.
Queen… I know that we don’t really know each other, but every time I am going through one of my down periods or even the good ones, you are there with the perfect comment at the perfect time. Thank you so very much, for just being you. It means a lot.

Title is a quote from Gwen Stefani's "The Sweet Escape."

Time for a Change

2007-02-26T10:45:00.000-08:00

Well, as you can all see I have made some changes to my blog. I thought it was time for an update, as there has been a few changes in my life recently. A few of them I will tell you about, but there are a couple that I am just not ready to talk (Read: deal with) yet. The quote you see in the title box comes from a couple of different quotes I have seen online with a couple additions of my own. All in all I think it rings pretty true to my life in the past and right now. I am not perfect nor do I think I want to be. I think being unperfect gives me my own identity and reason.

As you all know I moved in with Peg and Al at the end of January. It was something I did for a few reasons, but mainly because I couldn't afford to live on my own, take care of Jerrod and feed us both all at the same time. I know what I did was the right choice, but being independent and stubborn like I am, it has still been a little hard to swallow. The Bundy's have been more than supportive of me, in the past and now, and I couldn't appreciate what all they have done more, but it's still hard to admit that you need help. Over all we have adjusted to being there. Kelly and Jerrod are enjoying each other and not being the only child anymore, OK... well mostly they are enjoying it. I do like that I now have consistent help with Jerrod and that I don't have to be the only person in the house anymore. Thankfully we all get along, well 90% of the time, and love each other.

As for everything else going on, Jerrod is doing good, Steve hasn't made an appearance, phone call, or any other type of communication since the last time, and Carl... well, not really sure what's going on there. I will write about the other things when I have come to grips with them, but I should be back later in the week. Hopefully, I will have something a little more interesting to talk about. Until then... *muah*

I'll be Bachk... Yes, I know I am a dork :)

2007-02-20T09:38:00.000-08:00

I am taking a leave of absence. I don’t know how long I will be gone, but I thought it fair to tell you that I will probably not be updating this all that often. I have a lot going on in my personal life and a fear that I have a lot of hard decisions coming my way very soon. I will try to continue to read as many of your blogs, and comment, as I can. Sometimes, you just can’t talk for yourself… Hope you are all well and happy!! I hope to be back sooner rather than later… Take care, and until next time… *muah*

Valentine's, Breakups, and Drownings...

2007-02-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day! Mine was uneventful, but nice. My loving friends, Peg and Al, both gave me a valentine which was very nice! Instead of going on dates or someone being left alone on Valentine's, we all went to Peg's parent's house for dinner. Which I have to say was absolutely d to the e to the licious! (Thank you Fergie for teaching me how to spell that. Or am I the only one that has noticed that she has put her 'Speak -N- Spell' to good use?) Over all it was a great day... well except for the aggravating letter I got from Steve. I am not ready to talk about that one yet, but I will eventually.

I think I am on the break up path with Carl. Don't get me wrong, he is a good guy and all but there are many factors about him/the relationship that are difficult. First of all, he tends to annoy the piss out of me. To be perfectly honest, I can't even tell you why the things that he does annoy me, they just do. He tends to be sexual in a lot of the texts that he sends, well I take that back... he used to be that way until I asked him to stop. He has a problem with being a little over affectionate when we are together. I am not talking about kissing or touching, which he does often, but the constant touching and groping. I swear it's like being in high school all over again. Yet, I think the most difficult thing is the distance between us. It's not like we are that far apart, but we are a good 45 minutes to an hour from each other. Normally this wouldn't be that big of a deal, but with me having Jerrod and him having two jobs it makes it difficult to see each other. Not to mention, coordinating schedules to spend time together. Eh... we will see I suppose, but I honestly feel it starting to fall apart.

Touching on my next subject, I have to first curse Pegs for getting me attached to this one. I have recently become a fan of Grey's Anatomy. For any of you who haven't seen it, you really need to try it out. It is not the soap opera drama I thought it would be, although it does have it's tendencies. For those of you who are fans, how do you feel about the Meredith situation? Can they honestly get rid of the main character? I mean what would it be called then? Yang's Anatomy? Izzy's Anatomy? O'Malley Anatomy? (That's my personal fave, although it does make it sound like a comedy...) I don't know if the show could handle losing it's main character like that... Not to mention I would be one pissed off little girl!! Though, I wouldn't be quite as angry and upset as Pegs. Guys and girls, if you know me then you have probably read some of Peg's stuff. The girl is my heart, but she can be a little hotheaded and crazy at times. To prove my point, below is a part of the conversation we had after the show. Oh, and go read her take on the whole situation at her blog.

Me: WTF!?? They can't get rid of Meredith...

Pegs: They can't get rid of her... it's her show. I am f**king pissed.

Al: Hey, they could call it Yang's Anatomy

Me: I doubt they will get rid of her

P: She was dead. She saw Denny and that bomber guy.

A: Yeah, that's true Marc

M: Yeah, but they could tell her it's not her time and send her back like they do in all those white light shows or something.

P: You better hope so. I am pissed. Someone call ABC and tell them they can't do this!

A: Where is that? New York City?

P: Yes.

M: What are you doing Al?

A: I am calling 411 for the number.

**None of this is a joke. He actually called 411 and got the number for ABC Studios on 66th Ave in New York. **

A: (Message left on Grey's Anatomy comment line) You can't kill of Meredith. You just can't. My wife would cause holy hell if you were to kill Meredith's character and change the show. So, please don't get rid of Meredith. You just can't do it. I am telling you my wife would just go crazy. Thank you.

M: (Laughing my head off) OMG... tell me you just didn't do that?!?

P: Thank you Al. You have proven your love to me once again! Yes, I am spoiled.

M: That's great.

A: Well, I had to do something...

P: If they change the show, I am cancelling cable in the house for one year. That's how long it will take me to get over it.

M:Whoa, hold up sister. That's a little crazy...

A: Yeah, you can't get rid of cable... what about Desperate Housewives?

P: Oh... well.. I will just ban anyone from watching ABC except on Sunday nights.

Yes, this was a real conversation had... I couldn't make that shit up if I tried!! Until next time kiddos... *muah*

Finally... Updated

2007-02-06T07:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s finally happened. I am a full fledged member of the Bundy household. I finished to moving this past weekend, turned in the keys to my place, and unpacked everything as of last night. It’s a both a happy and sad feeling that I feel. I am so amazed by the love and support that both Peggy and Al have extended to me, yet it is still saddening to me that I had to have that help and support offered to me. Everyone keeps telling me that it is not a defeat that I needed help or that I took it, but somewhere in me keeps telling me different. I am sure that this feeling extends from my father and the way that I was raised, but it still hurts me to admit that I need help. I know in the long run that this is a great thing, and I will be able to get back on my feet, so I am happy with the decision… I just wish I would have been able to make it on my own. Let me stop here and again say that I love the Bundy’s. They are my family and I couldn’t imagine life and laughter without them in it, so it’s not all that sad. Not to mention, we picked up Sophie this weekend! She is the most adorable and funny puppy around! Well except for at one in the morning when she starts screaming like a banshee… No, wait… even then she’s cute.

I haven’t written about Steve in a long time, and that has been for a few reasons. First of all, I got really tired of going back and reading how upset and pissed off he was making me. It just wasn’t worth it to me to continue to let him get me upset and so riled up. Secondly, he has pretty much stopped calling, coming around, and communicating in general. This makes me absolutely livid and very sad at the same time. I hate the fact that he is so selfish he can’t see beyond himself and what he wants. Worse than that, is the fact that I have to consistently fib to Jerrod on where his father is and why he can’t see him. I hate Steve for putting me in that position, but worse I feel sad that one day Jerrod will look at his father and not even know who he is. The last reason is just a simple one of I didn’t want to give him any more air time than necessary. Silly, I know, but true. I was sick of reading and hearing about him all the time, so I took him off the page. In fact, the only reason I am writing of him now, is because he is once again proven to me how selfish and immature he really is. Last Tuesday morning, I received an email from him entitled “Don’t know where to start...,” and as usual I was not surprised with the contents of the email. He started off telling me this (taken directly from his email):

“I'm sorry for everything I have done to you and to Jerrod over the past year and a half… either of you deserve what I have done to either of you. I have gone from being a bad husband to being a bad father. To be neither a husband nor a father. We've all been waiting for it to happen and it has, I have hit rock bottom. So far on the bottom that I don't know how to climb out of it. Ive been so depressed this past year that its not even funny.” And then went on to this: “I'm leaving. I'll be leaving for VA on Thursday morning at 6am.” That’s it… No I want to see my son before I leave, in fact what he had to say was that he couldn't see Jerrod before he left and he didn’t know when he was going to get back down to see him. But, that he is coming down in March to go to his best friend’s wedding, yet even then he wouldn’t be able to see his son then because of the wedding. Eh… oh well, he is the one that will have to answer the questions one day about why he didn’t have anything to do with his son’s life. Enough about that… I am starting to get pissed all over again.

Moving on to Carl, remember him? He is the ‘boyfriend’ if you can call him that. This man is the most confusing person I have ever met. We have been ‘dating,’ if you can call it that, since the beginning of January. In that month we have seen each other once and we talk on the phone every three or four days. He is a good guy, I just don’t think he knows how to date someone. Not to mention, he has never dated anyone with kids so that kind of makes it more difficult. Still… I ask you, what is the point in ‘dating’ someone when you never call, and don’t make time to spend with them? Honestly, it’s pointless, or at least in my opinion it is. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a lot of free time either, but at least I make the effort to call and try to make plans. He just calls when he feels like it… yeah my ESPN (*Bonus points if you can name one of the movies the ESPN gag comes from*) is telling me that this relationship will not last much longer. Oh well, it was ~~nice~~, ~~good~~, weird, yeah that’s it, while it lasted.

Well, there is a slight update… there is more, but I am just too exhausted to talk about it right now. Hopefully I will be back sooner than later this time… *muah*

**Update- It is now Wednesday February 7th. It has been six days since Steve has left town and I found out this morning that he has already gotten back with his ex-girlfriend, Samantha (didn't take long did it?). I am truly not upset about this, what I am upset about is the comment he left her of "I can't wait to see the look on your Mom's face when I come to pick up Savannah." Who is Savannah you ask... well it's Samantha's daughter. That's right, not even his child and he is going to pick her and spend time with her, when he can't even call his BIOLOGICAL son and talk to him, let alone ever see him. WTF?!?!? I am happy that he is back with Samantha, maybe she can deal with the bull-shit that comes along with being in a relationship with him, truly I am. But why does Jerrod have to suffer with no having a 'father,' when his 'daddy' is running around with a child that is not even his but has had more to do with than him? (By the way, none of this probably makes any sense, but I am a little pissed and just needed to get it out there somewhere.)

As if I wasn't already obsessed enough...

2007-01-31T07:37:00.000-08:00

Good God... Has anyone besides me seen the new pictures of Daniel Radcliffe (the kid who plays Harry Potter)? I think I piddled myself a little when I saw them... Here you take a look:

As if I wasn't already waiting on pins and needles for not only the next movie, but the last book as well. Now you want to go and throw out these H.O.T.T. new pics. *Yes, I do realize that I am an adult with a child of my own, with a somewhat unhealthy obsession with a kid's movie and book series... LET ME BE PEOPLE. :)* Now, please excuse me while I go clean the drool off my face and desk. Enjoy!

5 Random Facts

2007-01-25T06:32:00.000-08:00

Okay I was tagged by The Rantings of Deb So this too shall be fun!! 5 Facts...

**Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 5 facts about yourself. Then choose 4 people you want to tag and list their names. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they’ve been tagged.**

I love, love, LOVE to sing. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been singing my little heart out. When I was younger I always dreamed of becoming a country singer, but have never followed through. Many family members and friends are always telling me to go to Nashville or American Idol, but I always refuse. I fear that someone will tell me that all the people in my life have just been lying to me all these years. So I will just stick to making all my family, friends, and poor people stuck at a red light with me listen to me sing.
I am very claustrophobic. I'm talking to the point that I will walk my fat ass up 75 flights of stairs before getting into a packed elevator. I keep at least one window rolled down in my car at all times, so that I can feel the fresh air, no matter the weather. Odd, yes I know.
I will never own a mini-van. I despise the things. And to be honest with you, I really don't have a logical reason why.
You will never fine me living in a big city. I am a small town girl. Don't get me wrong, I like to visit the big cities from time but I can never live in one. I am deathly afraid of getting lost.
I am horrified at the thought of being embarrassed. People, listen to me... I close up like a clam at even the thought of something that could even remotely be considered embarrassing to me. It's actually pretty scary how afraid of this I am.

There you go, five random facts about me. I tag:
Pegs
Debbie
Queenie
Jenny

I have another post I am working on. I hope to have it finish today, but it might not get posted until tomorrow. Just give you a heads up, it's very inquisitive and about Carl. Until then... *muah*

The things we do for family....

2007-01-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

As you can tell by the title my family, and the things I do for them, has come into play recently. We all know how near and dear to my heart the Bundy family is. They are my family, my heart, my laughter, and my loves, but sometimes the things I do for them is beyond measure. No, I am not talking about financially or emotionally. I am talking about one of the most dreaded and draining things. Yep, you got it... kid's birthdays. Say it with me... UGH! My beloved goddaughter/niece Kelly turned 7 on Monday, and being that her actual birthday was on a Monday she had her party this past Saturday. Let me tell you, I love this kid. I love her like she was my own and want her to be happy and healthy, so I usually volunteer to help with anything that concerns her, the same as the Bundy's do with Jerrod. So when Pegs told me that they were getting ready for her party and that she wanted a Hawaiian/Beach/Hula themed party I jumped on board to offer any assistance I could. I mean, we are in Paradise, on a well known coast how hard could that be right? HA HA HA, apparently pretty hard. Not only was it like finding a needle in a haystack for Hawaiian themed party favors and decorations, but to find a cake was nearly impossible. Peg being the ever amazing craft person that she is decided that she could do the cake herself. I had all the faith in the world in her, because let's admit... the girl is good guys. The plan for the weekend was to come home Friday, bake the cakes and go ahead and decorate them so that Saturday morning all we had to do was get up, get everyone ready, and go buy the hamburgers, hot dogs, and other miscellaneous items for the cookout. Again I say, that was the plan... here's how it actually went.

Friday afternoon Pegs told me that she wanted me and Al to take the kiddies to dinner and to get a movie so that she could do what she needed to with the cakes without them running around. I said no problem, and leave work to go get the kids and pick up the kitchen so she has all the room she needs. She normally gets off at 5 pm, but at 6 she was still there. She asks me to go ahead and start the cake process. Let me stop here and explain something to you all... I burn water people. I'm not kidding... all the culinary skills in my family went to my brother. I can't cook anything, unless it is microwavable, and even then it's kind of sketchy. What I can do however, is mix things. If it has directions and needs a whisk or beater of some kind, I am your girl. What happens after the mixing is where I get a little weary. I digress... I start putting the mixes together, butter and flour the pans, and pour everything in. Hmm... no one bothered to tell me that you should only fill a pan or muffin tins half way or they won't cook. (Look, I told you I couldn't cook, stop shaking your heads at me.) Needless to say, I ruined both batters and we had to make and emergency call to the local grocery store to see if they had any cakes baked without icing at 6:30 pm on a Friday night. Luckily for us they did. After picking up the cakes, and grabbing some dinner out we proceed back to the house to start the decoration portion of this extravaganza. We had talked about at dinner that Al and I would get the kids bathed and ready for bed while Peg started the icing and such. Al and I did our best to keep the kids quiet and out of her way, which keeps us all in her good graces. Fast forward to about 8:30, 9 o'clock; Pegs starts asking for help. Being the power mixer and color coordinator that I am, she asks me to mix together some colors for the beach, water, and grass skirt portions of the cake. During all of this icing fest people are getting a little contact sugar high and it turns into a sugar induced laugh fest. Here... let me just show you...(Warning: This may induce hysterical laughter and/or snorting. Be careful if eating or drinking.)

This is Peg's tongue. Beautiful isn't it?!?? Notice that the icing has not only affected her tongue, but her teeth as well.

This is Al's tongue. Al's is a combination of gras s skirt gree n icing as well as the aerosol blue spray icing. It's such a gorgeous shade of teal, isn't it?!?

This is my tongue. It's not quite as festive as theirs, but let me tell you... by the time the night was over it was a much more glorious shade of teal than even Al's was.

Let me give everyone out there a little hint or two about icing. Do not, I repeat DO NOT spray the aerosol icing directly onto your tongue or in closed area. It will induce certain loopy and crazy feelings and behavior. Let's not forget that to be so creative, you must make sure that you have at least 10 to 15 bowls at the ready for all the different icing adventures. Thankfully, the Bundy household survived with only having to do two loads in the dishwasher. Even with all of the highs Pegs managed to produce the most kick ass beach scene cake I have ever seen! Not to mention the most adorable hula girl ever!! I don't have a picture of the cake, but I do have one of the hula girl. Way to go Pegs... you made that little girls birthday everything she could have ever wanted!

Before the flowers were done...

Just look at the detail of that skirt! Amazing!

The final look (below). I am not kidding you guys, Peg amazes me with what she can do. If you look real close in some of the pictures you can see some of the numerous bowls that came into play that night. But let me tell you... if you ever need any ideas or how-to's on a Hawaiian party you now know who to call.

What did you think I was putting you out for?

2007-01-16T08:49:00.000-08:00

Hello all! It's that time of week again for an update. The past week or so has been crazy but here is a quick catch up for all of you. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Friday- Al's Birthday!! Happy birthday Al! I picked Jerrod up from school and then Kelly. Al was at home taking a nap, so I got the kids ready and then woke him to head out to Paradise Beach. We met up with Peg, her CIB (cute indian boy), Dane, and some of Al's friends from the shoe store. He had a great time hanging out with everyone and he did a very interesting Chicken dance (See pic!) After that we all headed back to the house to play some games and for fun to be had by all... lol.

Saturday- Time for a Road Trip! We got all of us loaded into the car to head to a friend of ours baby shower. We left at 11 am to be there by 1 pm, we knew it was going to be a while as it was across state lines to the shower. Well after a ticket (Read: No... I will not explain and so help Peg if you spill this one....), a stop at Tarje' (That's Target for you Northerners... he he he), and getting stuck behind the slllllllllllllloooooooowwwwwwest driver in the world, we finally made it. We arrived safely at the shower at 2 pm. Yep.. just an hour late. We were doing good! Let me stop here and thank Al properly. That poor man not only had to accompany us to this shower, but got left with Kelly and Jerrod when the co-ed baby shower suddenly became women inside only, men in the front yard. He watched the kids for almost 2 hours by himself, so Thank You Al! Yes, we know that we owe you for that. Finally we left and had to stop by a friend of Peg's to see the newest addition to the Bundy family. Meet Sophie...Isn't she adorable??! Yeah, I thought so too.... that was until I was informed that I was going to be the one to potty train her. Why, you may ask. Well I was told that I was chosen because I have raised dogs all of my life, I have trained dogs with my mother, and even groomed dogs. So I guess that puts me on the top of the list to train the newest member of the family. Hey... maybe I can train Sophie and Jerrod together... hmmm.. that's some food for thought. But, I digress... After seeing Sophie we went to a local Mexican (Read: OMG delicious!!) where the Bundy's partook in a couple of Margaritas. I love you Pegs, but oh girl... you have to get your tolerance back up! From there we went back to the house and made some daiquiris, Pegs went to bed, and Al convinced me to watch 'See No Evil' with him. Don't get me wrong, I love horror movies, but this was just flat out G.O.R.Y.

Sunday- After convincing Peg and Al that they wanted Village Inn for breakfast, we spent the next four hours shopping for Kelly's birthday party this coming weekend. Let me tell you, finding stuff for a Hawaiian/Beach/Tropical themed party in the middle of January is not as easy as you would think in a beach location. Sure there were grass skirts and lays (he he he.. i said lay, that always cracks me up.), but there wasn't anything that could really be used for a 7 year olds birthday party. We ended up finding some cute things and some kick ass ideas for a cake, OK well for the cake that Peg is going to make because I would destroy it. After that we met up with Dane for a family birthday dinner for Al at Peg's parents house.

Overall, it wasn't an exciting weekend as just slam packed busy. Although there was some great times had and memories made. If only I could actually relax one weekend... ahh, the good ol' days. :)
*Title of post from 'Irreplaceable' by Beyonce... more explanation on that one at a later time...*

Addict Vs. Goddess

2007-01-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

After playing a little game, anonymously mind you, at a friend’s blog, I have started to remember/think about my own promiscuity. Way back, before children and marriages I was promiscuous. I am not proud of this by any means, but I have never been one to deny it either. It was a learning phase, not only about sex and my body, but about me and what I thought of myself. It was a time for exploration, also. I know now and knew somewhat at the time, that I was looking for male attention. Having been a ‘big’ girl for most of my life, it was a way to find approval and confidence in myself. Or, at least that’s what I told myself. In all actuality, it was a poor way of giving me approval in my own head. If I could get the guy (and a very few times, the girl), then I was just as good as any other girl out there. As the years have gone on, I have become less of a sex addict and more of a sex goddess. Let me explain that. At the age of 14 I began the never ending battle of 'just let me put the head in.' I held out until I was 17 before I finally lost my virginity. From then until I got married at 23, I accumulated many sexual partners. (What?!? Did you really think I was going to tell you? LOL... uhm.. No.) In that 6 year span I had an on again off again 3 year relationship, yet still managed to rack up quite a number, hence the sex addict phase. I had my first son, Jayce, at 22; I got married at 23, and had my second son, Jerrod, at 24. Since all of this, I have entered what I call the sexual goddess phase. This means, that I rarely have sex, but when I do watch out because the heavens are going to rock. I much prefer one partner that I can be comfortable with as opposed to the addict phase where I was with multiple partners at a time. Since July of 2005, when Steve and I split I have had only 3 partners. This may seem like a lot to some, but in all actuality it’s not, at least considering my past anyway. There are still times where the self confidence waivers and I want to just have random sex with some random person, but in general I think I have completely moved past the addict phase. Does/was anyone else like this? If so, what are your thoughts on it today? Have you moved past it? Do you find yourself wanting to slide back into what is comfortable when things change or get tough?

Stupidity, packing, and ... oh yeah, vomit.....

2007-01-09T06:05:00.000-08:00

First of all, let me say Thank you to Pegs. She nominated one of my blog entries for a BlogMommy thing and my entry made the cut. Thanks Sis! Love ya!

OK, now on to the news... I would like to say that the last week has been over run by wonderful dates, exciting news, and busy days, but I can't. While there has been some news, I wouldn't call it all that exciting and there has been busy days, but honestly I would rather have not had them the way they turned out. Here's a little time line to catch you all up....

*Warning- this could be a long one... get your snacks ready*

Wed. Jan. 3- My darling Pegs announced to the world that I was seeing someone. After that I received a lot of questions and the day proceeded as normal. That night Jerrod and I had dinner with Al and then stayed the night with Pegs and him. At about one in the morning I hear Jerrod stumble out of bed and head my way. This is not all that unusual as he is not that great of a sleeper. What did surprise me is that when he got to me he proceeded to vomit on the floor right beside me... yeah not a great way to be awoken that early in the morning. I got him all cleaned up, made sure it wasn't going to happen again and put him back to bed. About the time that I am heading back towards dreamland I feel a funny rumble... oh shit, not me too... Yep, it was my turn. Needless to say I never got back to my lovely dreams that I adore so much.

Thurs. Jan. 4- I decide that after the painful night we both had that I would take the day off and keep Jerrod home with me so we could both recuperate. Hoping that it was a 24 hour little bug, and having been through the stomach bugs with him many times, we head to our house to get better. Jerrod is handling this one a lot better than myself. While he is jumping around and wanting to eat everything in sight, I am laying on the couch wishing I could die. Let me mention, this is all in between some very sexy texts that Carl has been sending me all day. We had originally planned on getting together this night to spend a little quality time. I inform him that we are sick and that it probably wouldn't be a good idea, needless to say I wasn't exactly happy with all the sex texts on this day. (Read: Was pissed that even though I was dying, he was worried about having sex. Can we say, strike one?) The day goes on and I get Jerrod ready for bed, he seems to have recuperated just fine and dandy, and I am starting to feel a little better.

Fri. Jan. 5- Wake up to a normal day, both are feeling better and ready to go on with our day to day routines. Friday comes and goes, without too much going on. As usual I spend most of my work day fielding calls, calculating invoices and receipts, writing contracts, and talking to Pegs online. This is where the day took and interesting twist. You all know that I am a single mother, with little to no help from Steve. Well be that as it may, I struggle... yeah big surprise right? Yeah, didn't think so... I struggle with bills and rent, with food and gas, with just about everything, so Pegs and Al mentioned a while back that Jerrod and I should/could move in with them. This would not only get me back on my feet, but also help them out with money and care for Kelly. I told them I would think about it and pretty much left it at that. Every once in a while one of them would bring it up and I would just push it off again. Not because I didn't think I needed the help, or didn't very much appreciate the offer and the fact that they care enough to help, but because to me it's admitting defeat. It's admitting that I can't live and raise a child on my own. It's admitting that I need help and that's always been a hard pill for me to swallow. Well, after pushing the landlord off again and praying that I will continue to have power for one more paycheck, I started giving their offer a little more thought. I decided that I would take them up on their offer, so we got together and talked about some of it. We ended up staying the night, and at about midnight Pegs and I hear Jerrod cough, and then cough again. Al gets up to check on him and tells me that there is vomit all over him and the bed. Weird right? Yeah, I thought so too. He had been fine all day Thursday and up until that point on this day too. I get him all cleaned up, they get the room cleaned up and we all go back to what we had been doing. (Keep in mind, it was only happening once, there was no fever and hardly any butt issues.)

Sat. Jan. 6- We all wake up, go about our normal business and everything is fine. Nothing too exciting happens, we went to my parents for dinner, and Jerrod seems to be fairing well again.

Sun. Jan. 7- (Happy Birthday to my Mom!!) Wake up to poo everywhere. And I mean everywhere! There is poo in his bed, on his pillow, running down his leg and a few drops from his bed to mine. Yeah, it was not the way I imagined waking up. I immediately put him in the bath and get him cleaned up, then I start the clean up on the rest of the house. After that, it's a normal day. We hang out and just kind of laze around. That night we head to Peg and Al's again, for the last discussion on the moving in together thing. Night, again, normal. Everyone goes to bed, yeah I am pretty sure you can guess what happened. He vomited again! I start freaking out, wondering if we are passing it back and forth, or if it is something in the Bundy house, or whatever else bad it could be.

Mon. Jan. 8- Never did really get back to sleep, but I got Jerrod up and get him ready for school. I, with the help of my mother, Pegs, Al, and myself, decide that it is time to go to the doctors. I go ahead and take Jerrod to school and go to work myself. I call Steve to see if he ever put Jerrod on his insurance like he said he was going to. Yes my children, Hell has frozen over. He put my son on his insurance. So, I called and made an appointment with a new doc for Jerrod. I took off half a day so that I could meet up with my mom for some assistance and then to meet up with Steve to get the insurance card. I then picked up Jerrod from school and we went to the doc. The doc said that it was just a stomach bug, and because I kept thinking he was better and was giving him the food that he wanted it kept flaring up again. So needless to say we are both on a soft diet for the next week or so to make sure this stuff is gone completely.

So there you go, my last week in a quick run down. Did you all notice that I only mentioned Carl once? Yeah, that's about all I have talked to him. He has sent me some texts here and there, but other than that it's gone cold again. I don't get it, but I am just taking it day to day. Hope you all had a better week than I did... I am off to catch up on you guys now. *muah*

Thank you Pegs.....

2007-01-03T09:16:00.000-08:00

Well, most of you that read my blog either found me through Peg or read her also, so I thought some explanations might be in order. (Read: I am going to kick her ass from here to North Jersey for letting the cat out of the bag!)

Yes, there is a new boyfriend. ::Insert shock and awe here::

Trust me, this is news to me the same as it is you. I have been talking to this guy for a while now, but honestly didn't think it was going anywhere. That is the reason I haven't mentioned him, well that and I didn't want to jinx anything. It wasn't because I didn't want things to progress, just because we are both so busy. Carl, yes that's new guy, is a foreman on a construction crew for a local military base. He is also a fire fighter (Read: Tall, dark, and HOTT!). So to say that he is busy is kind of an understatement. But then again, I am just as busy with my job and Jerrod. Oh, and let's not forget that he lives about an hour away from me. So, needless to say it's been a little difficult. We have been on one, yes one, date. It was a great first date though. He took me to lunch and the conversation didn't get awkward or die. It was good. He asked if he could see me again, and asked if he could kiss me. He generally calls when he says he is going to call, or apologizes when he doesn't. He understands that Jerrod is first in my life no matter what. Hell, he even called me on Christmas from his family's house in Georgia. He is very respectful, it's kind of odd... let me explain. Most of the guys here in Paradise are not respectful of women. You would think that being from the South they would be more gentlemen like, but alas.. no. Most of them are out for sex or money, but Carl seems to be different.

What can I say, I am happy, yet still reserved. He is a good guy and I am just taking it as it comes to me. But here's to hoping! What a way to start off a new year!! *muah*

shhhhh........

2007-01-03T06:29:00.000-08:00

Marci's got a boyfriend......don't tell her I told you....

*peg*

Coversations within Myself

2006-12-22T07:26:00.000-08:00

So after three very odd and interesting dreams last night I have decided that I need some changes in my life. Whether or not these changes happen I thought I would share them with you. Maybe you all will get some of the same amusement out of them that I have.

I need a man in my life. No, not because I need someone to support me or because I don't want to be alone. I just need that smell and presence that men give off. You know the ones I am talking about; The smell of a man after he has worked all day, kind of a mix between sweat and whatever cologne he grabbed that morning. Is there anything better? Or just the presence they tend to give off. Masculine and steady without saying a thing. Or knowing that just having them around makes you feel sexy, wanted, and safe.
I need to do something different with my life. Now what this is I haven't figured out yet, but I just know I need to. Should I get a haircut? Or maybe finally decide what it is I want to do with my life.
I need (Read: NEED, with every part of my being) to get laid. Not fall in love. Not date. Just pure, raw sex. I want to feel the weight of a man on top of me. I need someone to make me hurt (No, I am not an S&M kind of girl, but the kind of soft pain that usually comes after a good night of sex, at least when it is done right.) and more than anything I just need it to relax. I want someone to make me sweat, hell make me beg at some point for it, just give it to me!
I need to lose more weight. Granted I have lost 34 pounds since August, I still need to lose more. I need to get back to my 'happy' weight. I don't know that I was ever completely happy with that weight, but I do know that I was more comfortable with myself and my self image.
I want someone to want me. I want someone to have that everlasting, can't live without you, can't help but touch you need to be around me. (Yes, I realize this is probably a fantasy and no one truly does this, but hey... it's my wish/want/need list. :) )
I need to quit letting my parents (Read: Father) influence me and make me not believe in myself or feel bad for the decisions of how and why I live my life.

Yeah, I think this about covers them all. From this, I think you can probably guesstimate what my dreams were last night (And yes, all of the listed above where in some way, shape, or form in my dreams last night.). Anybody have any suggestions? :)

Warning Rant Ahead

2006-12-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know... it seems as that's all I have been doing lately is ranting and whining, but I assure you that after the first of the year I will try to make things better. Thanks for sticking with me and all of your kind words and thoughts! Now, on to the rant.

Telemarketers (TM) and bill collectors (BC) can bite my ass. I know it is not only me that is constantly bombarded and annoyed by these people, but I wish they would leave me the hell alone! There are sooooooo many things that I could say about these people but I am taking a cue from a great (Read: Hilarious, honest, and thought inspiring!!) blog I have recently stumbled upon and have put it into a 'Thursday Thirteen'.

85% of the working world has a Monday through Friday job and at least 75% of those people work some kind of hours between 7 am and 7 pm. So why in the hell would telemarketers and bill collectors call between those hours? Because they too work those same hours, yet are completely inept at the idea that they are bothering you at your job, nor do they care. How about I call you at your job to ask when you think you might be able to make a payment or to up sale you on more credit on the card that five minutes ago you were calling me about to make that dayum payment??? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Why in the hell would you ever, and I mean EVER, call someone only to have them pick up the phone to an automated voice telling them they have a 'Very important phone call. Please hold the line for the next available customer service agent.'?? What is the point in this? Don't you realize that by telling the general population that they have an 'important' message they are going to realize that it's a BC or TM??? Not to mention the fact that everyone that does realize who in fact is calling, is NOT going to 'hold the line', but rather hang up the phone.
If you have called the same person, for the same thing more than three times in a month, it doesn't matter how rude or obnoxious or illegal you make it sound, you are NOT getting your money. Move on!
I want to know for what idiot TM's actually work for. You know there is someone, somewhere out there that actually buys something from time to time, otherwise these sadistic morons would stop calling.
By all means, please tell me what could be so appealing about a free month subscription to a magazine that no one has ever heard of that makes the idiots mentioned above want to buy it??
If I already have some type of service that you offer, do NOT call me once a month and offer me to upgrade. Be thankful that my service is still with you!
Do not, and I repeat DO NOT, get rude with me because I don't have time to talk to you. As I said above, you are apparently at work the same as I am. I don't call you at work at ask you to pay your dayum bills!
By all means, if you are one of these sadistic morons that work in a TM or BC call center, do your job right. Say my name correctly (C'mon.. it's not that hard of a name. Sound it out!), don't talk to you friends in the cubicle next to you while waiting for the phone to beep in you ear to tell you that you have a call coming through (Duh, I can hear you talking about how drunk you got last night! I don't freaking care, and probably neither do your friends!), and by all means, please God, know what the hell you are talking about (If you can't do your job and tell me the correct amount I owe you without putting me on hold for 10 minutes, get a new job!)
Have a little courtesy! I guess because I am born and bred southern, telling someone 'Yeah, that's right.' or 'That's not what your account says.' just irks the shit out of me. Is it that hard to say 'Yes, that is correct.' or 'No ma'am, let me look again.'
DO NOT EAT WHILE YOU ARE ON THE PHONE!!! No one wants to hear you 'masticating your meat' while on the phone with you. (*Bonus points to the person that knows what movie that's from.*)
Do not tell me that I don't know what I am talking about, and then a minute later say 'Oh, I see that' and try to make me feel like an idiot. Look, I will go through the dayum phone and beat your ass.
If I tell you I don't want it, I DON'T want it! Don't try and keep me on the phone, or tell me that I will get a special gift just for trying it. I don't want the dayum thing! If I did I would have said so. I am not holding out, trying to get a fucking gift or trying to play coy to get a good deal! I apparently feel that I have no need for whatever item it is you are trying to sell, move along!
Quit calling me, period. I will pay you when I have the fucking money. If I think for any reason I may need what ever it is you are selling, I will find a store that sells it. In the words of my mother... 'Get it? Got it? Good, now fuck off.' Gotta love Mom.

OK, I think I feel a little better now. And in case I am not back before Christmas, I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday Season and a great New Year. May all of your dreams and hopes come true, and may it all be surrounded by love. *Muah*

Bah Hum Bug

2006-12-19T07:09:00.000-08:00

Is it me, or does it just not feel like Christmas? I know that I have my issues going on right now, but it seems like I am not the only that is not in the ‘Holiday’ spirit. Every where you look people are leading normal, everyday lives. I hardly hear anyone speak of Christmas, gifts, or even parties. It just doesn’t feel like Christmas. I mean, how is supposed to feel like Christmas when here in lovely Paradise the temperature is close to 80 degrees? This is not winter or Christmas weather. It’s even too hot for normal here, in fact we set a record high yesterday… 77 degrees on December 18, 2006. That’s just CRAZY! Sure, there are Christmas lights on houses and decorations abound, but how is one supposed to get in the ‘Spirit’ with record setting weather? I can’t even get in the mood to wrap presents, write cards, or finish my shopping. I am about ready to give in and say Bah Humbug!

Why is it?

2006-12-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

**Warning- This is probably going to be a real pity party post, so I will not blame you if you don't continue past this point. This is a rough time of year for me and it's all been getting to me lately, not to mention to stupid boys. **

This is not going to turn into another 'fishing' post, but why is that after a guy leaves you they want you? Honestly... the relationship ends, you finally move on after the 'grieving' period only to find out that the guy now wants to continue calling and be in your life. If you haven't figured it out already I have this problem right now. Not with only my soon to be ex-husband, but an ex-boyfriend and a friend's ex. What gives??

If I wasn't wife or girlfriend material the first time around, why keep calling or stay in contact period? Is it because you realize that I wasn't as horrible as you made me out to be? Is it because no one else will put up with your quirks the way I did? Or is it simply because you realized that you let go of a great girl, not to mention a sexual goddess??

If I didn't 'treat' you right or wasn't available, why try now? Maybe because you passed up the opportunity for a great thing and you realize what a dumb ass you are now? Or maybe it's because you realized that although I am not a size 0, or even a 10, I am a wonderful person that would treat you like a fucking king, even when you don't deserve it?

I just don't understand. I can't seem to find or keep a good man, and yet when I do they aren't interested or date me for a while to break up the monotony until they find something better. How about this... if you have read this far you are either really bored, can understand to a point where I am coming from, or you just enjoy trying to figure out the male species as much as I do (Please note the sarcastic tone in my voice.), so I am going to give you the situation that I am faced with right now. If you feel like it or just want to, give me some insight here.

The ex-husband: If any of you have read this blog before, you seen what I have written about Steve. He is not the brightest crayon in the box if you know what I mean, but he won't leave me the hell alone. Me... not his son. He tries constantly to find a way to convince me back into his life. Hellllooooo! You are the one that kicked me out; You are the one that moved 7 states away with no notice and not only abandoned me, but your two year old son. Not to mention the fact that you not only live, but work less than two miles away from your child at all times and yet the last time you saw him was for two hours on Halloween night. Oh and let's not forget your latest ploy to get me back... (and I quote here folks) "Let's have a little baby girl. That will force us to get back together." Excuse me?? Are you f*ing kidding me? First of all that would require me to have sex with you... oh lord, I just threw up in my mouth... but it would also require me to look at you. Let's not forget here that you already have one child that you don't have anything to do with. What in the hell would make me go for this idiotic plan?? Uhm........ No.

The ex-boyfriend: Like Steve, I have talked about Jefferson before. What I never disclosed is that we actually dated a looooong time ago. Pre failed marriage and child, pre first child, and pre maturity growth. I met him when I live in Jayville on one of the many 'pauses' in mine and Wayne's relationship. (Can I even call that one a relationship?) He too was a Military man, and I fell for all the same shit. Although I do have to admit, he came to Paradise many of times just to see me. I thought at one point he was even marriage material, but alas I was wrong... again. Hell he even got stationed in Paradise just to be with me, only to break up with me about a month before he was to move here. To make a long story short, after Steve and I split we ran into each other again. He was still stationed here and that is the Jefferson you read about. He has since gotten out of the military and moved back to his home town. Over the past few months since he has been gone he has stayed in contact with me. Even telling me that he missed me, that if he had the opportunity he would move down to give us another chance, and that he should have never let me go the first time. Oh, and don't forget the "fact that you give the best f*ing blow job in the world." (His words not mine... although I already knew that. He he he) Yeah, I am going to to do everything in my power to be with someone that says those heartfelt and caring words to me... again, please note the sarcastic nature of that remark. I wasn't good enough for you the first time in '01, or the second time in '02, and let's not forget the latest try in '06... my thoughts: Three strikes you are out... O-U-T! I am not an idiot, although my choice in men seem to make me think otherwise. I am sorry that you couldn't figure out what a catch I was one of the three times we 'tried.' I am also sorry that you are single, lonely, and think that I will just take you back with open arms because I am the same. Nope, don't think so buddy... move along.

The friend's ex: Ah Shaine. This one is a little different. There has never been anything between us but flirtation. Why you ask. Well I met him through a friend. He was her husband until early last year. I know, I know... woman's rule, never date a friends ex. But here's the catch. I haven't seen nor spoken to this friend since early '04. Why? Don't really know, she just kind of disappeared on me. I knew that her and Shaine were having problems and I also knew that she was cheating on Shaine. Last I knew of them Shaine had found out about her cheating on him, because she found out he was cheating on her. Yeah... not a good marriage right? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Since then I didn't hear from either one of them until early '06. Actually, Jefferson is the one that told me they were divorced. (FYI: I lived with Shaine and her in Jayville when I met Jefferson. Shaine and Jefferson worked together on base.) Shaine found me after that on the world's most known space and we have been talking ever since. He wants to come and see me. He says that he always wanted to know what it was like to be with me. (More FYI: Shaine was also the one that hooked me up with Wayne; They were best friends, so you know there was talk... great...) He says that he has always been attracted to me. Yet, there is no talk of anything beyond sex. That is not what I need or want in my life, though to admit it, I have always wanted to know what's it like to be with him. He wants to fly into Paradise after the first of the year and stay with me while he is in some kind of training. At times I feel like telling him that I will not be a 'Port of Call Girl', but I also know what a great guy he can be. I also know that he is caring, yet an asshole; We get along really well, yet fight like siblings at times.

There are also a few others that I won't get into, because (a) I just don't have the energy and (b) I really don't feel like depressing you or myself any more at this point. I just don't f*ing get it. I am only wanted by losers, deadbeats, or people that live a minimum of 4 states away. WHY?

~G.B.N.~

2006-12-06T06:56:00.000-08:00

Four years ago today I witnessed my closest friend’s world shatter to pieces around her. I watched helplessly, wishing I could run to her and pick up those pieces as they fell, but knowing that I couldn’t and that her world and mine would forever be changed by the events of that day.

Before this fateful day, I had watched my friend go through some of the best and worst times of her life. She had been with me that dark and dreadful night, in a maternity ward, where our innocence was lost. I had been with her as she had found, and lost, what was thought to be the love of her life, as she had been with me through mine. I had been with her to watch her blossom as she discovered herself and everything she was. I was also with her when she found out what every woman fears and dreams about.

She was pregnant.

I held her hand that day and have never felt so much fear, hurt, doubt, and joy as I did that day. I watched as her eyes pleaded with me to tell her it wasn’t so. I held her close as her tears fell with worry and love. I stood there as everything inside battled within her being. I listened as she talked about all the good and bad that could come of this situation; All the love and fear that would surely result from it too. Mostly, I was just there, as she had wanted me to be. Wishing that there was something I could do to ease all the emotions that were wrecking havoc with her. Wanting to yell at her for not being more careful and remember what I had just went through. Wishing that by remembering, it could have saved her all the pain she was dealing with. All the while, telling her that everything would be OK, that it would all work out; Telling her that she had family and friends that would support her and help her as much as humanly possible; Telling her that I would be there regardless of anyone else, as she had been there for me.

Over the next few months, I watched her and the baby inside of her grow, in many more ways that physically. I watched her mature beyond her years. I watched as she became everything that I couldn’t be such a short time ago. I watched as she was given the opportunity to love and cherish her child and little family. I watched as she walked every step of the way with a loving man right beside her. And I watched as that loving man left her broken and torn the day their son was born.

From that day on, the most impressionable memory I have is watching as she became the epitome of strength, duty, love, and motherhood. She gave everything she had to her son. I watched as she would cry, watching her son in the NICU. I listened as she would tell me about her fear, hopes, and worries about him. I held her when it all became too much and would just need someone there to lean on. I would take him from her, to give her a needed break, and let me be close to him. And I was there when those pieces started to fall….

Four years ago today her son passed. At four months old, he left this world to join another. I will never forget him. But I will never forget the pain, sorrow, hurt, remorse, self doubt and loathing, and shock I witnessed her go through. I will never forget laying on her mother’s bed with her, looking into her eyes and seeing nothing and everything at the same time. I will never forget feeling so helpless and worried for her, and being able to do nothing about it.

As always, I was there with her through everything; Every step of the way, as much as I could be and as much as she wanted me to be. I watched as her world was torn away from her and turned upside down. Knowing that no matter what was said or by whom, there was nothing that I, or anyone else, could do.

Since that day, four years ago, I have again been there. I have watched her put her life back together. I have watched her find true and undying love from a man that is everything to her and everything she deserves. I have witnessed her become a mother to a child that is not of her blood, yet that child is treated as if it came from her womb. I have watched as that child’s biological mother has abandoned that child, and my friend has stepped up to be the mother she was not given the chance to be, and excel at it. I have watched as she has endured even more pain and suffering that she does not deserve, yet stood amazed as she keeps on trudging through her life to make it everything it can be. So today, I write her story through my eyes. I tell the world of the pain and love that she has been through in her life, in the hope that whoever may read this will hold their child a little tighter, or that another story of the same will be given hope that there is life left, it’s just how you choose to live it.

And to her I say this… I will forever be in awe of you. You are one of the strongest and loving people I know. What you have been through in your life is not deserved, but you walk with your head high and your hopes and dreams alive. I will be here, until my dying day, for you to lean upon at your will. I will be the rock that you have been for me through so much, and only wish that I will be half of the person you are in my lifetime. I will remind you again of the love I have for you and the memories still yet to be made. I will not say that all will be OK, because that is not up to me to say. But I will say, that no matter the falls and spills or the joys and triumphs, you will always be a part of me and I can only hope to be the same for you.

And to my Godson I say… You are dearly missed. You brought such joy to people in what little time we were given with you. You taught us all so much, and were so wise beyond your time. You are loved even though you are gone, and you will never be forgotten. I love you NickyNick, and I know that you are watching over all of us. G.B.N.

Is it odd?

2006-12-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

What do you do when you feel like your world is falling down around you?

That is a question that many have asked me, and that I now find myself asking. This is very difficult for me to write about, let alone admit. In my life I have always been that rock that everyone leans on. Don’t get me wrong, I love being that rock. I love knowing that people can come to me about anything and everything and they know that I will be there regardless. But, that is where the problem lies. People come to me knowing that I will do, to the best of my abilities, what I can to help. This puts me in a position where I know how bad or good things are going for these people. So I often feel that I don’t want to burden them with my issues when I know how things are for them. I know deep down that they will help me, as I have helped them, but I find it difficult to open up and feel like I am just adding more weight to their shoulders when they have their own piled up already. I worry and stress constantly about everything, but how do I tell anyone when I feel like this? I worry about everything from money to Jerrod, from my friends to my life; I stress myself out so bad that I give myself migraines, and still don’t want to or know how to deal with anything. I’ve had nightmares since I was a child due to one reason or another. For many years I was able to get rid of them, but over the last few months they have returned with vengeance. It makes it difficult to sleep, when sleep is all I really want, and that, in itself, is a bad thing too. I have gotten to the point where I am hardly eating again. Not because I don’t want too, but I just can’t make myself make time to sit down and eat. I have always had issues with self esteem and that seems to be making a come back as well. The scariest thing to me is that very, and I mean very, few people truly know this about me. Even the ones that do know, don’t know to what extent it is, because I ‘fake’ everything so well. I fake so well in fact that even I sometimes find it hard to know what I truly feel about myself, let alone anything else. Sure, the ones that know me and truly care about me think they have an idea, but in all honesty they don’t. How could they when I, myself, don’t know the deepest extent it reaches?

I have written in the past, that over the last few years I was in a state of depression due to my failing and loveless marriage. That is not all true. I was in a state of depression, and it was, in part, due to the bad marriage, but it actually started a long time before that. To be honest, I am not sure when it started. I could say that it started with Russell or Billy, or maybe it started with this, but I just really don’t know. For most of my life, I have been able to suppress it and go on about my daily life, but it seems to be getting harder and harder.

When Steve and I split, I was lost for a while. It wasn’t losing him, so much as it was just realizing I had failed at one more thing in my life. That was hard to deal with for a while, and then one day I woke up and I had found a way to suppress it all over again. Yes, yes I know… it’s not good to just suppress it, but what can I do. I have enough stress, worry, and other problems in my life. I can’t deal with them all. I wake up daily and decide what I can and can’t deal with today. I try to figure out what is worth it and what isn’t. Most days it’s a simple choice of Jerrod and everything else as it comes. Then there are the other 75% of days that I just want to go back to sleep and deal with it all later. This isn’t fair… it isn’t fair to anyone in my life or me.

I made a step yesterday. I didn’t set out with the intention of making that step, it just ended up that way. My intention was to find a way to go to an OB/GYN to make sure that I am still cancer free. I have been having a lot of the same terrible pains I had before my surgery in 2004 to remove two thirds of my cervix. These pains are bearable most times, but it’s the times where I hit my knees in the middle of a job that throw me for a loop. After enduring this for the last few months, I decided it was probably time to do something about it. Let me stop here and explain something… since the split I haven’t had insurance. It is not offered at my current job and I can’t get approved through the state for any kind of help. Because of this, I spent an hour and a half calling around yesterday to see if there was anyone who would or could help me. I was finally able to find a reputable office that bases fees on your income. You have to answer some questions and submit some documentation to be considered. It was during this questionnaire that I answered truthfully for the first time in a long time about my depressive tendencies. It was then that the nurse I was speaking with offered to set me up with an appointment to see a therapist also. I have always found that odd. That I am in need of therapy. Not because I don’t need it or it’s an admittance of being ill, or something of that nature, but because that is what I have always wanted my career to be. I want to help people; I want to find a way to help them fix their problems and relationships. Do you find that as odd as I do? Maybe that is why I need the help. Am I so willing to help others and look to find rhyme and reason in their lives that I can’t see my own? Am I so closed off to things inside of me that I can’t see anything? Am I mistaken for wanting to help as many people as I can, when I can’t help myself? Am I strange for wanting to point out the good and bad in others when I can’t seem to find anything but bad inside of myself? I wonder… if being a therapist can help so many others, is it true that I might just find the help I need for myself?

A to Z Meme

2006-12-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

Found this on a cool blog. For those of you tagged, feel free to do it or not. :)
Hope everyone has a good weekend!

A-Z of Me !!!

A - Available/Single? In between
B - Best Friend? Pegs, Al, Jerrod, and Mom
C- Cake or Pie? Cake
D - Drink Of Choice? Water
F - Favorite Color? Any shade of blue
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Both please.. YUMMY!
H - Hometown? (born in ) I will just say Alabama.. ok.. you can stop laughing now
I - Indulgence? SLEEP!! J
J - January Or February? February.. don’t really know why.
K - Kids & Their Names? 2; Jerrod
L - Life Is Incomplete Without? My son, family, and friends.
M - Marriage Date? Was July 5^th… but that is no longer…
N- Number Of Siblings? One half brother, Chad
O - Oranges Or Apples? Either or is fine with me.
P - Phobias/Fears? Small spaces, not being a good mom, and dying alone.
Q - Favorite Quote? “Tell me why it is that women always pull the same kind of men to them? The one that will taste them, eat them, swallow them, and then spit them out…Only to leave them at the side of the road, drive away, then back up to say, ‘You want another ride?”
R - Reason to Smile - Jerrod
S - Season? Fall
T - Tag Four People? He he he… Pegs, Deb, Jenny, and Heather
U - Unknown Fact About Me? I love to sing, and think highly of my singing… whether others do or not I don’t care.. lol.
V - Vegetable you dont like? Not a big fan of corn… blechk
W - Worst Habit? I have a few…
X - X-rays You've HadRecently: Haven’t had one in a long time.. but I did have a ultrasound in August when they found the gall stones. Does that count?
Y - Your Favorite Food? Mexican
Z - Zodiac Sign? Virgo

Sarcasim, Toilets, and Cell Phones...

2006-11-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

This will probably be one of the funniest posts I have ever written. I wish I could lay claim to every funny thing, but alas... it is my smart ass 3 year old that gets to do that. Over the past few weeks my son’s innate ability to be a complete sarcastic ball of energy has been on hyper drive. So after the… uhm, how shall I put this… fiasco (?) last night I have decided I need to share these few little pearls of my life with him, with all of you. Enjoy!

*After spending the day with his OGM and OGD (other grandparents):

I come in to find him playing with a new train set and Kelly. He is so excited he starts trying to tell me all about it, and his allergies kick in. He then coughs…

Me (Hoping he is not getting sick): Hey little man, where’d that cough come from?

Jerrod (Looking at my with the straightest face): My mouth.

Me (As I try not to explode from the inside out with laughter: Yes, huney you’re right. It came from you mouth.

*After being around his father for a while.

We are at the house playing and watching ‘Choo Choo Thomas.’ (Thomas the Tank Engine for those of you that don’t know the language of Jerrod.) I look up to find him trying to color on the carpet with a crayon.

Me: Jerrod! Do NOT do that. If I see you do that again, I will spank you. Do you understand me?

Jerrod: Yeash ma’am. (Pronounced Yayysssshhh)

Me: Bring me the crayons. You can’t color for a while.

Jerrod (Looking so pitiful with a trembling bottom lip.): NO!

Me (Slowing counting to ten and talking through my teeth.): Jerrod, bring them to me right now, or I will spank you.

Jerrod (In the most angelic sing song tone of voice): No you won’t.

Me (Giving up on counting to ten and moving closer to him.): Jerrod, come here right now!

Jerrod (Looking a little concerned.): Momma…

Me: What??

Jerrod: I be good. I love you.

Me (Cracking a little.): I love you too Jerrod, but bring me the crayons.

Jerrod (Now looking quite pissed off, speaking under his breath.): Dayumit. (**Please note: I don’t encourage my son to talk like this, this is a results of being around his father that cusses constantly {I cuss also, so as not to lay all the blame on Steve} and he did receive a spanking for the crayon bit. Thank you, you may now continue.)

*Last night.

I have a new interest in my love life, so I have been talking to him a lot of the past few days. I normally reserve this for at night, after Jerrod is down for the night. I do this for a few reasons. One, Jerrod is quite a loud child, and it is hard to carry on a conversation when there is a screaming heathen in the house and / or car with you. The other reason is that he tends to get a little jealous of Momma laughing with someone else and not him. This behavior is not only reserved for when I am on the phone, but when I am around someone for too long also. I digress… to the point: I had to talk to the new interest a little earlier than usual, as he had a softball game to attend. Jerrod was unusually quiet and reserved. I, being the gullible Momma that I am, chalked it up to him watching a new episode of ‘Choo Choo Thomas’ and eating a Happy Meal. Yeah, let’s just say Momma was wrong. Very wrong.

-Coming out of my bedroom I notice Jerrod is no longer in the living room.

Me: Jerrod? Where are you baby?

Jerrod: Here me Momma.

Me (Looking around and back tracking to his bedroom): Where?

Jerrod (Peaking his head out from the bathroom): Here!

Me (Bad feeling starting to sink in): Jerrod, what are you doing in the bathroom? Get back in here.

I start walking back to the living room when I hear:

PLOP….

Jerrod: Uh oh…

Flush.

Me (Bad feeling gone, terror sinking in.): Jerrod… what did you do?

Jerrod (Looking a little terrified and smiling at me like an angel): Momma’s hello (Translation: My cell phone.) bye bye.

Me (Starting to freak the fuck out.): What do you mean: ‘Momma’s hello bye bye’??

Jerrod: You come see. Momma’s hello bye bye.

Me: JERROD!!! (Did you know that a Sony Ericsson flip phone, will not only flush, but not clog up the toilet either??? Yeah, me either.) WHY DID YOU FLUSH MOMMA’S PHONE SON???

Jerrod: Hello bye bye. No more talky.

Me (Realizing I am losing the battle here, not to mention my patience.): What do you mean…. Never mind. Get in the car.

-Fast forward 10 minutes as we arrive at my mother’s house. I don’t have a land line so I couldn’t call her.

Mother (Looking slightly puzzled): Hey… What are you guys doing here?

Me: Well… I would have called, but your lovely grandson has just flushed Mommy’s phone down the toilet.

Mother (Trying her dayumdest not to laugh): Jerrod!?! Why did you flush Mommy’s phone??

Jerrod (Smiling and looking like the angel his grandmother thinks he is): Momma’s hello bye bye. You buy her new one?

Me (Coughing to cover a laugh): Well, I guess that explains it then Mom.

Gotta love him. Even when he does something bad, he is still trying to spoil his Momma! LMAO

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-22T08:27:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, I hope you all have a great and Happy Thanksgiving!! Things are crazy for me right now, but I might have some updates come Monday! Love to you all!

Everyone out of the water!!

2006-11-17T12:53:00.000-08:00

Helllloooooo! I’m back… Yes, I know I have been away for a while. But you can all breathe a sigh of relief now... I am back! YAY! Ok, enough with the jokes. I have been doing some thinking over the last few days, and I am going to touch on something I talked about a long time ago. Let me take you back to here. Yes, the fishes. I think I have thought about it enough and I have come up with a few more questions or theories. Let’s just see what you have to say… he he he.

As I said before, and is common knowledge, that men are referred to as sharks. Well, I have broken down some of these sharks, at least in my own mind, to see if I can’t help pick the good from the bad.

Angel Shark- This species is easily spotted by the markings that look like tire marks up and down the back. It is known for is ability to make women swoon and kill at the same time. It is a very shy species and is usually picked on by the other species. It tends to treat the women with respect, but it acts almost like a door mat at times. Good qualities: Loyal, caring, romantic, and smart; Bad qualities: Jealous, immature, homebody, and geeky.

Basking Shark- Commonly spotted by it’s inability to quit looking at it’s self. (Also known as: Prettyboy Shark or Conceited Shark) It is known for it’s ability to make just about every woman in a ten mile radius look at it’s beauty and then want cry for feeling less beautiful. It is a very outgoing species and is usually looked upon by all other species, thus fueling it’s self esteem. It tends to treat women as trophies, meaning that if you date this species you are only being dated because it makes them look even better. Good qualities: Good looking, sexy, and out going; Bad qualities: Conceited, immature, and uncaring.

Bull Shark- Easily spotted by the chip on the shoulder complex and ability to blend in and look like a normal species. This species puts himself above all other species, not only shark but all animals. It is known for it’s ability to scare and intimidate all species. It tends to treat women with abso-fucking-lutely no respect or worth, like a piece of meat basically. Though they can be loving and play the charming role, beware… they use this for traps. Good qualities: Hmm.. let me get back to you on this one.; Bad qualities: Fierce, jealous, abusive, mean, nasty, and self absorbed.

Goblin Shark- Very little is known about this species. They tend to be classified as almost a myth. What is known about them is that they tend to treat women with respect and like to have a 50/50 partnership. They mate for life and usually are content in a quiet place. This species is also known to have good self esteem and high regard for life. Good qualities: Loyal, loving, mature, honest, funny, and giving; Bad qualities: They are very, very rare.

Mako Shark- While not as rare as the Goblin Shark, they are still few and far between. This species can be spotted by it’s unmistakable wide mouth. This species shares a lot in common with the Goblin shark. It tends to treat women with respect and honesty, though they can be very immature in their ways. This species is also known for it’s inability to commit. Though once they do, it is usually very special and long lasting. Good qualities: Honest, loyal, caring, and respecting; Bad qualities: Immature, can be perverted, and loners.

Nurse Shark- One of the most common types, it can be spotted by it’s ability to camouflage it’s self like every other species out there.. While they tend to treat women good, they also bounce around for years before finally committing. This species is known for it’s on and off behavior. This means that when it is in one of those aloof relationships they will treat their woman like gold… as long as their other shark buddies aren’t around. The species is also known to have more than one relationship at a time. Good qualities: Loving, giving, caring, and generally sexy in their own way; Bad qualities: Afraid of commitment, immature and self esteem issues.

Tiger Shark- It can usually be spotted by the stripes of gold running down it’s back. The one species that every other one wants to be like. This species is known for it’s ‘Go get it’ attitude and ability to feel comfortable any where. They tend to treat women well, but also forget about them easily too. Good qualities: Life of the party, assertive, caring, and generally honest; Bad qualities- They don’t commit! Always, always looking for something bigger and better.

Whale Shark- This species can be spotted by the fact that it is larger than life. Although rare in it’s own right, once they are spotted they are usually let go just as quick. Though they are not as needy and geeky as the Angel Shark, they do tend to be looked over. It treats woman with respect and love, but tends to get it’s heart broken very easily. Good qualities: Loving, loyal, and wonderful personalities; Bad qualities: Self esteem issues, not very trusting, and scared.

**Women... you can also fit into some of these catergories, as Pegs has just told me. Just thought you should know.**

I've been Tagged

2006-11-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

Wow! Posting twice in one day... I bet you don't believe it! Hell I hardly believe it but, I was tagged by Pegs with this little quiz thing so I thought I better do it. By the way... I tag Rants of Deb, Girl in her Underwear, and Miller Mayhem... Have fun!

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? Besides the fact that we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place? Well that could be a multitude of things, and I don’t think you have the patience nor energy to read that list. LMAO
2. When was the last time you shaved? Last night
3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Dropping Jerrod off at daycare
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Smoking, Yeah I know.. gross, but it keeps me sane. (Or at least that is my excuse... lol)
5. Are you any good at math? As a matter of fact I am…
6. Your prom night? Which one? I went to a few… lol
7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Not that I am aware of.
8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Yes
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? Yep, sure do!
10. Last thing received in the mail? A post card from Janet in Japan!! YAY!
11. How many different beverages have you had today? Just water.
12. Do you ever leave messages on peoples answering machine? Most of the time.
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? As horrible as this is… Bryan Adams.. lol
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Depends on my mood.
15. What was the most painful dental procedure you have had? I had braces on and off for eight years of my youth…
16. What is out your back door? No back door actually.
17. Any plans for Friday night? Don’t think I have any.
18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? No
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Nope
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? I think I remember one time.. lol
21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? At least twice… then it’s on to new ones.
22. Some things you are excited about? Right now? Or over all in life?
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Uhm… strawberry?
24. Describe your keychain(s)? A few keys, an Office Max perks card, and a picture of Kelly and Jerrod at the fair this year.
26. Where do you keep your change? In my change purse… makes sense doesn’t it?
27. What kind of winter coat do you own? Don’t.
28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? Uhm… if I remember correctly it rained all morning and then cleared up just in time for graduation.
29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Usually open.
30. Did U read this far? Consider yourself tagged (you know, if you wanna do it)!!

Which one am I? Are you?

2006-11-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

I recently stumbled upon an interesting blog by the name of ‘Not Sex and the City.’ Most of you don’t know this, but I am (was?) a huge, HUGE, Sex and the City fan. I have watched every episode at least three times and was so into it that I closed myself off to the world every Sunday night during SATC. Unless you were dying, profusely bleeding, or giving birth I didn’t care and dayum sure didn’t want to know until the show was over. And yes, that included the previews for the next episode. Yes, pitiful I know, but I couldn’t resist. These four women were the epitome of sexy cool fun women. Over the years that it was on, and since, I have had many of the same friends and at least once a year or so I find myself comparing those friends, and myself, to those four wonderful characters of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. I still have not figured out who is who, although I think most of us fit into more than one category. What’s more amazing is over the years the more I have thought about these four characters the more I have been able to place myself in their shoes at one point or another. I digress… The more I read this blog the more I started thinking of how at this point my life I am no longer sure which character I would fit into. So I thought I would have you all participate. I am going to break down each character as I see them and how I think I could fit in and I want you all to let me know what you think. Not only about me, but about yourselves also. C’mon… it might be fun!

I’ll start with Carrie. To me, she is the epitome of sexy, sophistication. She is smart, beautiful, and intelligent. She sees herself for everything she is, the good and bad and lives her life accordingly. While she has a passion for everything expensive, she also knows that it’s the little things in life that matter. She looks for that ever lasting kind of love, but enjoys the speed bumps on the way there. She is confident in her sexual being and knows how to have fun regardless of her surrounding. She is witty, sarcastic, and caring all rolled into one. Not to mention she has some of the best one liners. How do I fit into this character? To be honest, this is the one I was never really sure about. While I may try to be a lot of those things such as witty, sarcastic, intelligent, beautiful, I feel that I sometime lack the initiative to truly let go of myself enough. I see myself for a lot of what I am, though I tend to down play the bad along with the good at times. I am like her, in that I, not actively mind you, look for that ever lasting can’t breathe kind of love, and like her, have yet to find it.

How do you describe Samantha? Most see her as too sexually experienced and open, I see her as strong, sexy, and confident. Yes, she is promiscuous, but that’s what makes her the person she is. (Side note; just because a person is promiscuous does NOT make them easy, a whore, and/or a tramp.) She finds both sexes and sex to be a beautiful thing. She is extremely intelligent and very confident in her abilities, both in the bedroom and out, and in herself, mind and body. What most fail to see is that she is like every other human being. She does crave love. She craves to be that one special person in someone’s life, the way they would be in hers. Though the thought of commitment scares the shit out of her, yet she is open to the idea… on her terms. She is an ‘in control’ type of person, and doesn’t like to admit when she is wrong. She keeps a lot hidden, but when the time is right she lets out what needs to be known. Me as Samantha… this is where is gets a little more like me, in the past. Though it is not something I am overly proud to admit, I was promiscuous in my younger years. I do not regret for it has helped make me the person I am today, and no, I wouldn’t change it if I could. I knew what I wanted, for whatever reason it was at the time, and I got it. I am a strong, confident woman. I am sexy in my own right, and think sex is a beautiful thing. Like her, I do crave love, but don’t find it necessary to be in constant search of it. I am just as happy single as I am in a relationship of whatever kind. The thought of commitment has always made me a little jumpy, and especially now after the Steve fiasco, but I do still want that relationship that will end all others for me. Though I am confident in my abilities, both in and out of the bedroom, I do tend to lack a true confidence in myself.

This is where I tend to have a little difficulty. I have never truly been able to apply my thoughts of myself to Charlotte, but find her appealing and sometimes appalling at the same time. She is truly the vision of American royalty. Not a hair out of place or a word misspoken. A true classic, girl next door, lady in my eyes. Though she tends to be thought of as air headed or simple minded, she is not. She thinks everything is roses until proven its shit. She gives everybody and everything the benefit of the doubt and sees the good in all. Love is her biggest treasure and strongest demise. To have the correct image seen by everyone is very important, regardless of whether what they see is fact or fiction. That is what I find appalling about her. She tends to put on a show for the world to see and then collapses back into her world when the show is over. I do tend to see a little of myself as far as love and benefit of the doubt traits, everything else is not typical me.

Ahhh…. Miranda… Sarcastic, brainy, independent, boyish, scared, strong, and loyal. She is the odd one out in this group of four. Not for any particular reason mind you, but she is different. She goes against the grain, she runs with a different pack… how ever you want to say it. And I think this is why I feel I fit with her more often than not. She is so very smart, yet she doesn’t run from it or try to hide it as some women do. She is beautiful, though she doesn’t always believe it. It also comes as a big shock when someone, besides those that are close to her and even sometimes then, points it out. Don’t get me wrong, she by no means think herself ugly, just not as pretty as the rest. She realized early in her adult life that she didn’t need (key word need) any one to live a whole life or satisfying life. Miranda is where the words casual sexy began. She is not a ‘girly, girl’ like the rest of the girls. She has her own style and doesn’t feel the need to show everything God gave her to the world to feel sexy or pretty. In her mind, you will like her for her and that’s the way it should be. Though she feels this way, it also scares her for numerous reasons. It scares her because though she realizes that she can live a happy life alone, it doesn’t mean she wants to. It also frightens her because in the past she has been too strong in herself and has scared men away. But over all, the thing I like the most about her, is that she is loyal. Her friends are her family and she would give anything she could for each one of them. Though it can be hard at times to be friends with her because she tends to be so forthcoming and outspoken with her views and opinions, she is not closed minded towards her friend’s views and opinions either. The only way I can compare myself to Miranda is to tell you to read the paragraph I have just written again, only change Miranda to Marci.

Wow… I had more fun writing this than I originally thought I would. I was afraid that I would give my thoughts on the characters and not on myself, but I didn’t. I was open and truly my in my responses to the characters. I hope you all enjoy!

To Vote or Not to Vote.... hmmm...

2006-11-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

I am going to go out on a limb here and admit something that most in the South would consider personal, but I feel that it being 'that' day then it can be talked about. What am I talking about you might be asking yourself, but if you have been anywhere near TV, radio, or print in the last 48 hours then you know that today is Voting day. I have quite a few opinions on the years vote, but feel that because I don't nesscarily keep up with it right now... Look, unless it has talking animals or bright colors my three year doesn't believe it exists... Then I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to views or expressing my opinions. I will say this though, because I am sick to fucking death of people that have no idea what they are saying putting it out there for the world to hear, then getting pissed when people talk or look at them like they are fudiots (just a little clarification- fucking + idiots= fudiots). These are my views and/or opinions on certain things that are being voted on today. You are more than welcome to leave your comments as usual, whether good or bad. I welcome all... This is why America is America.

George W. Bush. While I think it is far past time to pull the troops or make a move, I feel that he has been a decent president. I am by no means saying that he hasn't made mistakes or has been the best, but I can't fault him for some of the things he has done. We all love to look at people in authority and blame them for things we can't figure out or can't place blame on. This is true whether it be the President or a teacher or a parent or simply a boss. It is easy to look at someone and say that you would have done things differently if it were you, but would you? Would you really have let 9/11 and the following actions happen and not have retaliated in one way or another? No, I didn't think so. As I said earlier, I don't agree with everything, but I am one of the few that will admit that I am proud to have had 'W' as a president.
John Kerry. Simple put... He can bite my ever loving pasty white kiester. Not that I really need to say anything more, but how many times does one man have to shove his foot so far down his throat that he can do cartwheels by coughing before we realize that if he does this before possible becoming President what the hell will he do in office??!?
Jeb Bush. Like 'W' I don't agree with everything that he has done for Florida, but there are more that I would agree with than not. He has done a lot for this state. I had the opportunity after Hurrican Ivan in 2004 to personally witness if he was going to stand up for his state or not. I must say that he did. Even though there was four thousand and one other hurricanes that year, many with as much damage as Paradise he was in the area within 36 hours of the disaster. And he stuck by his word. He promised more food and water, more shelter, fast response from FEMA and Red Cross and nearly everything was run to perfection. He helped all local economies and small town governments as much as humanly (governmently??) possible. I am proud to call Jeb my Governor and it will stay that way.
Immigrants. I will put this simply too. (And also agree with Deb on every point. You haven't read it?? Well go here. No really.. It's great!) Either learn the language or go the fuck HOME!! It really is that simple. Do NOT cross into MY country and expect to be treated like a king or expect me to learn YOUR language to make YOU feel comfortable. My polite hostess level ran out about 5 years ago when I was turned down for a job because I wasn't bilingual. WTF!!???!? I live in Paradise people... NOT Mexico!

Those are just some of my views, and like I said, they may not be all that educated or up to date, but there they are and they are mine. Not yours, nor anyone else's. I am tired of all the political nonsense that surrounds elections. The he said vs. he said shit and everything that goes along with it. Not to be cheesy, but can't we all just get along?

Don't stop.. yeah.. right there!

2006-11-06T10:52:00.000-08:00

Great Weekend!! I actually spent all day Saturday out. Without Jerrod! For the first time in two months I was without my child. Now, don’t get me wrong. You all know that I love my son, with everything I am, but… You need a break every once in a while so that when I say I am going to rip his arms off and beat him to death with them I won’t actually do it. … … C’mon people… laugh with me here…. Well, I thought it was funny.

Back to the weekend. Pegs, Peg’s Momma, and I all got together Saturday and went to a Massage show. It was pretty neat, and yes… we did get a free massage out of it. Let me tell you something… I now know what I want for Christmas. His name is Lil Mike and he does this amazing thing with his hands….. Yeah, just thinking about it I am semi-relaxed again. He almost had me saying "Don't stop... yeah, right there baby!" It was niiiiiiiiiice! (Said in my most southern accent and about 14 syllables.) Other than that, it was just another weekend. So I am going to steal this little meme from Peg’s blog and do it.

Pick three items for each
Twenty Years Ago I...
* I lived with my Dad in Smallestville, Tenn., and had recently succeeded in running off Rayna, the wicked stepmother.
* I met Russell and so my life changed.
* My best friend was Amber, I don’t think even her Mom could tell us apart when we were attached at the hip.

Ten Years Ago I...
* I was in my third year of my relationship with Billy.
* My best friends were Billy, Jonny, Jasmine, and Jillian; We were the brat pack of Paradise.
* I inherited the family vehicle. Dubbed ‘The Tank’, because nothing or no one got in its way. Not even the fence posts. (Yeah, don’t even ask… I won’t tell the story... lmao)

Five Years Ago I...
* My best friend was Peg and we were kicking ass and taking names on the dating scene at a certain honky tonk in town
* I made one of the hardest, most difficult, heart wrenching decisions I have ever, and hopefully, will ever make.
* I moved around… A LOT.

Three Years Ago I...
* I married the biggest loser in the world.
* Had second my beautiful son.
* Was diagnosed with cervical cancer and beat it down with a bat baby… YAY ME!

One Year Ago I...
* Realized that not everything was right or my fault; Though none of these realizations helped me with depression.

* Screamed in silence for help of any kind, while I watched myself slowing sinking further and further.

* Steve and I split.

This Year I...
* I got my best friend Peg back in my life full time, right where she is supposed to be.
* I went through one of the most painful experiences of my life. Ok, well I went through a few of them I know… but that one defiantly took the cake.
* I realized that I have so much respect and admiration for all the single moms before me.

Yesterday I...
* I was up at the butt crack of dawn, 6:15, and in the grocery store before 7:30. This would be a record…..
* Found a couple of new blogs of interest.
* Caught up on a lot of shows from last week.

Today I...
* Realized how boring my life really was yesterday.
* Will pick Kelly up from school and wait for Pegs to get home so I can rip her hair through another cap and continue the female bondage act she calls ‘dyeing her hair.’
* Will eventually fall asleep… somehow, someway.

Tomorrow I will...
* Go to work, file papers, answer phones, yell at the new guy, and take a nap somewhere in there.
* Go to my dear mother’s after work.
* VOTE! (Thanks for reminding me Pegs.)

In the Next Year I...
* Will hopefully have Jerrod out of his terrible 2’s… and 3’s… God help me if he has the fucking 4’s.
* Restart school and become what I wanted to be when I grew up.
* Remind myself, Jerrod, family, friends, and Pegs, Al, and Kelly why I love them, and that I am thankful everyday for them being a part of my life.

SurFUCKINGprise!

2006-11-03T13:35:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you all a little story. Beware: This could get graphic. No, not in that way people... c’mon... give me a little credit.

So you all know that Steve and I are not on the best of terms. Although, he likes to think differently. You also know, that he is not the most responsible, mature, or giving person on the world. So, what I am about to tell might not shock you in the least, but I am pissed beyond pissed and needed to get it all out one way or another. Here we go…..

Since I met Steve in 2002 he has had 4 different jobs. I am sure you are thinking that’s not all that bad, but let me clue you in on something. 3 of those 4 have been this year alone!

Let me reiterate that… 3 in LESS THAN A YEAR!!!!!

Granted I know that he moved to the state of StuckUpMomsAss for a while (Or was it TurnTailandRan… or wait, maybe it was I’mAFUCKINGLOSER? Yeah, I think that was the one.) and now he is back in Paradise, but c’mon now. 2 of those 3 have been in the last two months! And the one he holds now takes the cake. He is a car salesman. A FUCKING CAR SALESMAN… am I the only one the sees the irony in this?

I digress…

I was quite surprised when he told me this, but told him that whatever was going to keep the child support rolling in I was all for. I asked him what he would be making and he told me that he would get $600 every two weeks and commission on top of that. I thought it sounded a little too good to be true. Well, I am sure that you can all figure out that I was right. SurFUCKINGprise! He gets a $1,200 a month ‘draw’ that is basically considered a advance on all of his commissions. Meaning, that if he sells x amount of cars and his total commission for the month is $1,307 he would only get a commission check of $107. Of course, he doesn’t bother to explain it the right way the first time, because knew it wouldn’t fly with me. So, I get a call today from him telling me that he is not going to be able to give me all of the child support this time, that he will have to catch it up with the next check. Then he also bothers to tell me that he will not be getting Jerrod this weekend either, because there is something going on at the lot.

And by the way, no, he didn’t give any more dayum information than ‘Something going on at the lot.’ Shocker, huh? No I didn’t think so either.

Does anyone but me think he is the biggest loser in the world??? Wait… that would make me a worse loser for marrying him… hmm… don’t know that I like that too much. Am I being to picky? Should I just accept the fact that at least he pays me child support? I mean he never sees his son. When he does, I supply all pull ups, clothes, and extras. On top of that, he never has Jerrod for more than about 8 or 9 hours before he brings him back. Let’s face it… Jerrod knows who his father is ok, but it so terribly sad when a 3 year old gets more upset over Al, Pegs, and Kelly leaving than his own father. That’s how little they are together. So again I ask… Am I being too picky? Am I expecting too much?

PS- Never, EVER, go to a local bank for a cashier’s check when you are already pissed at something else. You will get the new girl, that has no idea what a cashier’s check is, let alone how to do one. Just thought I would throw in some helpful advice for someone out there.

Stolen Idea

2006-11-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

Ok... I am stealing this from a friend of mine, who got it from a friend. I thought it was really cool, and of course because of that I had to do it too... lol. Go see one of them here.
1. You are my laughter. We have shared so much in this life, and I can’t wait to share more. Just remember, that no matter how rough things seem, we will always be connected to even things out.
2. I hope against hope that you will one day realize why things turned out this way. Though we share so little, you mean the world to me and will always be in my heart and mind.
3. Why do you treat me this way? Why am I not good enough for you, but everyone else is? I hope you never feel a tenth of the pain you have caused me. Over everything, I am still me and wouldn’t want anyone to hurt in that way, no matter how you tried to convince me that the world was out to get me.
4. Be You! No matter how others try to make you feel or act. Deep down they love you. You are one of my oldest and dearest friends, no matter the time or distance apart.
5. You make me sick. Grow up, be the person you need to be, and by all means stop waiting for people to live your life for you. It will never turn out the way you want it if you can’t be the person you need to be. Realize what you lost and make your life better from it.
6. How is it possible to love you with everything that I am and dislike some things about you at the same time? I can never, nor do I want to, see my life without you in it. You are my soul, yet I just wish you could take a step back and see yourself for what you are. All the great things and the bad. I don’t know what I would do if I were to lose you, I love you with every part of my being. I don’t truly think you will ever understand how much I truly mean that.
7. My heart is full with you in my life. I wish I could give you the world on a silver platter, and I promise to always do my best to do that. I am so proud that I will be the one walking with you as you accomplish everything you set out to do.
8. As much as you have hurt me in the past, I love you more with every day that passes. I am not, nor will I ever be, like you, I just hope you can one day learn to accept that and still love me. I learn from you every day and you will never know how much you truly mean to me. For that I will always be sorry.
9. Enjoy every minute of everyday. Love yourself and the people around you with everything you are. Stop expecting to know everything and appreciate what you have right now.
10. Love me. Accept Me. Stop acting and show me how you feel before it’s too late. You have taught me so much in the life. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.
11. Ask for help. Quit waiting for things to go right on their own Stop pretending that you don’t hurt and let someone in all the way. You are the greatest person I know and I love you for everything you are. The good and the bad.
12. Leave me alone. Can’t you see that you bring nothing but heartache and anger to people?
13. You have changed me. I will never forget the words you broke, but hope that one day I can forgive. I never want to lose you, but am afraid that I have or will. I will always love you, for the way you loved me, but mostly I will love you just because you are you. Don’t push me away again… you will lose me.
14. There is no stronger word than hate, but if there was I would feel that way too. Why me? Why after all that time did you do it? Why after everything did you still want to punish me more? Still, with all these questions, you have made a difference in my life. Whether that is for the better or worse is yet to be known, and I paid dearly for that change, but there is a part of me that feels it was worth it. I can see you and your kind for what you are now.
15. You are a beautiful flower. I am so glad I was one of the few that got to see you blossom. I only hope I am around for many more.
16. I always have, and always will, love you. You taught me patience, love, longing, self worth, and pain. Why couldn’t you let go of yourself enough when you had me instead of throwing me away? Why did you have to realize it when it was too late? Through all… I still wait for you.
17. Why, why… WHY? I LOATHE you for what you did to me. I can only hope that you rot in hell for what you put me through. I wait for the day when the world sees you for the disgusting piece of demonic shit you are.
18. I wish all the best in the world for you, but stop looking for love. It’s right in front of you and it always has been.
19. You were my shooting star in life that burned out too soon. The little time I was allotted to spend with you has stayed with me all the years later, I miss you so much.
20. It’s ok to let people in. I hope you will one day realize that not everyone is out to use and abuse you. There are some of us that love with everything we are, yet are scared to show you for fear of you retreating back into your shell.

So, there it is. These 20 people that are either in my life, or have made a statement. You can try to figure out who you are if you like, and some may apply to more than one person, but I will never tell. I love you all in your own way, and love that we are who we are.

Stupid, STUPID, boys.. or is it me?

2006-10-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

**Warning... if you are a man, then you might want to wait for the next post because you are probably not going to like this one. You’ll get over it... Thank you. **

Why is that boys are just the most stupid things roaming the earth?? I mean seriously! I know that most men think with their ‘little head’ 75% of the time, but dayum can’t you guys just for once think of something or someone besides yourself?? I know that a lot of this could do with the fact that I have a sordid past and bad taste in guys apparently, so I guess I should fill you in on why I feel this way. I am going to give you a little back ground on the ‘men’ through out my life, and then fill you in on why this started today. Get ready because, here we go...

*All names have been changed*

Russell: My mother’s 3^rd husband before she remarried my father. I was 7 years old, I hadn’t seen my mother in many years because she moved around a lot and my father was raising me. I went to visit her and my half brother for two weeks that summer. I had never met nor talked to Russell, but my first impression of him was not the best. He and my mother fought constantly so I stayed away from him as much as possible. That didn’t last all that long, because he lost his job about four days into me staying there. My brother was involved in some kind of summer camp, so he was not around all that much through out the say and my mother was still working, so it was just me and Russell. He started becoming more and more loving towards me, which in the eyes of a 7 year old was ok, but still kind of odd. That’s when the ‘touching’ started. It eventually turned into him molesting me. I am not going to go into detail with this, because people don't want to read that kind of that thing. Now, please tell me… How can any man, or person for that matter, get any pleasure out of a young girl? How can anyone make an innocent child do things like that? So started my much skewed opinion of men.

Duncan: Cousin by some means and a few years older than me, by about 6 years actually. I was 8, almost 9, and I had just moved back to Paradise with my father, not too long before my parents got remarried. I had been helping my cousin Moria, Duncan’s mother, in her yard and garage while my parent’s were off playing golf. She tells me that she has to go to the store and will be back in a little while. She left me with Duncan, and that’s when it all began. It started out with him holding my hands and hugging me a lot. Then he was coming to the house a lot to baby sit me when my parents were gone and it just kept going further and further. I knew something with this wasn’t right, but because of Russell, I just kept my mouth shut and took it. He never took it as far as Russell did, but it was just as bad. Again I ask, what does a young innocent girl have to offer an older man??

Billy: He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. You know the one, your ‘first’ of pretty much everything. I met him in 1993 right before I went in high school. He was about to be a junior at a different high school and I thought he was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. We were together until Feb. of 1998. Everything was great for the first year or so. We did everything we could together. Our families got along which helped us spend a lot of time together. After the first year, we started the whole break up and get back together thing that most high school kids do, but we always ended up back together. After I graduated in 1997, we practically lived together. I was over at his house all the time, stayed there most nights and helped pay bills. It was good, until he started drugs. Nothing too serious at first, but then he got hooked on steroids. It was ok at first, like everything else. He would have mood swings from time to time, but nothing too major. On Christmas Eve of 1997, he came home and started flipping out because I wasn’t there. I had told him numerous times that I was going to an office party, and that I would be home late. By the time I got there, he had destroyed the entire house, and was not finished yet. He tried to grab me, but I got away and left the house. I didn’t talk to him for a month or so, but he eventually got to me and I gave him one more chance. As much as I was scared of him that night, I couldn’t imagine my life with out him in it. On Valentine’s Day of 1998, I was supposed to be home early that night because he had something special planned for me. I ran late at work, and got home about an hour late. I ran in apologizing and pleading him to not be mad. He wasn’t. Which I found very odd, but was too happy to care. We had dinner that he made and then he gave me my Valentine’s present. An engagement ring… I was shocked and crying. After I said yes, he went to put it on my finger, or at least that’s what I thought he was going to do. He grabbed my hand, and threw me into a wall. He said, that’s what I got for coming home so late. And it just got worse from there. I am not going to go into detail, because honestly it’s just not something I talk about, or even care to think about. I will just say that he beat to an extent that my own parents had a hard time recognizing me. He went to jail and that’s that. But it was the first in a long line of bad choices in men that I would make.

Jose: After Billy, I decided that being in a relationship was not for me. I had fun, did what I wanted, and lived my life as I chose. In August of 1998 I met Jose through my job at the time. We hung out a few times; I honestly didn’t think it was going anywhere. He was a cool guy and dayum good looking, but he was a player and I knew it. Then in November, he told me that he was moving to Orlando, but that he wasn’t to get with me one more time before he left. So, I said what the hell? I wasn’t attached to anyone. Yeah, just another mistake. We got together, went to dinner, and then back to his apartment. We did our usual make out session, but this time he just wouldn’t stop. At first I thought maybe he thought I was playing hard to get, so I made it a little more obvious. I started getting a little scared, and told him so. He said that I was being ridiculous and that I wanted it as much as he did. I said again to stop, but this time he didn’t listen and I knew that he heard me. I think you can put two and two together and figure out from here what happened. The kicker is that about 8 months later, I get a email from him telling me that he is back in town and wants to see me again. Yeah, I don’t think so was my response. Jackass. Moving on…

Wayne: Now, if you had read any of my blogs, you have probably read about LOML. His name was Wayne and he is and will probably always be the love of my life. I am not going to go into a lot of detail with this for a few reasons. Mainly, because you have probably read a lot about him, and you know the general basis of the beginning and end of our relationship. Also, even though it is years later, it still hurts, and most likely always will. And, well there is nothing more to it than it was just another wrong choice in men for me.

Zach: The same as with Wayne on this one. If you have read my blog on October 2^nd then you will know all there is to know about him. He wasn’t so much of a bad choice, as just wrong timing and conflicting interests.

Kyle: I met Kyle on Halloween of 2001 at a local bar. If you notice the time, it was less than a month after I had my first son. I was in no way shape or form ready for any type of relationship, but I desperately needed something to take care of and cling to. Or at least, I realize that now. It was lust at first sight for us two. I fell for all the things that I didn’t usually fall for. Within a month he was telling me he loved me, and of course I reciprocated. I thought things were perfect, I over looked the fact that he didn’t have a job, because I loved him. I didn’t care that he lived with his aunt, and had no ambition to move out, again because I loved him. Needless to say, the boy played me like a fool. On January 3^rd of 2002, he called me and said it’s over. Just that simple. That was one of the only relationships that I can say was completely my fault and pure stupidity. Nothing more. The boy was good at playing, and he played me like a fiddle.

Steve: Yeah... I wouldn’t even know where to begin on this one. I know you all know a lot about the divorce and such, but there is oh so much more to the story. As before, I will not go into a lot of detail, but I will give you a little back ground on why things went so bad between us. I met Steve in September of 2002. He wasn’t my normal type, but after Wayne, my first son, and Kyle, I was just ready to settle down. So, I jumped right in. As with Kyle, within in the first month or so, he told me he loved me. This time I didn’t reciprocate as quickly, but nevertheless I did eventually. In January of 2003, he proposed and I accepted. Somewhere down in me I didn’t think I would ever follow through, but thought that maybe I could learn to love him like he loved me. In February, we moved in together and within days found out we were expecting. I was thrilled, scared, nervous, and sad all at the same time. It was then that the problems started between us. I think now looking back, that we both knew it wasn’t going to work, but we stuck with it. It wasn’t very long after that, that I started finding out that he was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. And, that was only the start. Throughout our entire marriage he cheated on me time and time again. I know that living with me was not easy because I was depressed and miserable being with him, but I never cheated on him. Not only that, but he had a very bad habit of forcing himself on me. It didn’t matter what I said or did, if he wanted sex he was going to get it one way or the other. The man was a pervert. He couldn’t go an entire day without looking at porn, or doing something sexual. The longer it went on the more it disgusted me, not to mention I was practically getting raped by my husband. Yeah, say it with me, another bad choice.

Greg: This is the latest in bad choices. I met Greg about two months ago online. We talked almost every day for a solid month, before we decided to meet. He was sweet, funny, and was a single parent like me. We met this past Sunday and went to lunch with Al and Pegs. I honestly thought he was going to be a good guy to get to know, man was I wrong. While at lunch, he kept checking out the waitresses and playing with my legs. Not necessarily a big deal, but on a first date? With my friends there? I blew it off, thought maybe he was just nervous or something. This would haunt me in about an hour. After lunch, Al and Pegs went back to their neck of the woods, and we went back to my place. Do you remember one of your first dates as a teenager? Sitting on mom’s couch and making out like crazy while she wasn’t there? The guy pushing, and pushing and you thinking it was fun because you were just that young and stupid? Yeah, well, I am 27 years old. When I say stop, that means stop dumbass. That doesn’t mean continue thinking I am playing hard to get, especially when I flat out tell you that I am NOT playing hard to get. The boy would not leave me alone. He kept trying to push me down on the couch, trying to get a hand up my shirt, and just over all trying to force him self on me. I am not kidding people… it really does sound like a teenage date doesn’t it? I even told him at one point that he was scaring me and to get off, he still tried. Needless to say, I ended the date and sent his ass back to wherever the hell it is that he came from. You know what the kicker is? The boy is still calling me! Well, at least he was until today.

So here we are, back at today. Now that you have a little information on all the bad choices and situations of my life, you might understand a little better why I am so ticked at the world today. It started out as a normal day; I posted my clit piece yesterday, and as usual have gotten some good and interesting responses to it. What?? You didn’t read it? Oh, please... go read it now! It’s the best one yet, of course I am a little bias. Ok, back to the story… I am doing my morning ritual of checking all email and sites that I do everyday, when I see a message from Steve on the world’s largest gathering space. I check it and this is what it says:

“LOL love the new blog! To funny!

I think you 'taught' me how to do it pretty well most of the time! lol

I see your current mood is 'horney' so if you need any help please let me know lol You know me Im always hungry! lol

Just messing with you! (maybe!)

Well hope your having a great day and please be careful in this rain.

I do miss you... and love you… Steve”

Yes, he really is that bad at grammar and spelling. This might not make sense to you about why I got so mad, but this is only the latest in a line of sexual comments and suggestions he has made to me in the last few months. I told him one of the last times, that it was disgusting and that he needed to stop. As usual, he didn’t listen. So I notice that he is online and I instant connect with him. This is how that story plays out:

Marci: not working today?

Steve: day off and not feeling good

Marci: sorry to hear that

Steve: crap going around work

Steve: Jerome’s sick and about 3 other guys at work are sick too kinda sad

Marci: ewww

Steve: and both kids are home from school today sick

Steve: so im trying to avoid them all lol

Marci: lol

Marci: and i cannot believe you just sent me that email

Steve: LOL

Steve: at least i didnt post it as a comment!

Steve: lol

Marci: yeah.. i appreciate that

Steve: apparently i just never really change.... lol always the same horn dog, just a little older and a little wiser

Marci: wiser?

Steve: yea i think so

Steve: trust me Marci i think ive learned a hell of a lot in the past couple months.... stuff i SHOULD have known already lol but day late dollar short kinda thing

Marci: why don't you enlighten me to what you have learned.. and how you learned it.. i would love to know

Steve: learned the hard way that you never let the one you love go no matter what. that you have to do what ever it takes to keep them happy , and so much more

Steve: boring sappy stuff and makes me pissy eyed if i think about it

Marci: pissy eyed? what the hell is that? and why?

Marci: because all of that you said, you have said before.. it's nothing i haven't heard

Steve: Marci im not trying to start anything i was just saying i have learned alot from my mistakes in the past year

Steve: i cant make it up to you or anyone else in my life that i have hurt... thats the past

Marci: i'm not trying to start anything either.. i just am curious to hear what you have learned as you say.. but as usual it is nothing new..

Steve: hell Jerome pointed out to me sunday that him and Katie think im not over you yet since the first words out of my mouth when i get home from your house is about you and im allways smiling when i talk about you

Marci: i don't know what to tell you Steve. you know how i feel about the situation and that is most likely not going to change

Steve: Marci, i never thought me telling you this stuff would make it all better

Steve: but i get to stay your friend and that counts alot

Marci: like i said earlier. i just find it funny that you always want to say that you have learned so much in these past few months, but when asked what you have learned it's

never anything different..

Marci: the lying is still going on.. the immaturity is still there..

Marci: it's just funny and frankly sad.. but that's in my opinion

Steve: im sorry

Marci: for?

Steve: everything and anything i have ever done to you and to US and to our FAMILY

Marci: why do you think that when i say things like i did that i am looking for an apology?

Marci: i'm not.. nor have i been in a very long time..

Marci: i am basically hoping that one of these times that i repeat myself over and over again that it will sink in for you that you need to grow the hell up. Act your age, stop the lying, and by all mean try your dayumdest to act a little more mature. I am sorry if it sounds like I am being a bitch, but I am so tired of getting childish remarks from you and when I call you on them, you revert back to the i'm sorry for everything mode

Marci: I want to be your friend Steve, if for nothing else but Jerrod and the history we have, but I'll be dayumed if I am going to keep having to decipher the truth from the lies, and the disgusting remarks, only to have you try to turn it on me or get mad... I was done with all of that in Jan and am not going to change my mind on that/

Steve: ok

Marci: wow

Marci: all of that and I get a 'ok'

Steve: Marci i dont know what to say,

Steve: your right about all of it

Marci: sad thing is Steve.. is i knew that is what you were going to say.. you can't face things head on... you don't know how bad i used to want you to just say it all .. put it all fucking out there.. but no, you always run..

Marci: are you still there? or just not talking to me?

Marci: ok.. well i am sorry to go off on you like that.. but I asked you the last time you sent me a comment like that to not do it again.. i didn't like it when we were married and i dayum sure don't like it now.. and you caught me in the middle of a very bad day..

And that is the last I have heard from him today. I doubt that anything will come of it, but I had to get it all off my chest. Of course, some more interesting news is that right in the middle of getting into it with Steve, Greg calls. Yeah, needless to say he got an earful also, and I seriously doubt I will hear from him again. So there you go, another interesting look into the life of Marci. Not always exciting, but when it happens, it happens. I’m going to my best neighbors tonight so Pegs can torture me by doing my hair. Maybe this will kill some of those brain cells that cause me to fall for the wrong guys!! Hmmm… now there’s a thought.

Sex for the Slow: Your Friend and Mine, the Clitoris

2006-10-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

You like the title? Yeah, well... I am trying to educate here, because boys let me tell you something. If you think you know where a woman’s clit is... move about 2 to 3 inches up. Yeah, that’s right. To all of you out there that think you are ‘good’ at eating, or even pleasing with hands there, I can almost bet that your girl is faking. Wait, don’t flip out guys! Yes, some of you are dayum fine at it with hands and/or mouth, and I mean dayum fine at it, but there are others that aren’t. Let me say this though, in defense of some of the guys out there, it’s not all the guys fault. Ladies, you have to know what feels good to you and express that. Most of the time, guys are more than willing to listen to what feels good to you and what you want. Ok, let’s get started.

The clitoris is the most sensitive part of a woman’s sexual organs. I don’t care what you heard about the “G-Spot”, it’s honestly all about the clit. Being too rough, biting it too hard, or in some cases over stimulating the clit will cause a woman severe pain or loss of all feeling in this region. Some women do need more pressure applied, and some women will claw the ceiling from the lightest touch possible, ask your partner what feels good!! Without some form of communication between you both, your sex could be the worst possible experience for everyone involved.

Women, you have to know how to please yourself, before you can have great, satisfying sex. We all know that men learn this at the age of two, just touch it and they are happy. But for us, it’s a little more difficult. This doesn’t mean that you have to ‘please’ yourself, by yourself. It simply means, as I have said numerous times before, that you need to pay attention to what turns you on and off, and what feels good and what doesn’t. Pleasing your self, can be one of the best ways to find out what you like and don’t like. I will admit, I am not a big fan of this, but when it came to learning what I wanted and what I didn’t, I jumped right in. You simply can NOT lie there and let him do what he thinks feels good to you. First of all, how would he know? Secondly, if you aren’t into it, it’s not going to happen. If he is nibbling a certain way that feels great, let him know or if he moved in just the right way, let him know. You have to be willing to let go of your personal issues and talk to him. Most men are more than willing to please in this area, but just aren’t sure of themselves. As I said in the ‘Let’s talk about Sex’ post, you have to guide them and teach them, but mostly just find a way to let them know!

Men, where to start with you? I mentioned earlier that most of you are pretty good at eating or playing to make us happy. But there are a big percentage of you that don’t have a clue. I was also serious when I said, that most of this is not your fault. Women in general are nice, consoling creatures. This means that even if we don’t like what you are doing we won’t tell you; well most women won’t tell you. Hey, not everyone can be as comfortable with sex as me. Most of the time women don’t speak up because we know how sensitive a man’s ego can be, especially in the bedroom. We are not meaning to hurt your ego when we say things like that; we are simply trying to enjoy ourselves the same as you do. One thing to remember, whether it is your fingers, tongue, or dick that is anywhere near the prize, don’t be so rough! Yes, it can be awesome from time to time to get the hell fucked out of us, but not all the time. This also doesn’t mean that we want it all soft caresses either. **Insert gagging sound here** Just take your time and do it right. So, being the sexual goddess that I am, I am going to give you guys some pointers when it comes to pleasing women.

I’ll start with dick. If you read the ‘Let’s Talk about Sex’ like a good boy, then you would know some of the things I am about to talk about. If you haven’t read it, do it now. Seriously, go and read it. I’ll wait… ok, ready now? Ok, since you read it I am not going to go into major detail. I am just going to point out the biggest things to remember. Do not just pump away, it does nothing for us! Beating yourself into us does nothing but hurt or numbs the most sensitive part of our bodies. This is not what you should want to accomplish. Do not just lie there. Be inventive and thoughtful. This is the perfect time to play with our clit. Do play with the clit. It is one of the most pleasurable spots on a woman’s body. Do have fun! I can’t say it enough. Be inventive, creative, and mostly attentive.

On to the fingers. This, as I have said before, is enjoyed by some and not by others. I, personally, have never been a big fan, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy it from time to time. It just has to be done right. As with your dick, don’t just pump away with your fingers. Slide one or two in, and try a snake like motion. Try a drummer like motion. It doesn’t matter what kind of motion it is, just don’t forget about the clit. While you have your fingers in, try using your thumb directly on or around the clit. Just don’t be too rough, as before, too much pressure will only hurt and numb the area. If you want to be a little more creative, try placing a finger on either side of the clit. Then apply some, notice I said some, pressure, and then move your fingers up and down. Honestly there is not a lot that is creative or inventive when it comes to fingers, but it can be enjoyable if done right. It is also a good time to caress and kiss your lady.

Now to my favorite, the tongue and mouth. Yes sir, there is nothing better than having the hot breath and mouth of your lover on your most special place. That is if and when it is done right. As I said earlier, it is not all about the tongue. Yes, while the tongue can be pleasurable, there is so much more to it than that. I can’t stress this enough. Please, lick, suck, or even nibble on the clit, please! Contrary to popular belief, mostly thanks to Gene Simmons, a long tongue doesn’t do shit for us unless you use it on the clit. It doesn’t matter how far you stick the dayum thing in, it isn’t going to feel better than some loving attention to the, say it with me, clit. I would like to be able to give you some more specific things to do, but this really is one thing that just about every woman differs on. I could give you what makes me want to crawl up a wall backwards, but then that would only be me. And I know for a fact, that what I enjoy is not enjoyed by some of my girl friends, so what would be the point. Well, other than being able to know what pleases me, but that probably wouldn’t help you, and unless you are coming to see me anytime soon, it’s not going to help me either. The one thing I can tell you is something I have said before. Don’t believe what you see in the movies, there is never an excuse or good reason to stick your head in and shake. It doesn’t feel good, hell it doesn’t do anything but make us want to bust out into a fit of laughter.

Conclusion:

If you take one, and only one, thing from this; remember that the clit is your friend and definitely mine. Pay attention to it, and it will do you and the ladies both a world of good. Not to mention it will earn you major points if you can listen to your lady and please her.

Dating for Dummies: How to help you find and keep a REAL MAN

2006-10-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought since I have done a lot of ‘sex talk’, that today I would help some of the guys out and enlighten some of the ladies out there to the do’s and don’ts when dealing with you guys. I am not saying I am an expert or even somewhat knowledgeable on this subject, so I am just going to put into words what I have experienced, witnessed, and been told by both sexes. I mean, I am still single with a lot of bad relationships and one very failed marriage under my belt, so take everything with a grain of salt here people. So, grab a drink, a notebook, and get ready because here we go….

The first thing I am going to talk about is where to find ‘real men.’ This can be a difficult thing. If you are like me, and live in a pretty small area then it is even more difficult. You really only have four choices and none of them are better than the other. Let me explain..

- Around town. By this I mean anywhere. You could be in a store, in the mall, hell even in your car. Sometimes this can be a good way to meet. It’s a little more open, and can get things started on the right path. By this I mean, that 75% of the time, if you are running errands you are not looking for anything but what’s on your three mile long list of things to get or do. The old adage of stop looking and it will find you is true to an extent.

- In a bar. This is not one of the best places to meet a guy, but you take what you can get right? I have actually met and dated some nice guys at bars. You just have to know what to watch out for. If they are coming on strong, they are probably just out for a piece of ass. If they aren’t putting any kind of moves on you, then they are probably not interested or in a relationship of some kind. If they keep buying you drinks, they are just getting you drunk. If they are actually trying to have a conversation with you, they are either interested or want to be.

- In church. Look, I told you I am in a small town, not to mention the Bible belt! This is the most difficult place to meet guys; ok well it is for me. I don’t attend church regularly, or really at all, but that is another story… The thing about church guys is that while they are good guys, sweethearts, and will treat you right, they tend to be momma’s boys. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not good either. That is something you are going to have to figure out on your own, as I don’t have a lot of experience or stories for this one.

- Online. Hmmm.. I am not a big fan of this one for one reason. This is where I met my ex, in all of his flabby, disgusting wonder. Though, this is also how my two best friends met, and it seems to be working for them. The only real advice I have to say about this is: (a) Do not meet anyone offline and not let at least one person know where you are going and what you plan on doing. (b) Don’t trust photos, voices, or anything else. By all means, give him the benefit of the doubt, but do not go in believing you have your prince charming and end up watching a movie with a toad. Lastly, (c) Don’t expect anything! It doesn’t matter how much talk has went on, go with the intention of meeting someone new and that’s it.

Now, once you have found somewhere that you are comfortable and you meet a guy these are some things you need to remember.

1) When you are interested in a guy, let him know. Now this doesn’t mean push yourself on him by calling him every five minutes! This also does not mean play hard to get. We all know that men have a very short attention span, so if you play too hard to get they will get bored or frustrated and move on. The best way to let him know is to be subtle. If you come on too strong they will most likely run. Also, don’t be afraid to ask him out or for his phone number. A lot of times, guys can be too shy to ask you out or for your number. Make it a little easier on both of you and step out of your comfort zone. Just remember, don’t push yourself on him. If you ask him out or for his number and he doesn’t respond, give it time. If you have given it time and still nothing, then move on. Don’t dwell, don’t get pissy, and most importantly DON’T stalk him and ask why he didn’t do anything. If he’s not into you, there is nothing you can do about it. MOVE ON!

2) If there is an established interest made, move forward.. SLOWLY! The more you push for something, the farther away you are going to push him. Enjoy the time spent together and let that be it. Let me explain a little better.

A. If you go on a date and he doesn’t call, don’t flip out on him. This will do nothing but make you look like a bitch and an idiot. If he doesn’t call, then take it as a sign that he either, wasn’t interested or is busy. Whatever you do, DO NOT listen to the ‘3 day’ rule. This is a cop out brought on by men that aren’t interested and don’t have the balls to say so. They will either call or they won’t. It’s as simple as that.

B. If you are dating for a while and getting to know each other, don’t expect anything! Like I have said before, this is why it is called dating. It is the getting to know each other period. This does not mean that you are committed to each other or that he owes you anything. Granted, like I said before, this doesn’t mean that you or he should date more than one person at a time! It’s rude and childish. Once both of you feel comfortable or know that it’s not going to work, then the conversation will be had and you can make the decision on whether to move forward to a committed relationship or not. And yes, it will take more than a few days to figure this out.

C. Most importantly, DO NOT say love to anyone two weeks, hell even two months, into dating someone!!! I can not stress this enough! It is not love you feel, it is lust that’s it. I know all of you are arguing with this, but I am serious. Lust is not only a sexual feeling; it is also the feeling of connection with someone that is very strong. But remember, although it may be strong for you, doesn’t mean it is for him. Just let things happen on their own time, if it is working then you will know.

3) Once you have established a committed relationship, don’t quit working on it. This is one of guy’s biggest complaints. You act one way while dating and a completely different way when the ‘girlfriend’ role comes into play. I admit, this is a problem I had in younger years, and a lot of my girl friends still have. This is true on many different aspects, so don’t put on a front to impress a guy, they won’t know the difference and will expect it to always be that way. Be who you are, they will either like it or not. For example: Don’t pretend to be a sexual goddess, when you aren’t! Speaking of sex, let’s talk about that. Guys love sex. We all know that, but what you don’t know, is that though they love it, it isn’t the most important thing to them. Yeah, laugh it up, but you know I am right guys. Don’t make it all about the sex, show that you have interests in other things besides trying to keep him happy in the bedroom so he will stay around. Show him that you have an interest in things that he likes. Even if you don’t know anything about it, try to learn.

Conclusion:

As I said earlier, I don’t claim to be an expert, but these are just some of the things that guys, and girls alike, have told me over the years. One of the most important things to remember is to be you and be honest! If that happens, there will be more likely of a chance that the relationship will work.

Dating for Dummies: Let's Talk About Sex

2006-10-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

Well, after ‘man bashing’ yesterday, I thought I would take a break and bash both sexes equally. Sex is a difficult subject for most people to deal with, much less talk about. Thankfully, I am not one of those people. As I have said before, I can talk about sex at anytime and anyplace. It doesn’t bother me; in fact I quite enjoy it. So today, I am going to take my experiences and things that have been told to me and put them out there for all of you. Maybe you will learn something, maybe you will laugh, but all of you will at least be able to relate to something. You might even talk to your partner about it, and end up letting the freak out of the closet. Who knows, but here we go.

First and foremost, sex has to be mutual on both sides. I can’t stress this enough. And no, I am not talking about rape or anything like that. What I mean by that statement is that you have to both be willing to participate. If you aren’t into it, DON’T DO IT! Your partner will be able to tell and it will be miserable for both. I have said it before and I will say it again and again until you all listen to me. Talk to your partner about what you like and don’t like, what turns you on and what is a major turn off.

The following list has been compiled over time from both my own experience and stories shared with me by friends. These rules are not set in stone. If you and your partner find something that goes against the rules but tickles your fancy, then by all means, enjoy it and rock it out all the way.

A. Ladies do enjoy being rough, just not as rough as guys can be. Ladies do not like being man handled. There is a big difference there people. Most women like to be pinned down or held up to a wall from time to time. This does not mean that we like to be thrown around or beaten; there are laws against that type of stuff. A gentle spanking from time to time can be nice… Oh wait; we aren’t talking about me are we?

B. Men like to be caressed, just not all the time. We all know that men are not gentle creatures, *see above*, but they do like soft touches from time to time. Offer a massage or gently stroke his face or back, it will set a different mood and might be a new experience for both of you.

C. Both men and women like to be dominated from time to time. Wait... NO, I am not talking about whips and chains here people, although... well never mind... To be dominated doesn’t have to include leather and ball gags. It simply means to take charge, be aggressive, and assertive. Nine times out of ten, a woman will allow her man to always be in control of the bedroom. We let them initiate sex, we let them put us where they want us, and we let them do all the work. Ladies, we can do better than that, can’t we? Come out of your shell a little. This process starts before you hit the sheets though. While you’re working on balancing the checkbook, cooking dinner, or folding laundry get your point across verbally or physically. Tell him that you want him. Grab his face and plant the sexiest kiss you can on his lips, and then casually walk away. If he knows that you are already interested, he will be much more inclined to drop the game or turn off the TV and head for bed. Once you make it to the bedroom, take over during sex. Even if you did nothing to initiate it, you can take charge. It’s not that hard, and no one is going to laugh at you. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that they will sit back and let you take control. I will get more into this later... *wink*

Now, I am going to move on to more specific things. Foreplay, Sexual positions, the do’s and don’ts of these positions, and the most taboo subject of all time, oral sex. These are subjects that I am comfortable with, so I will warn you that these might be a little graphic. You’ve been warned... you may now proceed…

Let’s start with foreplay, the way it should be. Foreplay is a major part of any sexual experience. Foreplay is anything that gets you in the mind set or ‘mood’ for sex. It can be anything from making out to massages, or even sexy messages in text or email. Yes, you can have sex without foreplay, but it is so much better when you have set the mood. As I said before, this does not mean that foreplay can be considered asking your partner ‘Am I getting any tonight?’, or grabbing a handful of ass or breasts. And again I will say, THIS DOES NOTHING FOR US! The best thing about foreplay is the anticipation of what is to come. *No pun intended....* I have always said, “Anticipation is the best form of foreplay.” And I truly mean it. Contrary to popular belief, foreplay does not have to include touch. Some of the best kinds of foreplay are thoughts and sexy words. Putting small thoughts like ‘Do you know how bad I want you?’ into your partners head at the beginning of the day and letting them think about it all day before seeing you is amazing. It lets the imagination run and by the time you do get together it is wild passionate romance. I am just going to stress one thing here, don’t forget the foreplay in some way, shape, or form. It doesn’t matter if you just started dating or have been married for years; it needs to happen to make the experience worth while.

Moving on to sexual positions and the do’s and don’ts of those positions: I am just going to jump in here and start with a list of the most common positions. Why these positions are good or bad, and what can be better about them from both sexes. Ready? Here we go…

Not just for the Amish anymore! Generally thought of as the most boring of all positions, Missionary can actually be very exciting if both partners participate. Ladies, don’t just lay there. It’s not doing anything for you and its damn sure not doing anything for him. This is your time to shine girls! Be inventive! Throw one leg over his shoulder, or both. Wrap your legs around him. Lift your self up to meet him every time he enters you. Play with your clit yourself. Do NOT just lie around and let him do all the work while you moan and think about what you want to cook for dinner tomorrow. If you want to get real inventive, once he enters you, pull your legs together. This will let him feel like he is getting deeper, and it will give you more action to your clit. Men, please, please, please, DO NOT just pump away. As I have just told the ladies to be more inventive, you do the same. Tease a little by going in slowly just to pull our fast and do it again. Put her feet on your chest and lean down on them, DON’T CRUSH HER, just lean down. Put both of her legs over one of your shoulders. If you want to be a little more inventive, turn her on her side with one leg between yours, and the other on your shoulder. This will give you full access to view what you are doing, and deeper penetration for her.

One time for the rodeo! A girl on top is one of my personal favorites because it puts me in control, and we all know I like to be in control. This is the best position for women, as it generally leads to orgasm quicker for us. Once again, I will start with the ladies. Please, do NOT just bounce up and down like a yo-yo! While this can be fun, there is so much more to it than that and the penis is a breakable muscle. We don’t want that on our conscience do we? Try, like the song says, ‘Save a horse and ride a cowboy.’ I know most of you reading this are from the south and I know that most of you know how to ride a horse. Ride your man! Don’t just bounce! Try rotating your hips around while having him deep. Maybe even reach behind you and play with his attachments (I hate all words associated with testicles, so I choose attachments, just a little FYI for you.). If you want to be real inventive, put your hands on the surface below him. Lean up until all that’s left inside you is the head, then slowly rotate your hips or sit back down. This will drive him crazy and give you some very nice sensations also. Ok, on to the men. Like I said to the ladies with the missionary position, DO NOT just lie there. This is the time to play with her breasts or ass, don’t GRAB them, play with them. Scratch down her back (without drawing blood) and watch her arch into you. Move with her by putting your legs on top of her heels and matching her rhythm. Hold onto her hips if that helps you. If you want to be real inventive while she is on top, sit up in a quasi Indian style position and wrap her legs around your body. This will give both of you deeper penetration, while also allowing you to be close to one another and kiss or hold.

You can do it put your ass into it! Doggy style is one of the most versatile positions there is. I will start with the men on this one. Please, be more inventive with this position! Do not just get behind us and start pumping. **News flash- It’s not that good of a feeling!!** Try pulling her hair, don’t tear it out, just pull or tug on it. Try holding her shoulder instead of her hips. Try kissing down her back or running your hand down her back, (both men and women please remember the goal is not to draw blood from your partner’s skin!) Try reaching under her and playing with her breasts, or better yet, her clit. One last important thing I want to touch on before moving onto the ladies. Under NO circumstances should you touch or try to put anything in our ass, especially without asking first. There are some women out there that enjoy this, **Sorry... had to throw up a little in my mouth there** but it is few and far between. If you want to have ass sex, go find a guy! Ok, I feel better. Moving on to the ladies. You, like the men, need to be more inventive with this position. Don’t just lay there on your knees! Push back against him. Try rotating your hips as if you were on top. And by all means, if he is banging your head into something, STOP HIM! You don’t enjoy it, so tell him!

Just to be close to you. Spooning is not one of my favorite ones, but it can still be enjoyable. This position can be difficult, and there is not a lot of variety to it. The best way I have found is to lay next to each other, ladies put one of your legs over his behind you. From there you need to find your rhythm together. The one thing I do like about this position is that it keeps you close together for those sensual kisses and sexy whispers.

I am now going to move on to one of my favorite things about sexual experiences. Oral, Ok people, take a deep breath, relax, and learn something.

I am going to start with the ladies. Give your man head, suck on the blow pop, a blow job, eat some tube steak, slob on the knob, or what ever you want to call it!! Though you may not enjoy it, or know what to do, give it to him. This will put you in control in the bedroom, and sometimes if you’re a ‘goddess on your knees’ it will get you things out of the bedroom too. I am one of the very few of my girlfriends that enjoy doing this, so I am going to give you some instructions to make it better for you and amazing to him.

For the Ladies:

1) Keep your lips and mouth moist at all times…dry heaving on a penis is not the most attractive look. Not to mention it will make it easier for you to please, and him to enjoy.

2) The number two rule of blow jobs: COVER YOUR TEETH!!! I can’t stress this enough! Wrap your lips around them, do something. There is nothing worse than teeth on a sensitive area like that.

3) Don’t just bob you head up and down like a yoyo? Do something different, run your tongue up and down the length, make circles around the girth with your tongue, take only the head in your mouth and lick around the shaft. Be inventive.

4) If you can’t ‘deep throat’, use your hand to simulate it. If you do it right, they won’t know or care about the difference. And, they would much rather feel the hand, than to feel you gag on it.

5) To spit or swallow, that is the eternal question. There is nothing I can tell you one way or another about this. It is a personal choice. Just remember, if you do spit, make sure you have something handy for the clean up. No one wants a mess everywhere.

6) Don’t forget about the attachments. These need attention just about as much as anything else.

7) If you are not one of us lucky girls that can pop your jaw out, take the time you need to relax before and during. No one wants to have sex with someone when they have lockjaw or TMJ. Take this time to kiss his penis, talk dirty to him, and kiss up his abdomen or down his thighs; just don’t forget what you are there for.

For the Men:

1) DO NOT HOLD OUR HEADS DOWN!!! If we want to come up, by God let us. If not, you might be nursing more than a hurt ego.

2) Do NOT pump yourselves up and down. Again, see above. All this will do is cause problems for us and your dick. Let us do our thing, if you don’t like it, then in a calm tone tell us what to do to make you feel better.

3) Keep it trimmed up down there, or shaved. There is nothing worse than coming up with a hairball! It’s really not all that hard, and most girls will be willing to help you with this!

4) Talking dirty to your woman can be very beneficial to both sides, however, the phrase “That’s right bitch, suck my cock!” is not your safest bet. Remember, her teeth are wrapped around the only thing you treasure in life, use your big head or lose your little one.

On to the men, give and you shall receive. This can be one of the most pleasurable experiences for women. Even if you don’t get her off, the sensations are worth it.

For the Men:

1) the most important rule of eating right is to LISTEN! It doesn’t matter if she is talking to you or just moaning. Listen and you will know when you are doing something right or wrong. We will tell you. It doesn’t matter how shy a woman is, when it comes to this most of them come out of there shell!

2) Contrary to popular belief it is NOT all about the TONGUE!! Yes, the tongue feels great, but you can’t forget about the clit. If there is one thing you focus on, make it the clit! Suck on it, nibble on it, and/or lick it, just DO NOT forget about it.

3) Fingering while doing this are a complete optional thing. Some like it some don’t. But if you are going to use them, don’t over do it. It doesn’t do anything for us when you are slamming away with your fingers and nothing else.

4) Fellas, no matter what the movies show, it is never ok to stick your face in a woman’s pussy and shake your head like a cheetah tearing up a prairie dog. Seriously, if that is your signature move, we might be here longer than I expected. Oh and another urban myth that doesn’t do ANYTHING is licking or humming the alphabet. Don’t do it!

5) For Pete’s sake, whatever you do, DON’T stop for any reason. We are not like you, we can’t just go right back to where we were. If you move, we are done and you have to start back at the beginning. If you think you have us close or any where near stay there, just like we do for you!

For the Ladies:

1) First rule of having a guy want to go down on you, keep yo’ shit trimmed up or shaved! As I said to the men earlier, it is not fun to come up with a hair ball! Plus, it makes it feel better when there is nothing in the way, if you get what I mean. If you can’t afford to get waxed or you are scared to shave alone, ask your man to help. Even bathroom grooming can turn into foreplay.

2) Tell him what feels good and what doesn’t! Most men are not too confident in this area, so they need to know what you are into and not into. Use your voice ladies, speak up and tell him. If you are scared to speak out, use your hands to point or slowly guide him where you want him.

Conclusion:

I hope some of this has helped all or any of you, whether it is just for a laugh, or if you actually learned something. I write these to help take some of this flood of information and experiences off of my mind, but mostly I write to help everyone out in the ‘love’ and ‘sex’ departments. Just remember this, if nothing else. Sex, like relationships, has to be equal on both sides and be talked about, either beforehand, afterwards, or during. TALK TO EACH OTHER PEOPLE! You would be amazed at how much better sex and relationship you can have!!

**I promise I am working on the Clit piece, just bare with me. The sexual goddess that I am needed even more research..!! (Accepting applications for research study partners...)**

2006-10-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

Dating for Dummies:
A guide to dating a REAL WOMAN

As you all know, I am back in the single scene. This sucks all around for numerous reasons, but mostly I just hate putting myself out there for all the idiots to find me, and believe me they do. This seems to be the general progression of things in my life; Meet a guy, have interest in a guy, date a guy, have sex with a guy, guy disappears. Now, don't get me wrong.. I have had some dayum fine looking luvahs in my life, but they were only around for the sexual goddess I tend to be. ::wink:: So, because I keep running into the same things with these dummies, I have decided to help you guys out a little bit.

**Warning- I am not meaning to 'man bash.' I am equally pissed at all of you... he he**

1) When you are interested in a girl, tell her! Get over yourself and what your 'buddies' might think. She is not going to laugh at you or degrade you. As women, we usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Yes, physical attraction is just as big to us as it is to you, but that is not the only thing we judge on, unlike you. We love personality, humor, and affection just as much as we do looks, if not more. If you can tell us we are beautiful and mean it we will love you, but if you can make us laugh we will love you forever. Most of us women are naturally shy, MOST, because we have been laughed at, degraded, or thrown away. This is because, unfortunately, we give men the power when it comes to relationships and attraction, so we tend to get hurt a lot and hold that against all of you in general. Yet, in spite of this, we still look for that one that will make us smile and our hearts melt. So again I will say, if you are interested in her, TELL HER!

2) Once you have established that there is some kind of mutual interest, keep it going. Don't just lay back and let her do all the work when it comes to moving that interest forward. Step out of your comfort zone, like we do for you, and ask her out, surprise her, or flat out tell her that you want to try dating. Let me explain that last statement a little better.
A. Ask her out. This doesn't mean that you need to take her to an expensive dinner, a movie, or anything that will cost any money. We like just spending time with someone to get to know them. Find out what they like, for example: If they like the outdoors, ask to take her for a walk or drive in the woods. It really is that simple, you don't need to spend money to impress us. Show a little thought with out of the ordinary thinking and it will go a long way!
B. Surprise her. Again, this doesn't mean spend money. Most women enjoy the simplest things in life. Do something to just let her know that you thought of her. Send a text message, an email, or just stop by her work or house out of the blue to say hi. If you do spend money, don't spend a lot. This means if you know that she likes monkeys and you see a sticker, key chain, or anything small and silly get it for her. This will tell her that you thought of her and that will mean more than flowers or anything else. Speaking of flowers, if this something you like to do for your lady, at least do something out of the ordinary! Don't be like every other man in the world and give her roses. It doesn't matter if they are red, white, or rainbow they are still roses and that takes absolutely no thought to buy roses. Purchase a single tulip or a bunch of garden flowers if you really want to impress her.
C. Flat out tell her you want to try dating. This is not a commitment! Just because you are dating does not mean that you are stuck with her or that you will marry her. It is just DATING. That's the reason we date, so that we can get to know you and you know us. If it works, then great! If not, then the world is not going to attack you. Let me just say one thing though, even though it is just dating does not mean that you can date two or three girls at the same time. If you want to do that, then tell the girl up front. She will either be ok with it or not.
This may seem like a lot of work or effort, but it really is not if you truly have an interest in the girl. These are things that should come from you without much effort, the same as they do her.

3) Once you have established you both have an interest in dating, DO NOT make it all about sex. Don't go from the guy she likes for his humor and/or looks to the pervert that won't leave her alone. We like sex as much, if not more, than most men. But that does not mean that we want to be groped, told about it, or talk about it all the time! I am an odd girl in this respect, I love sex. I can talk about it all the time, but I also know that there is a time and place for it. If you want to let your girl know that you want to have sex do it in an unconventional way. Don't just say 'So, am I getting any tonight?', this will most likely garner a 'No' response in some form or another. Don't walk up to her and grab a handful of butt or breast. **Newsflash- THIS DOES NOTHING FOR US!** If you want to get something started, gently kiss on the neck, run a finger down the arm or cheek, or simply kiss us in a 'non throat check with your tongue' way. Yes, it really is that simple. As I have said before, it is the littlest things in life that matter most.

4) Now that you have established a mutual interest and have started dating, do not.. I repeat DO NOT, stay around if things are not going good or say things you don't mean or feel. This will only prolong the inevitable. If you aren't into her, tell her. We all know that if she isn't in to you then she is going to tell you in one way, shape, form or fashion. It's just that simple. You don't have to tell us you love us for us to stay with you. You don't have to say that you want to be with us forever either. A little more clearly, don't say what you think, think being the key word, we want to hear. Most, of the time it's going to be the wrong thing or only cause problems in the long run.

5) One of the most important things to remember is communication. I can't stress this enough. Calm down boys. This does not mushy, gushy talks or talking about feelings, it simply means that you need to remember that you are with that person for a reason so you need to talk to them. Whether it is about something that you did or happened to you, listening to her on something that she did or that happened to her, or just a conversation of any kind. If there is a problem, don't blow it off. Deal with it right then and there, it will make life a lot easier than letting it fester like a zit, getting bigger and bigger until it just explodes one day and neither one of you know what caused it. Nine times out of ten we are going to probably get upset with whatever it is, but if you tell us beforehand or soon there after it will calm down a lot quicker and be a hell of a lot easier to deal with and move on from.

6) The other most important thing is sex. Yes, I said sex. As I said before, we like this aspect of a relationship the same, if not more than you. The first rule of sex is this: If you get it once, DO NOT DISSAPPEAR! This will only cause more anger and problems for other people down the road. *This goes for the ladies too!* Don't take a girl out, have sex with her and then never talk to her again. It doesn't work that way. That makes you look like a complete ass and us feel like idiots because we fell for the game. Once you are having sex, don't let it just be sex. No, this doesn't mean 'make love' **huge barfing sound inserted here**. This means, be inventive, aggressive, willing to try new things, and mostly willing to be taught and LISTEN! Just because you're last partner said you were good in bed, doesn't mean it will be the same with the next. Every man and woman is different in their needs and wants. Listen to what your partner has to say and try to do it. At the same time, let your partner know what you DON'T want too. If there is something that turns you off or disgusts you, then tell them! Don't let them think they are your new sex god, when you don't like what they are bestowing upon you. It really is that simple. Some of the best luvahs I have ever had were because they gave and received instructions well.

Conclusion:
I have written all of the above for much reason. One, because I have a lot of male friends in my life and these are a lot of the issues they deal with on a constant basis. They want to find that girl that makes them happy and carefree, but, like us women, have problems sorting the bad from the good. The second reason is, well, because I hope that some of the guys in my life that I am interested in or have dated will read this and understand what I have been trying to say. And, lastly, because I am sick of being treated like dirt or a piece of meat. As I said before, I am back in the 'dating' scene and it sucks. Guys, even at my age, still want to find a piece of ass. While this might be good for some of you, and we all know I heart a good piece myself, we are older and wiser now. Let's grow up, and have a real relationship before we are all 80, please. This doesn't mean go out and jump into a committed relationship, but let's not make it all about the sex. If we go out and have a good time, let that be it. Don't push for sex, and by all means, dayum sure don't ask for it. Because if you ask for it, it doesn't matter if we were thinking of giving you a little or not, you dayum sure aren't getting it now. I hope this has cleared a few things up, or even just gave you a good laugh.. Either way I feel better for having said it and am now moving on. ::wink::

**Stay tuned for Sex for Dummies: Your friend and mine, the Clitoris.**

My Best Neighbor Friends

2006-10-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again. I survived yesterday. Not with exceeding success, but I survived none the less. A lot of that has to do with two of the best neighbors a person could ask for. And because of that I would like to tell you why they are that way, at least to me.

I'll start with Pegs...
I met Pegs about 7 years ago, 7 YEARS??.. Wow.., through a, at the time, mutual friend of ours. We have since weeded that other friend out so it could be just the two of us, he he. It was pretty much down hill from there, LOL. Over the years we have fought, cared, been there, fought some more, learned, lost ,and mostly loved. Without her I don't know if I could have survived the last 7 or so years of my life. She is.. Well, let me just make a list.. LOL

1. She is one of the strongest women I know. She knows what she wants in life, and is willing to do anything to get it. Some times to a fault, but never completely forgetting herself and others either. She has been through so much in life, but hasn't let anything stop her. Things that some other people can never even imagine, or begin to cope with.
2. She is one of the funniest people I know. I once left her a comment on a blog she wrote that said, "You make a dreary day fade away into laughter." I don't know where this came from, but since I wrote it I have thought more and more about it. I have finally figured out that was the best way to describe her, in my eyes. She makes just the right comment at some of the best, and worst times, better than anyone I know. It doesn't matter what the situation is, she has a crack for everything. She see things in so many different lights than others, and for that she is a absolute comedian!
3. She is one of the greatest loves of my life. I am one of those people that believe in soul mates, but not to the conventional methods. I believe that a soul mate does not have to be of the opposite gender or be someone you marry and sleep with. In my eyes they are people put on this earth to meet and either, balance each other's personality differences out or fit together like puzzle pieces. She is my balance.
4. She has taught me so much, with so little words. This is a hard one to explain, but I have learned a lot from her. Without her who knows where I would be today.

I eff'n heart you, Pegs!

On to Al... Hmmm.. Al. How to describe this... Well, I met Al about 4 years ago through, of course, Pegs. Although Al will be one to tell you that he knew me in school and a former menial job of mine. I would like to say that I remembered him, or knew him, but I can't. Not because he didn't mean anything, but simply because I don't remember a lot from that time of my life. **Different story for another time.. LOL**
As I said earlier, I believe there are people put on this earth to find each other. Al is my puzzle piece. We are 'two peas in a pod,' 'peas and carrots,' or 'PB&J' how ever you want to say it. We are so similar in most things, and so very different in others. He, like I, is a huge romantic at heart, though it takes a lot to pull that out. But for that right person, it just flows out endlessly. Not always a good thing, but again for the right one it is. Here are some things that I have learned about Al over the past few years.

1. He loves like there is no tomorrow. Once you earn his love, it is something you will never be without. The best part is that he lets you know that. Some people will love you so much, but never let you know, not Al. He is the quintessential 'Lover, not a fighter' man. And for that he will always hold a piece of my life and heart.
2. He is one of the best listeners around. It doesn't matter what is going on in his life, he will always have an open ear. Most will never use it, but it is wonderful to know that if and when you need it it's there. Not only does he listen, but he actually hears. He takes everything you say and processes it, and then comes up with something that will either make you bust out into a fit of laughter or make you cry and understand your situation a little better.
3. He is the biggest kid. Sometimes, when things are so hectic in your life it is glorious to know that you can count on Al to do something silly to get a laugh out of you. Whether it is to tell a corny joke or play fight, it's enough to take your mind off things for a while.
4. He, again like me, enjoys the simple things in life. The simplest pleasures or moments in life, mean the most. And for that he will be the best neighbor friend I will ever have.

For all of these reasons, is why I will love these two neighbors for the rest of my life. Through good and bad, ups an downs, and anything else that will come our ways. They are my best neighbors, but mainly they are the loves of my life and for that I thank them eternally. There are not words to describe how much they mean to me, so I will just say.... I love you both, and look forward to many, many years of friendship and love. Thank you for always being there for me, and trusting me to help you both in your times of need also.

A Little Explanation

2006-10-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

Here I am... Things have been hectic lately, and I haven't really taken the time to blog, or anything else for that matter. This is a bad time of year for me. Everyone has their own personal “sad” time, for one reason or another, and this season is mine. It generally starts a little before my birthday, as I said in the last blog, and ends somewhere around Halloween. There are a lot of reasons that this is a bad time for me. Some mundane and not all that interesting to anyone but me, and some that only I will ever know. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, people putting their thoughts, feelings, stories, tragedies, and over all life out there for the world to see. Some say that it feels better to just let it out. That the anonymity of the internet helps in the fact that you can say what you want, that it doesn't matter if people judge you on it or not. They say it's just nice to get those things out that 95% of people keep locked inside for fear of judgment and disgrace. I am one of the 95% of people that keep things locked inside. I have this box, back in the darkest places of my mind. I keep a lot locked in there, for fear that if it got out, I would be judged, ridiculed, or embarrassed. I live my life the way I live it, some like it, some don't, but it's the way I choose to live it. Even though I live freely, I still worry about the shame from my past evils. I wouldn't change anything about my life, and I have no regrets, but there are choices that I have made that I don't wish upon anyone. Ok, ok, already... I will stop stalling and get on with it. I am going to share something that very, very few people know about me. It all starts about 6 years ago...

This could take a while...

In 2000, I met the love of my life. As in any relationship, things were hard, but it made it harder on us/me because 6 months after meeting he was stationed 1,500 miles away. We continued to try and date, but it didn't always work. It was on one of the splits, in late December of 2000, that I met Zach. Zach was a cutie, he was sweet and funny. He was also here and that was more appealing than anything else. I knew deep down that I could never really get involved seriously with him, because my heart was 1,500 miles away with LOML. Yet, even though I knew this, I still dated Zach for about 3 months. When Zach and I split, of course, LOML came swooping back into my life. I could never, and probably still couldn't, refuse him. This time it only last about a month or so, before he was calling it quits again. He said he just couldn't do it anymore, that we were just better off moving on with our lives. Talk about heartbreak! So, in May of 2001 I moved to Jayville. I still to this day don't really know why, but I did. While there, LOML visited numerous times for one reason or another. We never tried to start anything up again; we just enjoyed each others company while he was there. In August of 2001, the friends I was living with started having a lot of marital problems, and I figured it was time for me to go. I left for many reasons, but the main being that I didn't know if I could handle seeing LOML many more times without breaking my heart more each time. So, I went back to Paradise . Through out all of this time, nothing out of the ordinary happened, until I moved back. My parents were really upset with me that I had just up and moved away, so I couldn't stay with them. So, for a while I basically lived out of my car or on friend’s couches. It was the beginning of September that I noticed something was wrong. I had been feeling odd for a while, but nothing that really threw up a red flag. I have always had problems with reflux and heartburn, never been completely regular for that girly time thing, and have always had issues with my weight. But this time, I just couldn't put my finger on it. So, a friend of mine decided we should go to the doctor. Imagine my surprise when they told me that I was pregnant.

Oh my fucking god?!?!!

Are you kidding me???

Yeah, you heard me.... Things start running through my head. When? Who? How? I had only been with two men that year, and one of them supposedly had a vasectomy, the other I hadn't seen or had sex with since March. How the hell was this possible??!? Then the lovely nurse told me that I was about 8 to 8 1/2 months along.

WHAT??!?!??

You’re telling me that at pretty much any day I could have a baby?? No, there has got to be something wrong. I can't be pregnant... let alone THAT pregnant. I've had my period off and on for the last 8 months. I didn't get sick, well only with the stomach flu, that both of my friends had too. I haven't gained weight, ok well maybe a few pounds, but that was because I just lost the love of my life. And I certainly don't have a big pregnant belly! Yes, I am a big girl, but c'mon now... I am not THAT much over weight that I wouldn't be able to tell if there was a baby in there. What the hell???!?

It was after I got all this out, that the nurse calmly told me again, I was 8 to 8 1/2 months pregnant. And yes, it is possible to have your period throughout a pregnancy, to not gain that much weight, and not to have sickness. She then told me that I need to get to a doctor as soon as possible, to make sure that the baby and I are both healthy. She starts talk to me about all the options…

Options

Was she kidding me? What options do I have?? I am way too far along to think about aborting. But yet, I can't possible keep the baby... I am practically living out of my car for heaven's sake!!

Then she mentions adoption.

Adoption

Even now, when I say or hear this word I think of people that can't have babies. Or I think of my innocent childhood ideas and plans of adopting when I grew up. I rationalized that it would be silly to bring a child into the world, when I could adopt. Like I said... Childhood innocence…

Oh God, what was I going to do?

Adoption?

It's the only option that makes sense. I am 8 to 8 1/2 months along, I am living out of my car, and I don't have a steady job.... yet, could I do that? Can I live with that decision? Hell, it's not like I am 15 or 16 years old... I am 21, about to be 22 in a couple of weeks. But what life could I give a baby with the circumstances I am living in?

The nurse made me an appointment with a doctor. My first obstetrician appointment… It is a day that I will never forget, for many reasons. One of the main ones being that it was September 11th, 2001. Yep, I remember where I was... I was, like the song says, 'driving down a cold interstate.'

It was in the waiting room that the thought occurred to me, I have no idea where Zach is. I knew that it was his baby, but how was I going to find him? Oh God, how in the hell was I going to tell LOML???!? He was still in my life, though there was nothing going on between us, he was still there. How do you tell someone that you are pregnant, by another man? Let alone, that you had been with him while being pregnant by that other man.

**Side note- I did eventually tell LOML. It wasn't exactly peaches and cream, but he was ok. He understood the decision I made and was still choosing to stay in my life.**

After my doctor's appointment, I met with the adoption agency. There's that word again... “Adoption” How was I going to do this? What would they think? Would they think about me giving up a child at my age? Would they think I was a horrible person? I certainly did.

The woman I spoke with was nice. Shit! How would I make her understand that I was not a tramp, whore, or some other degrading word for women? How would I prove to her that I was not just taking the easy way out? That I wasn't just giving up a baby so I could continue on with my life like it was? Most importantly, how was I going to tell her I had no idea where the father of the baby was?? After listening to me trying to explain all of this to her, she told me to do what I could and that we would cross that bridge when we got there.

I did eventually get in touch with Zach, and he came in to talk to the adoption counselor. He knew what needed to be done and had no problem in doing what he needed to do. How awkward is that? To see somebody for the first time in 6 months, just to tell them that you are pregnant with their child and giving it up for adoption. Thankfully, he was the same Zach I once fell for, understanding and thoughtful. He was concerned about me and agreed with me on almost everything. He didn't question me, or want to battle it out; he trusted me and went along with it all.

Less than a month later, I was induced. On October 2nd, 2001 at 8:43 am I gave birth to a 6lbs 10ozs little boy.

I never saw him.

This is something I think I will always regret, but everyone around me thought it would be better. I was so detached from everything that I let others make the decisions. Looking back I will not complain. I know they had the best intentions, and who knows, they were most likely right.

I gave him a name and signed away my rights all in the same day.

He was adopted by a very loving, giving, and happy couple. I know that he is in the best hands, and that I did the right thing. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me feel better.

Today, that little boy is 5 years old.

That means that in 13 more years he has the right to find me. Will he?
If he does will he hate me? I don't know, but God I hope not. I hope that he understands that I did the best I thought I could by him. I hope that he understands that it wasn't that he was unwanted, but that I wanted him to have the life that I couldn't provide to him. He didn’t ask to be brought into the world, or to live a life of struggle. I gave him up so he could have the life he deserved.

He deserved everything that I couldn't give him.

I was given pictures of him over the first year of his life. Since then, I haven't received anything. I understand the parents reasoning, honestly I do, but at the same time I guess I am being selfish. I would like to see what he looks like. I would like to know that he is enjoying life and everything it has to offer him.

It makes it hard some times to look at Jerrod and not wonder what if they share the same traits. Does he look like Jerrod? Because in the pictures I do have of him, they are the spitting images of each other. I love Jerrod more than anything in the world, but I still wonder about my older son. I still wonder if he will question that almost exactly two years later I had another child, and kept it. I wonder if he will understand that so much can change in two years time. I wonder if he will understand that I didn't want to give him away, but did what I felt best for him. I still wonder a lot, I still hurt, I still feel ashamed, I still question. I still feel... everything and nothing at the same time.

But mostly I still love.

Birthday Thoughts

2006-09-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

Ok people.. I am back, and I am going to repeat myself here... I would like to say that I have been away for so long because I have miraculously found a life, but I can't. Life has been the same old thing, nothing new and exciting to talk about. Jerrod, is the same. Still pushing his limits on how far he can take things, yet he has recently become a little more loving from time to time. Take for instance, last Friday nite Jerrod stayed with my parents so Al and Pegs could take me out for my annual day, oh by the way.. Just want to give a public Thank You, to them.. I had a GREAT time that night! Luv you guys!. So, back to the story, I picked him up Saturday morning and we came back home. We played and did our normal weekend thing, but at one point he looked at me and asked me to hold him. This doesn't sound all that weird to you, but for my little man, it is. I picked up and put him in my lap, he threw an arm around my neck and said "Momma, I love you." I said "I love you too, baby." And then it happened..... Now, I have told you all before, I am not a real girly-girl.. I am not all that emotional, nor do I really care to be, but dayumit.. What my little man said to me next, put me on my knees. He looked me in the face and said, "Momma, you're my best friend." Now tell me that doesn't pull on your heart strings, because I know it pulled at mine big time!
Moving on....
So, as I mentioned earlier... I recently went through an annual day. This is not usually a big thing to a lot of people, and to me it's just another day. Let me explain here... Honestly, the day is 27 years old.. There is nothing special about it anymore. There is no big party to go to with special gifts or cakes. There is no big deal. But every year about the time this annual day rolls around I start thinking. Thinking.... What have I done with my life? I am sure this is a question that everyone asks themselves at one point or another throughout the years, but I only seem to do it around that time of year. So, after spending the better part of the last two weeks thinking about it here are something that I have come up with:

1. I was the one of the very few in my family that completed school.
2. I have many failed relationships and one very failed marriage.
3. I have a child that I would give up anything and everything for.
4. I have friends that I would go to the ends of the earth to help and protect, and I am almost positive they would do the same for me.
5. I am not okay with my life as it is right here and now.
6. I have a wonderful family that would help me with anything they could.
7. I am tired of being thrown away, used, abused, and left behind.
8. I have a job that I love.
9. I don't know what I would do without any and all of the above, because they have made me the person I am today. I may not always be happy with the person I am, or the situation I am in, but I know that no matter what I am loved and things will eventually work themselves out or lead me to a crossroads and point me in the right direction.

So, this is where I stand with my life right now.... I don't know what is going to happen with, and I am not sure that if I could know, that I would want to. I am sad and happy with that, but as in everything else.. There are many conflicting emotions with everything, and especially me.

Pains and Scars

2006-08-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

Ok... So it's been a while, but I am back. I would say that I was back and better than ever, as the saying goes, but I won't. So, let's get started with the updates.

Nothing has happened with LOMLPBG since the last time. Although I do have some interesting news, LOML called me. YEAH! Nothing real exciting, but I still get those dayum butterflies every time he calls. I can't explain it... I wish I could. I just know that every time I hear from him, whether it be in person, on the phone, or hell even an email the butterflies return. Why is that? I know that he is the love of my life and all, but shouldn't that feeling have dissipated by now? I mean, it has been since 2004 since I last saw or spoke to the man. Why does he have that pull over me? Is it because there was never really an end to our relationship? Or is it that mystical creature Cupid that keeps bringing us back together? Now, don't get me wrong.. I am not a firm believer in 'soul mates' or 'true loves', but it's kind of odd to me that no matter what we always end up finding each other... Maybe someone could help me out with this?

Moving on.... There is some news on Steve. Some might call it good, for the sake of Jerrod that is, but I call it annoying. Well, not so much annoying as just why the hell couldn't he just stay where he was and out of my life? Oh well, I guess Jerrod does need his sperm donor around for something... Haven't figured out what that something is yet, but when I do I will let you know. So, he is back in town. Yet, he hasn't made an attempt to call or see Jerrod. But did you really expect different? I sure as hell didn't. He's got a new girl to play with. Hopefully she will wise up and get away from him soon. I know who the girl is, but I have vowed to myself to stay out of it. It's not that I am the jealous ex, because believe me.. With her around that keeps him off my ass, but I just don't want to see anyone else put through what I have been through.. Does that make sense? But I know that no matter what, if I try to contact her or let her know in anyway what she is getting into, I will look like that jealous ex, so I will keep my vow and stay out of it. Oh well.. You can't save the world right?

So, as for news on me you might ask... Well there is a little bit. None of it too terribly interesting. I know for me it isn't and it's my life.. LOL. There are no new guys in the neighborhood, although Jefferson did call yesterday and say that he might be making a road trip down to see me. That would be nice, but then again why keep something going when there is really nothing there but the intimacy. We'll see I suppose. I haven't heard from Shaine recently, I did get a couple of interesting emails from him before I went in for ER surgery, but nothing since then. Oh yeah, I guess you are curious as to the ER surgery huh? Well, as with everything else, it's nothing too interesting, but I will tell you anyway.. LOL. So, August 9th started like any other day.. Get up, get me and the monkey dressed, go to school and work, go to lunch with BBE and Pegs, yet this is where is goes a little a wry. After lunch I started having some pains in the chest region. At first I was concerned, but just thought that I was too young for anything major. Granted I am not in the best shape, but nothing has ever really made me consider myself 'unhealthy.' Well, as the day wore on, the pains got worse. I finally made a call to my darling mother, she (along with one of the older ladies I work with) thought it sounded like indigestion. Let me say that I have never in my life had a case of 'indigestion' like that, but I went along with it. So a little while later, I give in. I call MDM back again, and inform her that I don't care how stupid I look or feel, but something is majorly wrong take me to the ER now. At this point, the pain has reached the level of about a 7 or 8 on the little hospital chart. So, after so rearranging of vehicles and people she gets Jerrod and then me and off to the ER we go. By the time we get there and they get me in a room, 1 hour and 45 minutes later, I am at a 11 or 12 on the stupid hospital scale. Now let me say, I have always had the impression that I have a pretty dayum high pain tolerance, so for me to get that high I was in some serious pain. So bad in fact, that I lost what lunch was left in my stomach, not that you needed or wanted to know that, but hey.. It's my blog and I will tell you and you will listen.. LOL. Back to the story... After two doctors, two nurses, an EKG, an ultrasound, and some dayum fine pain meds they discover that I have gall stones and my gall bladder is inflamed. They tell me that I have two options, either control it with pain meds on a constant basis or go ahead and have the thing taken out. Of course, remembering the pain I was in, I opt for the latter. Let me stop here and explain something.. I live in Paradise, this we all know, but did you know that Paradise is one of the smallest cities in this state? Well, now you do and what I am about to say happen will make more sense to you now that you know. As we are waiting for the docs to come back with a verdict of when I will go under the knife, the ER goes nuts.. Nurses running, docs suiting up, lights flashing... Apparently there has been a plane crash somewhere in a 543 mile radius and it is coming to this hospital. So, I get bumped, told that I will be sent home with pain meds and to call a surgeon the next day to schedule a follow up appointment. Wait... Hold the phone... You are telling me that 14 minutes ago, I was in dire need of surgery, and now you are sending me home with a 'take two tylenol and call me in the morning' prescription?? Apparently so... So, I do as I am told and go home to MDM's where AFL has Jerrod and MWF are waiting. So, this is where is gets not so interesting, so I will just give you a quick run down.. I call the doc, go in first thing Friday morning, he says it's coming out today, call all the necessary people to rearrange everything from pickups to off days, they get me prepped, take it out, I spend the night in the hospital, I go home, few days later get all 13 staples removed. And that's where we are today.. a few other thing thrown in for good measure, but .. You got it.. Nothing too exciting... LOL. I will be back eventually with more I am sure. Till then.. Have a good time and remember to tip your waitress's...

And the stallking continues...

2006-08-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ok people.. I am back, yet again. I am trying to keep up with this thing better, but as you read the last time things have been CRAZY lately. I have a few updates on the LOMLPBG situation, so let's get started.

Yesterday started as a normal day, thank goodness!, and then it happened. Yep, you got it.. another page on the world's most popular personal spaces. LOMLPBG had started another page, this time not as threatening, but she took all the pictures off of my page and changed all my words around. Basically, she was trying to make it look like it was me, just me being a psycho me. And we start again. After a few emails, and name changes I finally got sick enough of the situation and gave in. Yeah, I know.. I am a wimp.. but look, I had to get a good night's sleep. I was tired of all the drama and high school BS. After that everything stopped. Jump to today.. again, another normal beginning to the day and then.... the phone rings. Who do you think it was?? Nope, not the LOMLPBG, but LOML himself. Yep, he finally logged into his personal space and found the messages. So, after trying to figure it out for a while we just kind of gave up. He is going to do some questioning of both LOMLPBG and LOMLPBEW (Love of my life's psycho bi**h ex wife), but I don't know that he will really come up with anything. It's like I told Pegs, as long as he knows what is going on and that it's not me, let him deal with the psychos! We chatted for a while, just kind of catching up on things and sharing a few memories. It was nice actually. Although I feel like I have been thrown back a few years and feel all the 'What If's' popping back in my head. Lord knows I loved this man with everything I had, but why am I still hung up on him? I have a few reasons and thoughts on the matter, but it doesn't matter. Whatever will be, will be.. right? By the way... I HATE that saying.. LOL. Everything else in my life is pretty much the same. Just thought I would stop in and give you a quick update.. I will be back soon, hopefully..LOL.. Till then.. take care all!

Why is everybody always picking on me?

2006-08-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah.. I know.. I am a bad blogger. But as you will soon see there was a good reason. Life has been, to put it mildly, crazy lately. Ok, so you are wondering why right? Well, I am going to tell you. So grab a bowl of popcorn, a nice cold drink of your choosing (Grab me a margarita while you're at it), and settle in for a nice little story. I am going to take you back, to a time not so far away (Last Wednesday nite), in the land of Paradise.

Are you ready now? .... Ok, here we go.
Last Wednesday nite, me and Jerrod went to Peggy and Al's (You should already know this if you keep up with our stuff, like everyone should.. LOL) so that I could yank Peg's thick hair through some of the smallest holes I have ever seen in my life. But, if I do say so myself, it turned out great! ::blows on fingers and rub chest to make them shine:: While we there Jerrod was acting a little strange.. Okay, stranger than usual.. LOL. I was afraid he was getting sick again, so after dinner and finishing Peg's hair we went on home. Now, fast forward to Thursday morning around 7:30 or so..... After realizing that I had once again slept through the most horrible noise in the world, the alarm clock, I got up to check on Jerrod and start our morning ritual. Let's just say there was nothing normal about this day.. After realizing that Jerrod had a fever, giving him some meds, and calling in sick to work I turned on my bring with you anywhere to get on the internet device to tell Peg's that I wouldn't be at work and to check on her hair. (It was still cooking when I left her house the night before) As usual, when I turn on my portable device I open up the yellow man instant conversation first, then to the yellow man fast letter service, and finally that place where 40,001 people go to have their pesonal lives out in space. Nothing to odd about all of that right, right.. but here is where it gets even more interesting. After pulling up the personal space page, I notice that I have a message from someone I don't know. Upon opening said message this is what I find: "I WIN!!!!, See you haven't made it out the poor house yet." Ok, when you figure out what that means would someone please let me know, because I have NO idea! So, not knowing who it is from or having any clue what it means I click on the little thing that takes me to that person's personal space. What I find there not only disturbs me to my core, but scares me. I am not going to go into details with this because, honestly, I don't want to go there again. But let's just say that it wasn't very nice. In fact, most people would take it as a threat. Me, being most people, took it exactly that way and called in the troops. Meaning I called my loverly cousin with the local serve and protect people and told her about it. Of course, she made it a point to have someone there and, well.. I am sure you can figure it out from there. Skipping a little forward here to that afternoon... After writing the psycho back and forth a couple of times.. not to mention the wonderful job done by the Best Friends Detective Agency.. I was finally able to guess who it was... I am going to take you back even further right now to kind of explain some things before I go on with the story. Jump back to the year 2000... Are ya with me?
Good.
At this time in my life I was hanging around a lot of different people than I do now. Just to give you a run down real quick... Peg's- before she met Al; Megan- friend that has known me for 15 years; BTF- Best Texas Friend; and BTFH- A fore mentioned's then hubby, no longer so, also known as Shaine.. yes, the same one. BTF and BTFH had a lot of parties that I attended and we all became really good friends. At one of these parties BTFH decided that I would make the perfect rebound girl for a friend of his who was recently seperated. So, he introduced us. From that point on, it was the four of us everywhere. Wayne, LOML, was his name and it was lust at first sight, which turned into more later on. We dated, off and on, for 3 1/2 years and have always remained friends regardless of the situation. Recently, on the world's most popular personal space, he found me again. ::Note- I had not seen or spoken to him before that since the year 2004:: And this is where I jump back into the story... With me?
Here we go...
So, after figuring out that it was Tammy, LOMLPBG, I couldn't help but think.. Why is the chick so freaked out by the fact that we are talking? I mean it is just talking, nothing funny, just catching up on the past couple of years of our lives. Even funnier is the fact that she threatened me and the well being of my child when they are 6 STATES AWAY! Yeah, you heard me.. 6 STATES AWAY!! How psychotic and jealous do you have to be to be worried about a girl that you're current man hasn't seen in two years and is 467,982 miles away??? I ask you.. to me, it just doesn't make sense. Although, I will admit, it does make a girl feel proud that she can cause that much jealousy.. Dayum I'm good.. LOL (Soooo just kidding) That is part of the reason I have been away for a while.. on to the next part of the story.

So Saturday night, as you know by reading Peg's blog, there was a boxing match. Of course I had to go and watch it seeing as how Roy Jones Jr. is a local boy, and not too mention HOTT!! So we went.. ahhh you caught that did ya. Yes, we. Me and Jefferson. Yeah, that's right.. Jefferson. We had a good time. Which is a good thing seeing as how he leaves in a week or so. After watch Al and the wafer like boy fight it out for a while, we took off back to our part of Paradise. Nothing too exciting to talk about here, but I am glad I got to spend time with him before he leaves. Yet another reason I have been away.. moving on.

So, amazingly enough.. Steve told the truth! Shocker, huh? Yeah, that's the way I felt too.. He did come in town this past weekend like he said he was going to. We met for breakfast Sunday morning so we could pass Jerrod from one parental unit to, well the absent parent. Wasn't all that bad, but it really confirmed for me that it was so over with us. Oh, live and learn right? That night when he brought Jerrod back was when it was interesting. He stayed around while I got Jerrod ready for bed and then wanted to 'talk.' So we talked, or rather I talked and he cried. It really was sad, but like I told him.. I don't feel sorry for you that you are crying. You brought this all upon yourself. I didn't know what else to tell him. I did also tell him that he should have felt like this 2 or so years ago, and then maybe things wouldn't have gone so bad between us. Oh well.. life goes on.

So.. that's been what's going on in my life.. pretty interesting if I say so myself. But, I would hope that things go back to the norm real quick. Funny isn't it? When life is boring we want excitement, when life is exciting we want it calm again.. Guess it's true what they say.. No one is ever truly and completely happy. So, until next time fans.. I'm gone.

I'm here.. quit you're bitching. :)

2006-07-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

Ok.. so after being yelled at to write I am back. LOL
I would like to say that I haven't been around because I have been busy, but I can't. I have just been a little lazy.. LOL. Ok, so on to the real news... Oh wait, I don't have anything like that either.. Hmm.. let me think... Nope, nothing. Oh well, you can just all listen to me ramble for a little bit. I promise it won't turn into another fish analogy!

As usual, I will start with Steve. There actually is quite a bit of news here, but I will only touch on some things. It's really not worth my time or yours to type it all out and in the process get all pissy again. I talked to him earlier this week. I told him, again, that I was filing for divorce, and as usual he did the normal please don't but I understand thing. Yet, in the same day completely contradicted himself... will he ever learn? For his sake, I hope he does. I don't wish anyone to be single the rest of their lives, everyone needs someone. It just was not meant in any way to be us.. ha ha. He needs to grow up, realize that there are other people in this world besides him and stop being so freaking selfish.. and that's just the start of this list. And, once again, he says that he is coming in town this weekend, and again I said that I would believe it when I see it. Supposedly he has an interview for a job down here, yeah you are questioning it too huh.. Oh well..

Ok.. on to another subject. I have to thank Al and Pegs. They bugged me and bugged me until I took Jerrod to his grandparents house and hung out with them. Well, I should really say party with them instead of hang out. The only I have to say is, now I remember why I haven't drank in almost 4 years.. LOL. There was a lot of interesting things that happened that night, but I will keep those to myself.. what?, did you really expect me to tell you all about my drunkenness... lmao! No way kiddo, not to mention I have tried to block a lot of it from my memory as it is.. LOL. I will admit that, until the sickness set in, it was fun. It reminded me of my 'hay days', which was nice, but it also reminded me that I am no where near as young as I once was.. LOL. But I am thinking of doing it, not to that extreme, again soon! LOL

So, Jefferson made an appearance this weekend also, yeah I know.. busy weekend! Let me tell ya.. that man is one tall.... dark.... and fine ass man. Although he did tell me that he was moving in 2 weeks. That SUCKS! But that's ok.. I have my eye on a few more neighbors.. LOL. I did hear from Shaine yesterday, though I am not sure why. He called to say hi, literally. But, that tells me that he is thinking about me, so that's a good thing! LOL There are a couple more, but won't really mention those until something more solid happens.. LOL.

Well, that's about all folks... I will be back eventually with more!

Fishing... is it really worth it?

2006-07-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

Hello again.. So, it is now Tuesday, although it feels like a lot more time than that has passed.. lol. Let's see.. what's been going on.. hmmm... wow, nothing really. Just the usual day to day things. The only real update I have is on Jefferson. It seems he didn't move after all, he has just been working odd shifts. Although I get the distinct feeling that he's not quite as interested as he once was. Oh well, there are more fish in the sea right? Lord, I hate that saying. Why is that when a woman is single they are all these 'fish' in the sea, yet she never has the right bait? Oh, there are plenty interested in the bait, just none of them seem to take it. Why is that? But, when a woman is with one of these mysterious fish, there are fish practically jumping in the boat? Am I the only one that sees the irony in this? And to look at it from a man's point of view, when a man is single they are considered 'sharks.' So if we are to take this analogy as it is, wouldn't you think the 'sharks' would be eating the women alive? No, apparently, 'sharks' are very picky eaters. Oh well, maybe one day I will reel in the big fish and eat like a queen for the rest of my life. Then again, I've never been a big seafood fan.. hmmmm.. I wonder, could this have something to do with the famine I have expierenced for a good protion of my life? Don't get me wrong.. in my 'hayday' I could catch some pretty dayum big fish, but most of them weren't up to 'code' and I had to throw them back. Oh, what I wouldn't give for those days again....
Wow.. didn't know that I could carry on a conversation about fishing for so long did ya. Well, niether did I.. LMAO.. seeing as how I have never been fishing (the real thing) in my life! Ok, I am sure you are all just as confused as I am.. so I am going to leave you to ponder this a while.. LOL
See you at a later time and date! LOL

Second chance for the second time?

2006-07-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

Well, hello there and welcome back to all of my loyal readers.. Yes, all three of you.. LOL
I have been away a few days, and lord at the stories I have to tell. But I will only give you highlights as usual, seeing as though most you will probably lose interest after the first few sentence. And really, who wants to read the biography of Marci anyway.. LOL. But anyhow, on to the highlights of my life lately. :)

As usually I will start with Steve... actually as sad as it is.. I have no updates or anything of real interest on him. I haven't spoken to him since the night of our soon to be ex-anniversary. And honestly, there was nothing really interesting said that night to report either. Just the usual b.s., so moving on... LOL

So since the last time I have written there has been a new item pop up. Another neighbor has moved into the cul de sac. And interestingly enough, he is also a divorcee. So, of course being the soon to be single that I am, I introduced myself. His name is Shaine and he is pretty dayum hott... LOL. We hit it off, so we will just have to see where it goes from here. But, it does seem like we have a lot in common, and neither one of us is interested in anything serious. But, as usual, I will keep you posted.. here's praying for something more interesting than what happened with good ol' Jefferson. Speaking of Jefferson, I guess he has moved out. Seeing as how I haven't seen or heard from him in nearly two weeks. As they say, 'It was fun while it lasted.'

Again, moving on....
So Pegs, Al, Jerrod, and I went to an 'old friends' house last night. Until recently, we hadn't seen nor talked to her in a few years. I have known her since my childhood and decided to give the friendship a chance for old times sake. It seems that she has found what she needed and has made some changes for the better in her life. But as always, we will just have to see. She is now married to a nice, and might I add cute, guy and they seem to be good for each other and good together. Anyway, back to the story... We went for a little get together with the five adult and four hellyuns, and it turned out to be a really great time. Bud, her husband, cooked some damn good sea creature on the grill. The hellyuns had a good time playing together and all the adults had a great time too. I must admit, that after nearly four years of solitude due to reasons beyond my control, it was nice to be with adults and just have a good time. Nice, not to have to worry about getting home or what the other half was doing and just relax, as much as possible with Jerrod LOL, and have a good time. Maybe this will become a recurring thing, who knows.

Ok, I think by this time you have probably heard enough and are ready to be moving on to things in your on life.. LOL. Just remember to come back yah' hear? LMAO..

4,000 and 1 miles

2006-07-05T08:55:00.001-07:00

Ok.. hold on to your hats folks, this is about to get ugly.
So today is NOT a good day. Not for any one reason, nope, but for all of them. It actually started last night. I took Jerrod to downtown Paradise to see the fireworks. (It was his first time seeing them) We went down there with the intention of meeting up with a friend, MaryLou, her husband Bill and her two kids, Collin and Paul. Well, let's just say that no one knew how to tell me how to get to where everyone was going to be, so I ended up parking 4,001 miles away. So after toting Jerrod 4,001 miles to finally find them, we get there and Jerrod decided to take a 'potty break'. Needless to say, I had to tote his very stinky butt back 4,001 miles to the car and change him. Well, that turned into an ordeal because it was EVERYWHERE! So, after getting him cleaned up as best I could, the fireworks were over and it was time to leave. Yeah right. We sat in traffic for 35 minutes before finally being able to drive the 5 minutes home. Ok.. moving on to today. (I told you it was about to get ugly) Well, first thing this morning, I wake up and realize that I didn't set my alarm and I have 7 minutes to make it to work. Yeah, ok. Not only did I still have to get dressed, get Jerrod dressed, and drive to work, I live 28 or miles from my job and Jerrod's daycare. So, needless to say, I was going to be a little late. Finally get everything in the car, including Jerrod, and go to back out. Well, for some reason there is not tension on the brake pedal.. later to find out that one of the seals on a cylinder is going out... after freaking out for a minute and then realizing that I still have brakes, I am finally on my way to work/daycare. Ok, get Jerrod dropped off and make it to work. I walk in and there are 18 (not kidding) messages for me of things that need to be done.. sounds like fun right? LOL While I am talking to boss #1 my mother calls. I answer and she so unfortunately reminds me for another reason for me to feel like a failure today, not on purpose mind you. You see, today, three years ago is when Steve and I signed into the depression that we are now in the middle of dissolving. Yeah! I am a failure! Woo hoo! (Take that as it is meant to be taken, Sarcasm) Well, from there it just gets worse. Boss #2 decides that it is time to set me off and be a complete ass. So, as you can imagine after the last 12 hours, I wasn't having any of it. I am not going to go into detail with this one, simply because I no longer have the energy...
Moving on... Still haven't heard from Jefferson in a while.. maybe he got wind that I was a failure?? Oh well.. there is another interest anyways. He is a really sweet guy, and who knows what's going to happen with it. Just keeping my mind on the tasks at hand and living life to the best of my... Oh, wait... that's too corny and a lie.. LOL. I am waking up and going with the day as it is.. no, not that one either. Here, let's try this one.. I am alive. Yeah, that about sums it up. LOL

On a side note.. I would like to give Pegs a gold star for the day. She is the 'bestest' friend a girl could have! She knew how bad of a time I have been having lately so she took me out for lunch and let me vent on her for a while! I love her to death! Thanks Pegs!!
Ok.. I am done now, well at least on here anyway.. hopefully all of you are having a better day than me! Stayed tuned.. I am sure I will have more to complain about at another time.. LMAO

Cussing?!? Could it start so soon?

2006-06-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Well hey y'all.. and welcome back to the Life of Marci! lol
Nothing to exciting has happened, but I will give you an update for the last few days.
As always, I will start with Steve, the idiotic lam brain that I am still married to, well for now anyway. After weeks of telling me that he thought it was a good 'idea' for him to come into town on our 'Anniversary', he is now not coming. Funny. huh? I mean he made it such a big deal that he was coming and that it was for me and Jerrod. You know what I say??? Yep, just another lie in line with all the rest. What's so funny is that he keeps throwing these things out expecting a reaction out of me and he hasn't gotten one. I'm over it, what else can I say to make you understand? Ok.. moving on..

Jerrod, my lovely smart ass that he is, has said his first cuss word. Now, don't take this as me being proud, because I'm not, but it was still kind of cute. Here's the story... He was playing with something, dropped it, and said 'Chit'.. now that might not sound cute or anything to you, but it was the way he said it. Following the old addage, I didn't get on to him, or laugh at it, just to make sure I don't encourage it, but dayum.. it was funny!

As for other news, there really isn't any. I haven't seen the new neighbor, Jefferson, in a while, so nothing to report there. But, I do know that Peg is having lots of fun with Billy Bad Ass.. lmao! Although, I have to give it to him... I talked to Pegs today and she told me she has lost 7 pounds in a week!! YEAH!! I am so proud of her! I told her all she needed was a good, swift kick to the ass to get going. Of course, I have no room to talk.. I have my own 'baggage', I'm carrying around with me.. But I can report that since Steve and I split I have lost 13 pounds of it. So, YEAH ME! lol
Well that's all for now guys.. I will return with more later!

I'm a survivor!

2006-06-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone.. I'm back, and amazingly enough, I survived the weekend at the parents. Wasn't fun, but I made it through. Now I remember why I get along better with my parents when I don't live with them.. lol.
So, and update on Steve.... I finally heard from him on Sunday. Just long enough to piss me off and remember why we are going through what we are going through. I mean, how hard is it to care about someone other than yourself? I know that might sound stupid, but really.. it's not that hard. But apparently it is for him. I mean how can you have a child and not see or talk to him in 6 months? I just couldn't... and most people I know couldn't. But that's another time.. I would be here forever if I got into that.. lol
So on to Jerrod... He went for his doc appointment, and found out that's it's not a 'smart' thing with him.. it's a needs to be medically fixed kind of thing. So that was really good news.
Other than that.. just about nothing new... feeling down and out right now, so bare with me.
Well.. y'all stay tuned.. I'll be back again, I'm sure. :)

Just a little update

2006-06-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it is now Saturday, and I haven't heard from Steve since Thurday.. does he finally get it? Hmm.. I wonder...
On another note... As some of you know, I revently moved into a newer, bigger place for me and Jerrod. Well, as a part of this move, I got to chose the paint color, new carpet, new tile, and a new fridge. Sounds great right?? Well, it is/was. The only, and biggest, downfall of all of this is that, my parents are laying the tile. It's a good thing because it saves the landlord money, in which saves me money. The bad thing is that I have to stay with the parents all weekend. I have been here since Friday afternoon, and already I am about ready to pull my hair out. The parents think I am too hard on my son, the son gets into EVERYTHING, and apparently, I smoke too much. Which is funny seeing as how I only smoke once or twice while I am here. Hmmmm..... Not only am I not at MY home, on MY bed, but I am stuck on an air mattress!! Oh and, thanks to lovely Paradise, it looks like I won't be able to go home until Monday after work due to the downpour that occured this afternoon. Why me?? Someone rescue me from parental hell. LOL
Ok.. that's all for now.. stay tuned for more!

Proud for Pegs!

2006-06-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to give a congratulartory shout out to my neighbor and friend!! She just got a promotion at work, and I am very happy and proud for her! So you guys go check her out.. she's the Leggy Peggy link on the side.. yeah over there.. well don't just look at it, click on it.. duh.
So for news on me.. well nothing new and exciting, that's for sure. I am finding all new places to look for papers and help on this divorce though. I never thought that Steve and I would split, but.. well.. we did, and to be honest.. I am not that tore up over it. Yeah, I am upset that I have failed at one more thing in my life, but I gave everything I had to Steve, and got tired of fighting for it by myself.. moving on to a different subject now..
As far as Jerrod, a little update. He has had chronic problems since Janurary. Not sure why, other than age they tell me, but now we are going in for evaluations for this and evaluations for that.. The only thing I can say is that, it dayum sure hasn't hurt his ability to drive me insane.. lol.
Oh.. good news though.. there has been a new single guy that has moved into the neighborhood. His name is Jefferson, and dayum is he ever your typical, well not that typical, tall (and dayum is he tall), dark and handsome. We've chatted a few times, so I will keep you all posted on how it goes.
Well, that's enough for now.. I'll be back tomorrow with more from the life of Marci.. lol

New to the Neighborhood

2006-06-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hello Neighbors..
Just though I would pop in and see how this blogging thing is.
So, I guess I should start with the basics like my neighbor did.
I am Marci, Peggy's neighbor. I am currently seperated from the mass of flesh that calls its self Steve. But that's a different story for a different time. We do have a two year old together, Jerrod, that now lives with me only and is on his way to being the biggest smart ass in creation.
As you have probably noticed me and Peggy have a lot in common. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be the smart ass I am today. Well.. ok I would.. .but it wouldn't be nearly as funny.
That's all for now.. stay tuned for a preview of next weeks show.
Y'all have a good night, ya hear.. lmao

Diary of a Perfectly Unperfect Mom

Information of the old and new

Strength in Numbers

Updates.... and of course more promises.. lol

So here I am...

Something to Tide You Over

Hey!

She lives, not to be confuse with 'She Bangs'

What Goes Around...

It's that time

It's Meme time

Men vs..... Me

Ha ha ha, I'm so funny.... At times.

Here me is!

A day in the life...

I didn't mean for you to get hurt...

Time for a Change

I'll be Bachk... Yes, I know I am a dork :)

Valentine's, Breakups, and Drownings...

Finally... **Updated**

As if I wasn't already obsessed enough...

5 Random Facts

The things we do for family....

What did you think I was putting you out for?

Addict Vs. Goddess

Stupidity, packing, and ... oh yeah, vomit.....

Thank you Pegs.....

shhhhh........

Coversations within Myself

*Warning* Rant Ahead

Bah Hum Bug

Why is it?

~*G.B.N.*~

Is it odd?

A to Z Meme

Sarcasim, Toilets, and Cell Phones...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Everyone out of the water!!

I've been Tagged

Which one am I? Are you?

To Vote or Not to Vote.... hmmm...

Don't stop.. yeah.. right there!

SurFUCKINGprise!

Stolen Idea

Stupid, STUPID, boys.. or is it me?

Sex for the Slow: Your Friend and Mine, the Clitoris

Dating for Dummies: How to help you find and keep a REAL MAN

Dating for Dummies: Let's Talk About Sex

My Best Neighbor Friends

A Little Explanation

Birthday Thoughts

Pains and Scars

And the stallking continues...

Why is everybody always picking on me?

I'm here.. quit you're bitching. :)

Fishing... is it really worth it?

Second chance for the second time?

4,000 and 1 miles

Cussing?!? Could it start so soon?

I'm a survivor!

Just a little update

Proud for Pegs!

New to the Neighborhood

Finally... Updated

Warning Rant Ahead

~G.B.N.~